The first (and only) time Natasha ran away, it was because of her night terror. It was a year after they have been together. She went home from a mission that went horribly wrong, drowning in guilt and haunted by her past, her ledger dripping in red. She stumbled into their arms, weak and frail. Steve and James whispered soothing words as they kissed her pain away. She thought it was over. She thought she was finally safe, albeit scared.
They were sleeping on the huge bed they bought last week when Natasha's eyebrows twitched. Then her hands started to shook. Steve, who had his arms around her, was woken up by her whimpers. He slowly detangled himself from her, careful not to wake up James who was fast asleep next to him. Steve quietly called out her name, asking her to wake up, telling that it was just a dream, that it was not real. Her eyes snapped open and Steve found himself not recognizing her green eyes. Her body tensed and she was breathing heavily, eyes feral. A slight touch from Steve set her off. She leapt off the bed and scrambled to grab the knife she put inside the drawer of her nightstand.
"Natasha." Steve gently said. The redhead sharply turned to him and glowered like a cornered animal. "Natasha, it's Steve. You're safe"
James slowly rose from the bed and tried to see her face. Startled by his presence, Natasha did what she thought would safe her life. She attacked him. Her knife was inches from his neck, James's metal arm was the only thing keeping him alive. He slowly pushed away the knife, his eyes never leaving hers. Steve quickly grabbed her body, trapping her around his muscular arms.
"Natalia!" James snapped. His eyes searching for answer as Steve struggled to keep her still.
The woman suddenly froze and her body went slack in Steve's arms. He quickly loosened his grip and let her slumped to the floor.
"Nat?" Steve quickly kneeled in front of her, making some space for James to hold her trembling hands.
"Come on, doll."
She finally gasped for breath, her pupils dilated as she tried to regain her vision. Steve and James let out the breath they've been holding and smiled. The peaceful silence didn't last long. Natasha suddenly pryed herself away from them, her face pale but no longer haunting. Her bottom lip trembled as she regain her footing.
"Nat, it's okay. Let's go back to bed." James tried but he knew. He knew she noticed the forming bruises on Steve's face and his bleeding lips. He knew her eyes were fixated on the harsh pink mark on his neck.
She needed them to stop looking at her like she hung the moon and painted the sky, like she was the center of their universe. She was not those at all. She was the monster, the nightmare, the darkness, the death, anything but those
"No. Sorry. I--" . She staggered back when James tried to reach out for her and turned on her heels, running away from their safe embrace, from their forgiveness, from their warmth, from the apartment they called home.
She didn't stop running, not even when her lungs burned and when her legs felt like giving up on her. She ran until she couldn't breath anymore. She ran until she reached her destination. Where is destination anyway? Her home was back with James and Steve. The tower? No. Stark was a nosy asshole who will call them the moment FRIDAY saw her on the lobby. Clint’s questionable apartment? No. Steve probably has called him and he would’ve told them about her whereabouts.
Natasha found herself standing in front of her old safe house at the edge of the city two hours later. The rundown building still looked the same, with chipped paint on its walls and broken windows on the second floor (Clint broke it when he tried to get inside her apartment). She climbed the stairs and quickly slipped inside her apartment before anyone could notice her arrival.
She took off the sneakers she hastily put on before she left and walked towards the moldy mattress. Her eyes glazed over as she took in her surrounding. There was nothing inside the apartment aside from the small mattress she was sitting on. The wooden floor creaked under her weight when she pushed the mattress to the corner of the room. She sat on the mattress, knees to her chest and she leaned back on the wall, wondering why her chest hurts like hell.
* * *
They found her two days later. She was thrashing in her sleep again. She was startled awake when she felt a familiar weight pinning down her arms and legs and her eyes snapped open. Two pair of blue eyes stared back at her and she instinctively opened her palms, hoping to grab some weapon to defend herself. But then her mind cleared up a bit and she noticed the familiar faces and loving smiles and she let herself relaxed. James quickly scooped her into his arms, not once commenting how her body shook even in this warm room. Her glassy eyes went to Steve and she felt a lump in her throat. She was dehydrated and she didn’t think she could even speak right now, but God, she wished she could tell them how sorry she was.
“Jesus Christ, Natasha. This place looks like shit.” Steve was the first one to speak. James let out a gruff chuckle and Natasha couldn’t help but smile.
“You scared us, doll.” James told her. Apparently, she wasn’t that good at hiding her pained expression because he quickly shook his head and added, “We couldn’t find you. We were really worried.”
“Tell us what’s wrong, Nat.” Steve softly said. Steve, with his soft blue eyes and his warm smile, stared at her like she did nothing wrong and her heart twisted in pain. The bruising was almost healed but she could still see a faint purplish discoloration on his jaw and near his right eye. Courtesy of her elbow and fist.
“I hurt you.” Her voice raspy and broken. I hurt the people I love. I hurt Steve and James. How do you tell someone you’re afraid of yourself?
Then she felt James’ arms snaked around her waist, pulling her closer and Natasha broke down once again. They always knew about her and she felt so…undeserving. How? How could they love her?
“I’m so sorry.” She was not usually this weak. The thought alone made her laugh. Look how deep she was in, crying over how much they love her.
Steve put on his serious face and stared at her, waiting for her to calm down. When she did, he started to tell her about his nightmares and James’ and how she stayed. He told her it will never be easy and it’s okay because they love each other and they have each other. He told her how strong she was and James kissed her when she shook her head.
Steve kissed when he finished his little speech. It was wet and it tasted like the ocean. He didn’t stop crying even when they broke off the kiss. He laughed and he told them how much he loves them and Natasha felt lighter than ever. She felt their lips on her cheeks and she closer her eyes, her lips curled into a tiny smile. Natasha finally remember how to breathe again.