Chapter 1
Erik looked out his office window at the beautiful view of the NY skyline, but the wonder of the skyscrapers backlit by the flare of the setting sun was lost on him.
He wasn’t even pretending to work anymore, not that it mattered, everyone else had left hours ago eager to get home and enjoy the warm spring weather. He had no such compunction.
For the first few weeks he’d felt blessedly numb, much to the concern of his family and friends, but he’d liked it.
He missed it.
Somewhere inside he’d known that hollow ache couldn’t last, that pain, anger and heartache would fill it all too soon.
Sometimes he hated being right.
Magda’s last words to him played on repeat in his mind.
~~
She’d been preternaturally calm when he arrived home late one evening after finishing up the specs on a new clean engine design.
He remembered being happy to see the lights on when he parked outside their brownstone. It wasn’t too late; maybe they could still have dinner together, talk, and perhaps even scrape together some semblance of a sex life.
Instead he got, “I’m going away, Erik.”
He hadn’t understood at first, “What? When? Do we have something planned?”
Her sad smile struck him somewhere in the vicinity of his heart.
“No, not us. Just me. I need time, space to sort myself out.”
“You’re leaving me.” He stated flatly.
“No, I never said that! I…I just don’t know.”
He had so many questions. When did you decide this? Where are you going? Why now?
Instead he asked, “How long will you be gone?”
“I don’t know that, either, I’m sorry Erik it’s not fair to you, I know it’s been hard on you as well.”
Yes as if their years long struggle with fertility could simply be summed up as “hard.”
He breathed a sigh, suddenly so tired of all this, the back and forth, the tension and resentment the perfunctory sex in the proscribed positions at certain times on certain dates.
For a second he was almost bitterly pleased to see her go. He was sick of it. Sick of them.
Then came the guilt for thinking that at all, the fear that the life they’d built was crumbling, was damaged beyond repair.
“Are you sure we can’t just work on this together?” he asked, as close to begging her to stay as he could get.
She’d smiled her sad smile once more and shook her head silently.
She was going to stay with her sister in Rhode Island, she didn’t know for how long, she needed time, she needed space. She was willing to communicate through email, calls and texts only in emergencies. Please Erik, try to understand.
He had tried, he’d been trying for years and it still wasn’t enough. He was never enough.
So he watched her go, the lights had been on because she was packing, not because she harbored the same hopes of rekindling their romance.
In spite of her words of reassurance he felt a deep finality when the latch clicked shut gently behind her.
That had been nearly six weeks before. The numbness was finally wearing off with a certain sense of despair taking its place.
The only good that had come of their time apart was that his family and their friends had stopped insisting that she was coming back.
Instead he got pitying looks and whispered conversations behind his back.
Magda’s family had noticeably distanced themselves from him, making him wonder what she’d been saying to them about Erik.
About her reasons for leaving.
The thing was, even if she came back today, determined and eager to make it work, he wasn’t sure he even had it in him to try again.
Their brief weekly email check-ins gave no insight into her thoughts or plans for the future. She seemed happy which was all he’d ever wanted for her anyway.
When she’d first left, he’d sent her several messages a week, trying to draw her out, get some feel for her mental state, let her know that he missed her and wanted her home.
She’d steadfastly replied once a week with a few lines about her activities and form questions about his life. In her second missive she’d asked him to back off the near daily messages so now he wrote once a week as well.
She’d thanked him for it.
The sun was completely set by the time he came back into himself, the rest of the office was nearly silent and he glanced at the clock to see he’d lost over an hour to his silent musings.
Slowly gathering his things he decided to head out for a happy hour instead of returning to their empty house to prepare a meal for one. He could always cab it home if he overdid it.
It was Friday night after all; he may as well enjoy an evening out.
He chose a bar within walking distance of the office complex, but not so near that it’d be the first choice for his co workers, he had no desire to spend any more time with them than he was already forced to on a weekly basis.
The place, Pabo’s, was trendy without being overbearing with a live jazz quartet playing on the small stage, low lighting, and tempting smells spilling from the small galley kitchen behind the large oak bar.
He took a seat at one of the high top tables and perused the menu, suddenly hungry in a way he hadn’t been in a long while.
“The buffalo chicken egg rolls are fabulous,” said a posh British voice carrying a hint of a smile.
Erik looked up with a half smile of his own, expecting to see a waiter, instead he was taken aback by what appeared to be another customer leaning against his table with a cheerful grin.
The man was clearly a carrier and had longish brown hair and delicate features with full red lips that caught Erik’s eye at first glance. He had bright blue eyes and was dressed comfortably in jeans, a button up and a cardigan. In spite of his youthful appearance he carried himself with a certain gravitas that caused Erik to mentally increase his assumed age by a couple of years.
“I’m sorry for startling you, but you seemed undecided,” the handsome man continued in spite of Erik’s stunned silence.
“I’m Charles by the way, Charles Xavier,” he arched quirked an eyebrow and extended his left hand.
“Erik Lehnsherr,” he managed to stutter out, belatedly offering the Brit a firm handshake and inviting him to sit down.
“Why thank you Erik, I’m absolutely starving and my cooking leaves everything but food poisoning to be desired,” he gave a self deprecating laugh as he watched Erik from beneath his long lashes before segueing into a light conversation that Erik found himself quite enjoying much to his own surprise.
Suddenly it hit him like a sledge hammer, this guy was flirting with him and, well, he was flattered, very and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t interested but, “I’m married,” he blurted out, gesturing with his left hand to emphasize only to receive an unimpressed look for his trouble.
“Look, if you’re not interested you just have to say so,” Charles informed him calmly.
Crap.
“No, I really am married I just, it’s complicated.”
Charles made a sympathetic sound, “complicated enough that you took off your ring then forgot that you did?”
“Yes, exactly!” Erik crowed, absurdly pleased that the other man believed him, and then he realized how crazy that sounded and sank back into his seat with a blush.
Fortunately Charles found this amusing as well and merely chuckled into his drink, “Sounds like quite a story, I’m all ears if you need to talk.”
Erik instinctively went to change the subject, but found himself hesitating to move on. There was something comforting in the anonymity Charles offered.
As much as the younger man seemed interested now, it was unlikely they’d meet again after this night, especially if he unloaded his baggage onto this unsuspecting stranger.
He and Magda still shared the same group of friends they’d gone to college with, and they’d been married for more than ten years. There were no impartial bystanders in his life he could confide in.
He’d never really told anyone how angry he was with her for giving up on them. Every time he broached the subject, he was told to think of it from her perspective, that she was hurting.
As if he didn’t understand that first hand.
“I don’t want to bore you,” he hedged, giving Charles a change to tactfully back out.
“I doubt you could ever do that, Erik,” Charles said silkily, sending a shiver up Erik’s spine.
“Well, then, let’s try those egg rolls and maybe some Paella? It’s kind of a long story.”
Charles gave him a gentle smile, “I’m all ears.”
He was a truly great listener and only interrupted for clarification on a few impersonal matters. More than that he was sympathetic to Erik’s sense of isolation and offered the comfort the older man had unknowingly been seeking.
~~
It was, as they say, the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Erik hadn’t had friends of his own in years, if ever, really. He’d always been an introvert, a loner, Magda had hated that, but Charles seemed to think it was cute.
Erik had been shocked when Charles asked to meet up with him again late that first night as they stumbled out of the bar light headed and pleased with themselves. He’d agreed more out of surprise than anything else.
He’d honestly thought that was the end of it. He was the pathetic guy at the bar Charles had taken pity on and spent an evening with, out of sight out of mind.
Imagine his surprise when Charles texted him early the next week to go to an outdoor festival the following weekend.
He’d agreed less out of surprise and more because he actually wanted to. He was sick of spending his weekends taking his work home and binge watching Netflix alone.
~I’ll meet you there~
~~
He’d spotted Charles by the fountain, right where he said he’d be, talking to a pretty blonde girl wearing some sort of leotard.
He’d hesitated to approach when Charles looked up a caught sight of him; he straightened up and waved him over, “Erik!”
“Hello again, Erik, glad you could make it,” he leaned up and brushed a kiss onto his cheek with a small smile.
“Hello Charles,” Erik retuned the favor, feeling bold and carefree for the first time in ages. He took pride in the light blush that spread across the smaller man’s face.
“This is Raven, the sister I told you about,” Charles gestured to the blonde who was watching them with avid curiosity.
“Nice to meet you Erik, Charles couldn’t stop talking about you and it hasn’t even been a week!”
She laughed outright while Charles blushed and hid his face against Erik’s arm; he smiled and pulled the smaller man into a half embrace.
“Well, I couldn’t stop thinking about him so surely we’re even,” Charles peeked up at him at that, face still flushed bright red. “I was more than pleased to get an invite to the festival.”
Raven pulled a dramatic face at that, “I’m sure, but Charles says crowds aren’t your thing so you guys will probably leave after my performance.”
Erik raised his eyebrows at that. He’d been biting the bullet on spending a sticky summer day rubbing elbows with New Yorkers and tourists alike in order to get to know Charles better, but apparently his preferences had been taken into account as well.
“Ah, yes, sorry about that.”
Raven had laughed his apology off, “we can’t all be extroverts, all right boys wish me luck; I’ve got to get warmed up.”
“Good luck!” They chorused then laughed as she rolled her eyes at them and strolled away.
“You’re lucky I’m too nice to jinx you,” Erik teased.
Charles mock gasped at him, “I haven’t been jinxed since grade school!”
“Well, get used to it, I told you I like silence and I’m willing to play dirty to get it,” fortunately for Erik Charles got his wry sense of humor and found this hilarious rather than insulting.
“We should probably go, I need to be close to the front or I won’t be able to see all of the show,” Charles gestured to his small frame, in his sneakers the top of his head only came to Erik’s shoulder.
“Alright, I’ll get us to the front, hold on” he grasped Charles’ hand and moved through the crowd confidently, his height and fierce expression clearing a path in a matter of moments, “here we are, short stuff, close enough for you?”
“It’s perfect Erik, thanks! It’d have taken me forever to get here on my own,” Charles smiled, genuinely grateful.
He stepped into Erik’s space and looped an arm around his waist, “I have to admit, I invited you here with ulterior motives.”
Erik looked down at him, intrigued, “so you didn’t just need a tall person to get you through the sea of humanity?”
Charles laughed again, “No, I just hate hanging out with Raven’s friends after their performances. It’s all kale and hemp smoothies and trying to set me up with some “great artsy guy” I end up hating.”
“Ah, so I’m simply a better alternative to a kale smoothie and a horrible date?” Erik asked, only half teasing.
“Well, I mean, I had a nice time the other night, I thought a proper date might be in order a sort of kill two birds with one stone,” Charles quickly clarified.
“And here I thought I’d scared you away with my horrible rambling.”
Charles looked surprised to hear that, “no way, Erik you’re so open, so honest with where you are emotionally, it’s refreshing. Besides you did say you could wipe the floor with me in chess, and I can’t let a challenge like that go unanswered.” He smiled coyly.
“So is this a chess date?”
“I was hoping it would be, yes. There are some tables set up in the shade over the hill, should be relatively deserted with all this going on over here,” Charles looked excited to see Erik’s skills on the board.
“I’d love to, Charles and don’t think I’ll go easy on you just because you’re cute.”
“So you think I’m cute?” Charles smirked, clearly pleased with himself.
Erik’s response was interrupted by the sound of a drum roll signaling the start of the show, instead of a verbal reply he simply kissed him on the tip of his nose and turned him in his arms to lean against his chest as they watched the admittedly impressive acrobatic display of Raven’s dance troupe.
Erik had actually enjoyed the show and even meeting the dancers after, though they were a bit pretentious as Charles had warned.
He’d managed to bite his tongue to keep from laughing as Charles made their excuses, just as the troupe was preparing to go browse the vegan food stands set up nearby.
They made their escape, which Erik celebrated by buying them Italian ices while Charles set up a game.
By the end of the day, he’d beaten Charles twice and lost once, much too both their delight, they were able to provide a true challenge for one another.
Overall Erik had a great day and agreed to meet Charles again for dinner the coming Wednesday.
Neither of them called it a date, and even in his mind Erik refused to call Charles anything other than a friend, he didn’t want to jinx himself.
~~
In his head he knew it was unfair to compare Charles and Magda, but he couldn’t help the giddiness he felt around Charles. Erik had never felt this way about anyone before, and he relished the live wire of emotion coiled in his chest.
He found himself smiling for no reason, eager to see the young man, even as he cared less and less for Magda’s absence in his life. In fact it was something of a relief.
They still exchanged weekly emails, but he hadn’t mentioned Charles, nor had he asked if she was seeing anyone in Rhode Island, he honestly didn’t want to know.
He also didn’t know if he was “seeing” Charles, it felt to immature to ask, so he simply allowed himself to feel pleasantly surprised when the younger man properly kissed him one night as he was preparing to leave the professors apartment after a few rousing matches of chess.
He’d kissed him back, and he wasn’t even sorry.
~~
He’d been amazed to learn early on, that the young man was a professor, not a student. Though that did explain his ability to carry on an intelligent conversation and present his ideas rationally and back them with well thought out arguments.
Erik didn’t think too many 24 year olds could pull that off, he’d certainly been even more of a hot head in his twenties, though fortunately his temper had cooled some with age.
He’d also expected Charles’ interest to wane as time went on and he found out how old and boring Erik actually was.
“You’re 34 Erik, not exactly a grandfather,” Charles had rolled his eyes and put him check with a flick of his clever fingers.
“I feel older than I am.”
“Well, we’re in the same boat there, besides who else will play chess with me?” He’d given Erik a sly smile at that.
No matter what Charles said or his subtle flirting, Erik still felt odd about the age difference, and his limbo marriage with Magda.
Besides, Charles was young and healthy, a carrier no less. What if he wanted children someday the way Magda had?
The way Erik still did but couldn’t provide?
He couldn’t go through the heartbreak again; he was too scared to even risk it.
After the first year of trying to no avail, they’d both been tested and come out fine, but deep inside Erik suspected the trouble was with him.
He didn’t know why he felt that way and he knew Charles would argue for evidence over feelings but he blamed himself for being unable to impregnate his wife.
He couldn’t imagine seeing the monthly disappointment in Charles’ big blue eyes, killing that spark of life the way slowly had with Magda.
Once she’d suggested a sperm donor “just to see if it would work,” and he’d refused, unable to contemplate raising the child of his wife and another man.
In turn, she’d balked at adoption, wanting to experience pregnancy first hand, so they’d reached an impasse and agreed to stop trying.
She’d left one month later.
~~
By the time Magda had been gone for just over seven months, he’d upgraded to spending a few nights a week at Charles’ apartment.
Charles had met him at the house a few times, but had never expressed a desire to go inside, and Erik hadn’t invited him in.
The house reminded him of his biggest failure, and though he never said anything, Charles seemed to view Magda as a phantom sword hovering above their relationship, simply waiting for the right moment to drop and sever the ties they’d been steadily forming with one another.
He hated that, seeing the uncertainly and self doubt his broken relationship with his wife brought out in the confident young man he’d come to know.
So he emailed Magda that he wanted to call her, they’d set up a time for Tuesday that week.
“Hi Mags, how are you?”
“I’m fine Erik, better than fine actually I’m doing really well.”
“Good, you sound it.”
“Thanks, so do you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really, you sound happy.”
“Well, I am. I’m not sure if you’ve heard but I’m seeing someone.”
She was silent for a moment, “Ah, actually yes, Emma said she and Seb saw you out with some young guy, that it seemed pretty chummy, I had wondered…”
“Well, yes. I am... I just wanted you to know.”
“Why?” She seemed perplexed.
“Well, you’re still my wife, technically.”
She heaved a quiet sigh, “What am I supposed to do with this Erik? You couldn’t wait?”
“For how long was I supposed to wait, this is the first time we’ve spoken in months! For all I know you’re seeing someone as well.”
“I’m not Erik; I told you I needed space!”
“Well it turned out so did I!”
“What does that mean? You’re saying it’s over, I can’t come back?” she demanded, sounding deeply hurt.
“Magda, you can always come back, this is your home as much as mine, it’s just in regards to us. There’s nothing to come back to,” he placated sadly.
“Are you serious, Erik, after all this time, after everything we’ve been through!?” She cried.
“That’s not fair, I waited, Magda, for months I’ve tried to get a response out of you and nothing! And for months before that we were already living separate lives!”
“This is about him, that guy isn’t it?” her voice broke midway through the sentence, she was clearly crying.
Erik hesitated, “In a way, he just helped me see what I want out of life, even if he and I don’t work out, you and I are over. I just can’t do this anymore Mags. I’m sorry, I love you and I always will, but that’s not enough anymore.”
She sighed shakily, “I…I have to go Erik, I’ll…we’ll talk later.”
“Goodbye Magda.”
~~
~Please come over after work~
~Everything alright?~
~Yes, can you make it?~
~Yes, I’ll text when I’m on my way.~
It was unusual for Charles to send plain text messages without emoticons and an excess of hearts, particularly when planning a date.
But this didn’t sound like a date, it sounded like trouble no matter what the other man said. Knowing Charles only had morning classes on Thursdays, Erik cut out a bit early and texted to let Charles know he was on the way.
~See you soon~
When he arrived at Charles’ building he sprinted up the stairs, too concerned to wait for the elevator.
He knocked on the door, only to have it open almost immediately by a puffy eyed, pale faced Charles, he looked positively miserable.
“Oh sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Erik pulled him into a warm embrace, closing the door behind them.
“I’m sorry, Erik I don’t want you to hate me, or think I planned this because I DID NOT, but you know, sometimes things, these things just happen right?”
Charles pulled away and began pacing, looking like he was about to burst into tears, at a certain point in his cycle he was prone to that, so Erik tried to take it in stride.
“Settle down love, what are you trying to tell me? What things just happen?”
He tried not to assume the worst, that Charles had found someone else, had cheated on him in the heat of the moment, but he didn’t know what else to think with the way his boyfriend was going on.
“Erik, I know you think it’s you, but it’s not.”
Another point for the breakup/cheating category.
Erik lost his patience at his dithering and half formed explanations finally letting out an exasperated, “Charles, just spit it out!”
“I’m pregnant. It’s yours.”
~~
“What.”
Charles left the room for a moment and returned with a plastic bag that he dumped out on the coffee table. A pile of pregnancy tests, all positive.
“When? How?”
“It look practically all day, I thought there may be some faulty…”
“No I mean, how far along?” Erik asked faintly.
Charles looked at him, incredulous, “Don’t you remember?”
And suddenly he did.
One night, they’d gone out for dinner and got roaring drunk they’d stumbled back to Charles’, hands all over only to find they were out of condoms, Erik had slurred something about being sterile anyway to which Charles had rolled his eyes and they had rolled the dice.
And came up lucky, very lucky. Unless…he was almost afraid to ask...
He looked up from the pile of tests, “how do you feel about it?”
“How do you feel about it? Are you happy, angry, what? Talk to me!” Charles demanded, hands on hips, clearly agitated.
“I’m happy! I’m thrilled! I’m…shocked! I don’t…are you going to keep it?”
Charles looked affronted, “of course I’m going to keep it! Did you think…!?”
“I didn’t know! We never discussed, I mean, not in light of having one together!”
“Right, so, you’re not…leaving then?”
“What?! NO! Did you think I would?!”
“I didn’t know! You wanted this with Magda, you think I’m too young! I know I’m just a fling to you but this is serious to me! It was before this and it’s even more so now!
“Actually I ended it with Magda,” Erik said distantly.
“You what?! When?”
“Two days ago, my god what a week,” he sat back down heavily.
Charles cracked a half smile at that before quickly sobering, “Did you really? It’s over then?” he asked warily.
“Yes, I told her even if you and I don’t work out she and I are over, she sounded…crushed.”
Charles moved over to him and sank down sideways on his lap, “Why didn’t you say anything? That must have been hard for you.”
Erik wrapped him in his arms and pressed his face into his neck “You were busy, I didn’t know with what, but you’ve been skittish for the past few days. Guess now I know why,” he pressed his hand to Charles’ still flat belly with a wide grin.
“I was scared to tell you, I just wanted to be sure before I said anything.”
“I’m glad you waited until you were ready to say something, but darling don’t scare me like that again, I thought something was really wrong.”
“I thought you might think that when you found out.”
“No, this is the best news I’ve ever gotten, you’re my darling, you must know that by now,” he nuzzled the carrier’s cheek with his nose causing him to laugh and wiggle to get away, but Erik held him fast.
“Why don’t we order in tonight, I’ll take the day tomorrow and we can visit the doctor?”
“Really?”
“Yes, really, you know how badly I’ve wanted to be a dad.”
“With me as the mom?” Charles asked, still uncertain of his place in Erik’s affections.
“I’d be a fool to turn down an offer like that, I’ll never know what you see in a crotchety old man like me,” he teased causing Charles to relax against him once more.
He made a mental note to reassure Charles of his feelings every chance he got.
He was beyond thrilled about the baby; it was the news of a lifetime. But he’d been waiting for days to tell Charles the good news about his conversation with Magda.
He didn’t see Charles as a fling, not anymore and if he was honest with himself he hadn’t for a while.
~~
That night after a shared shower and more reassurances, Charles fell asleep in his arms, clutching him like a lifeline, their entire lives changed with a thin blue line, or dozens of them in Charles’ case. He smiled at the memory of the pile of pregnancy tests.
A story to tell the kids.
He felt a smile flicker over his face, trying to picture their child, imagining a future with Charles at his side. He’d have to introduce him to his mother; she’d be pissed to be so far out of the know, pissed that he’d been selfishly keeping Charles to himself.
He’d only introduced him to a few of his friends, and it was awkward, what with them knowing his complicated history with Magda. And look what had happened, they’d run and told her quick as you please.
Then it hit him.
Oh god, how would he tell Magda?
It had to come from him; he couldn’t let her hear it through the grapevine that would be the worst betrayal of all.
He’d been planning to talk to a lawyer, discuss selling the house or letting her keep it if she wanted it, but he couldn’t live there anymore.
But now?
God it would seem like he was leaving her for someone younger and more fertile, that’s how it would play. No matter that she’d left him first.
That she’d broken his heart a million times before he’d finally realized he couldn’t take it anymore.
Erik sighed, glad that portion of his life was over, he held his future in his arms. And it was bright.
He’d been planning to drop the L word when he told Charles about the official end of his marriage but thought it might feel forced, like he was only saying that because of the baby. He’d wait until they were on solid footing before trying again.
Charles had saved him from his own foolish heart. He’d never be able to repay him, thank him enough. He would just have to spend the rest of his life showing him how much he was loved.
For once he felt up to the challenge, with Charles, he never doubted that he was enough.