Imagine your life falling apart piece by piece, imagine everyone in the world suddenly being able to see all your secrets, all your lies, everything that you did wrong. Imagine if it were all out in the open. How would that make you feel?
It made her feel numb. Numb to all the pain, the deception, the names people called her. It didn't bother her anymore, she had learned to shut it out, she had to. If she didn't, she would have lost her mind.
Her world fell apart the day SHIELD did. She made a choice that day, save millions of people, or keep her past a secret. She chose the former, protect the people, try wipe out some of the red staining her ledger.
It didn't make her feel better. It consumed her slowly, eating away at her conscience. She knew the things she did was in the past, but it is impossible to completely erase what has happened. There is always a ghost of the things done long ago, following you, haunting you, accusing you.
She knew she had to be strong, shut it out, numb the pain. She was afraid that if she let her feelings in, her walls would come crumbling down, and anxiety would flood in. But that isn't what he wanted for her, he knew she had to face her demons, and he would be there for her every step of the way.
....
He found her in the gym, sitting in the middle of the boxing ring, staring at the wall. Her eyebrows creased, and she frowned, she was deep in thought.
“Penny for your thoughts?” he asked quietly, walking over to her, and sitting down in front of her.
“You're going to have to pay a lot more than a penny to have my thoughts,” she smirked, he chuckled,
“I guess so.”
Natasha had been thinking, about how different her life had become. The day Clint recruited her, she had been a Russian spy, alone, heartless, ready to kill, she was no more than a weapon, no family, and no attachments. But now, now she had something to fight for, she had become better, she had forced herself to be better. She had vowed that she would erase some of the red that consumed her whole life. Turns out, it had been all for nothing, and now the whole world knew who she was. She had released her demons out into the open, and now they were hunting her.
She had zoned-out again, and Steve waved his hand in front of her face, “Nat?” She shook her head.
“Sorry Steve, I'm listening,” she smiled at him, but she looked broken.
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?” he asked,
“Sure,” she nudged his knee with hers.
“How do you manage to stay so calm in situations when your hold world is falling apart?” his voice was soft, and somehow reassuring.
“You learn how after it's happened enough times,” her voice broke slightly, as she got up and walked away.
No one needed to bear her burdens with her. They were hers, and hers alone. No one deserved to carry the sins of her past with her, least of all Steve.
She shut the door to her bathroom and sat down next to her bath, in the corner, alone, on the cold floor. She buried her face in her hands, as she let one, two, three tears fall, until she was silently sobbing. She wrapped her arms around her midsection, she had to deal with this anxiety alone. No one cared, and no one ever would.
Her breaths came out in short gasps, lacking oxygen from her crying session. She stood up and looked in the mirror, she saw her puffy, tear-stained face, and could hear her mentors in the Room mocking her. “You're a weak little girl! If you are to survive this world, you are to be strong. Tears show weakness, you cannot be weak, you should be made of marble, you should be unbreakable.”
Well, looking at herself now, she had failed that assignment miserably. She was broken, and she wasn't sure she was going to be able to put herself back together this time. But all that mattered was that the team thought she was strong. If she could keep up that image of her in her minds, she could make it through this.
Natasha washed her face and crawled into bed, wrapping herself in her duvet, where she was safe. She closed her eyes, only to be haunted by the ghosts from her past, trying to claw their out. She was suffering, dying on the inside, but she couldn't get help, she wouldn't get help. There were just some aspects of her training in the room that she would never let go of.
Natasha was frequently woken up from her nightmares, but that was normal, she was able to work through it. She lived her life on autopilot. Wake up, eat, train, go on missions, try to stay alive, go to bed, and repeat.
.......
She woke up and went into the kitchen, and for once, she wasn't the only one. Steve was sitting at the kitchen table, nursing his morning cup of tea.
“Morning,” he smiled warmly,
“Morning Cap,” she returned the smile.
“How about we go have some fun today? Go get an ice-cream?” he suggested. Even though she hadn't noticed, Steve had seen how weighed-down and unhappy Natasha had been recently. He really wanted to change that.
“That would be nice,” her heart flickered with an ounce of hope. Maybe she could let someone in.