All I Want Is Nothing More To Hear You Knocking At My Door
It's been one hundred and eighty days. If we're being exact here it's been one hundred eighty days, ten hours and fifteen minutes. Dr. Garner tells her it's unhealthy to count like that, but what else is she supposed to do with her time? One. Hundred. And. Eighty. Days. Since she lost Ward. Life is cruel. Dr. Garner would say she is making progress, doing a lot better than she was when he saw her six months ago and she wouldn't even get out of bed to shower. Daisy supposes he's right. She can get up in the morning, eat, train, sleep. Is that living? Is walking through life like a zombie really living?
Apparently it is because the good doctor cleared her for field missions and so did Coulson. Not that Daisy minds, shooting bad guys takes her mind off of things, for a while anyway. Hunter says she's basically a robot now, Simmons would say she's just sad. ''Morning D. Coffee?'' It's noon. Daisy can't remember the last time she woke up before noon, did she used to be a morning person? She takes the coffee cup Mack hands her and sits beside him. ''Rough night?'' Rough life.
''You could say that''. Nightmares. Daisy has constant nightmares about Ward, different scenarios of his death on that other planet over and over again. ''I have an idea, why don't we go up to the mountains, that always makes you feel better''. ''Okay''. Over the past few weeks Mack has figured out that if Daisy can unleash her powers, channel all the emotions she's got bottled up, she's lighter. Less baggage all over her. Coulson lets them take the quinn jet whenever and wherever they want, both Mack and Daisy think it's guilt, guilt for leaving Ward.
When Mack isn't looking Daisy fishes out her flask that she swore to Ward she'd never use again, and dumps the contents into her mug. It's started again, the drinking. How else do they expect her to live in a world without Ward? She's not doing it sober that's for sure. She's finished with her drink by the time Mack speaks up. ''Ready when you are partner''. ''Let's roll''. Daisy is quiet as the quinn jet takes off, she's always quiet these days. Doesn't speak unless spoken to, doesn't react to much, like nothing can surprise her anymore.
And the things is, Mack gets it. He understands. Daisy has lost the love of her life not once, but twice. He doesn't expect her to just shake that off and keep going like it didn't happen. He's so scared for her most days, he doesn't like to leave her alone unless absolutely necessary. ''She's not a child Mack, she can take care of herself''. Coulson had told him just last week, but she's broken hearted, and people do crazy things when grief weighs them down like heavy weights.
Kebo left last month at Daisy's request, she told him he needed to get on with his life and not worry about her. It's not much of a life without Ward, he'd said. And she agrees. Sometimes Daisy just thinks she's waiting for the end to come, and when it does she won't fight it. She will welcome it with open arms and a smile on her face, praying that Ward will be waiting for her. Daisy has always been a fighter, never gave up on anyone or anything. Those days are gone now. She's lost everything worth fighting for.
The quinn jet lands smoothly, Daisy can feel her powers sparking beneath her finger tips. This is when she feels. This is where her emotions come to life, where she can let go of all that grief and sorrow she carries around. She steps out into the grass, the mountains at her beck and call. Daisy can feel them, their vibrations slipping and grasping at her hands, calling out to her like a siren song. Mack leans against the quinn jet and watches her, sometimes waiting for that girl he met so long ago to come back. Even it's for a fraction of a second. She never does.
Daisy closes her eyes, lets the sun warm her skin. When she raises her palms the mountains bend to her will, bowing down to her every want and need, they crumble and slip beneath her fingers. She does this until that empty feeling in her chest is no longer throbbing. Keeping her eyes closed she sees Ward's proud smile, like he's really there observing the destruction she's created. I love you. And just like that, he's gone again. ''Tremors, Coulson needs us back. There's a meeting''. There's an apology in her partner's voice. Daisy gives a soft sigh and boards the plane. Back to reality.
Lincoln is waiting for her when she and Mack enter Coulson's office. He smiles at her, she gives some sort of facial expression back that's supposed to resemble a smile. Coulson, May, Bobbi and Hunter are spread out across the room, all looking to Coulson. He tells them to take a seat and Daisy takes the chair by Lincoln. He glances at her from the corner of his eye, threads his fingers with hers.
She started sleeping with Lincoln. Just to try and feel something again. It didn't work. She's still hollow and cold and she doesn't even register the pit on her chest anymore. The sex isn't great. Lincoln does his part, Daisy is the problem. They both know it. It started with a bottle of tequila and her being too drunk to not kiss him back. Now six months later he's drumming his fingers on her thigh and she still feels absolutely nothing at all. They both ignore the fact that she's still in love with a dead man, that when she thinks he's sleeping she cries in his sheets. Lincoln deserves better than this, but he'll never leave her. He told her last month that he loved her and she threw up in the shower, called Kebo and cried for two hours.
Honestly Daisy is just trying to get through every minute of every day, which is saying something because six months ago she couldn't even stand to blink, to breathe. She'll never heal, the alcohol that has taken residence back in her bed is proof of that. It still hurts to move sometimes, and Daisy can't go one second without thinking of Ward. She swallows the lump in her throat, takes a sip from her mug that everyone knows isn't filled with coffee. She thought the first time losing him was hell, nothing compares to this. She had him in the palms of her hands, and he was ripped away from her. Again. This is purgatory. She'll die here. It's only a matter of time. At least he'll be waiting on the other side.
"Daisy?" She tears herself away from the color of Ward's eyes and focuses on Coulson, fails and slowly slips into the corners of her mind. That's where Ward is. And they are happy there, tucked away safe from the world. Daisy likes to day dream nowadays, doing it more frequently because last week she woke in a panic, she couldn't remember the way Ward's hands looked. "Tremors". Mack places a hand on hers and it brings her back to the present. Right. She's in a meeting with fellow Shield agents and Coulson is looking at her with sorrow in his eyes. He wears that look every single time he speaks to her. "Do you need a minute?" At one point in time she'd of been annoyed that Coulson thought her weak and needed to compose herself, now she can't find that fire she used to have. Doesn't have the energy to dig and search for it.
"I'm good. Keep going". Coulson then goes to talk about the ever present Hydra threat and Daisy acts like that doesn't bother her and takes a sip out of her mug. After what seems like hours she's finally able to leave, once she's in a dark hallway by herself she leans against the wall, sighs loudly. "How did you stand that meeting? I forgot how much Coulson likes to hear himself talk". Daisy cracks a smile and glances sideways at the man standing next to her. Broad shoulders, scruff on his face, and god she never got tired of looking at those cheekbones. Did she mention she's been seeing Ward for the last few months? Well she has. He pops up from time to time, here and there. Especially if she's having a really bad day. Dr. Garner says its normal, of course that was three months ago and Daisy hasn't mentioned it to him since.
She might be going crazy, it's obviously not normal to see your dead boyfriend every now and then. It scared the shit out of her when he appeared three weeks after Coulson told her he died. She was laying in bed, has just gotten out of the shower. When he walked out of the bathroom like he'd been there the whole time. Ever since then he lingers. She can smell him, see him clear as day, every little detail on his face like he's really there. Daisy knows he's not, that his body is somewhere far away, rotting and sinking into foreign ground and strange dirt. Mirage Ward smiles at her, brushes her cheek. She thinks she can feel it, maybe her mind just really wants her to. "Yeah well that's all Coulson does these days, he never shuts up".
This is how she's been able to survive, seeing Ward even though he's gone, she can feel his lips on her when she's half asleep. "You look tired". This warms her to an extent, Ward has always worried about her, even from the grave. ''Sleep doesn't come easy anymore''. He's frowning at her now. ''I'm sorry''. She shakes her head, ''not your fault babe''. And it's so easy, so natural to slip back into when he was living. It should bother her. It should really bother her that Grant is right in front of her when she knows for a fact he's dead. But it doesn't. Because every time he shows up it's like a piece of her is returned.
''There you are''. Daisy looks away from Grant to find Lincoln walking down the hall to her. When she turns back, Ward is gone. She always braces herself when this happens, because one day she's afraid he will never come back. That her mind will get itself out of the gutter and realize that life is moving on without her and she needs to get on with the land of the living. ''Hey''. Lincoln kisses her swiftly, runs his thumb across her cheek. ''God that meeting was terrible''. ''Yeah it was''. Lincoln joined Shield not too long ago, claiming yet again he was only here for her. She's still not sure how she feels about that.
Nothing about her is fair to Lincoln. She knows this. Daisy knows she should be honest with him, that all she wants is Ward. That he needs to find someone who can give him their whole heart, their body and soul, not just a shell of someone they used to be. But she's selfish. He offers and she takes and takes and takes. Because being in pain, or feeling guilty is better than feeling nothing at all. That's how she's justifying this, there's not enough alcohol in the world to make her feel better. Lincoln takes her hand and she lets him lead her away to his bunk. She turns back to the dark hallway, it's empty.
''All I'm saying is if we don't act now Hydra is going to kill us all''. Joey and Lincoln are sitting at the kitchen table, a box of pizza and a few beers between them. Daisy doesn't weigh in on the conversation as she's sitting next to Lincoln and downing beers like it's water. Her and Hydra are not friends anymore, even if Kebo went back to the organization. Gideon Malik is the new Director now, Daisy plans on killing him sometime in the near future. He's the one who convinced Ward to go through that damn portal.
''Boss you coming on the mission tomorrow or what?'' She picks at the pizza before responding to Joey. Coulson has just received word that there's an Inhuman in Chicago, and just like old times she's responsible for them. Suddenly Ward is there next to her, she can feel the warmth of his skin through her clothes. ''Sure am. Can't let Hydra beat us''. Ward rolls his eyes at this. ''You trying to sound enthusiastic is painful. How can they believe you?'' Lincoln brushes his fingers against hers on the table. Ward grimaces.
''I really want to kick his ass''. Daisy moves her foot to kick him in the shin before realizing her mistake. Maybe part of her has really started to think Ward really is there. Grant looks at her with sad eyes, noticing her facial expression and knowing the movement in her foot was meant for him. ''Boss, you good?'' There has to be something on her face, which she is quick to wipe away. ''Yeah. I'll be right back''. She walks quickly to the nearest bathroom and locks the door. Turns on the lights and takes deep slow breaths.
Ward is dead. He's not real. Whatever you're seeing is a figment of your imagination. She knows this she knows this she knows this. When she glances up at the mirror, the man himself is standing behind her. The glass cracks as she starts crying. Every day ends the same way. She craves seeing Ward, it's the only reason she gets up anymore. But when evening comes and Daisy knows that this is all in her head, is when it takes a toll on her. This is hurting her more than it is helping. And Ward, not being able to bear seeing his girl in pain, always tries to comfort her.
''Skye''. She wishes she could feel his hand on her shoulder, his breath against her ear like it's supposed to be. ''You're not real''. Same conversation every time the sun sets. ''I know''. ''You're dead''. ''I am''. ''Then why are you here?'' ''You need me''. She faces away from the mirror to look in his eyes. ''Why did you leave me?'' There's a clawing in her chest, her ribs are aching as sadness envelopes his features. ''I didn't want to. You know that''. ''I miss you''. Sad smiles are the worst. ''I'm right here''. She shakes her head. ''You'll be gone when I close my eyes''. He goes to touch her cheek. She prays to god she'll be able to feel it. Nothing.
''I always come back''. And when she wipes her eyes, gets a piece of toliet paper to clean her face, he's gone again. It's bittersweet, half of her wants to keep seeing Ward. But the other half can't stand it, because he can't stay with her. He always leaves. And it's like losing him all over again. Is this how the rest of her life is going to go? Daisy doesn't know how long she can keep living like this. It's heaven right smack in the middle of hell.