“I maintain that sexual attraction isn’t real,” Tony says because it wasn’t. He would know, he was one of the smartest people in the known universe, if sexual attraction was legit he’d know about it. Everyone was wrong, like when Galileo discovered that the earth revolved around the sun and not the other way around and no one believed him. That was this, but with sexual attraction and he was obviously right about it not existing. Everyone else thought he was wrong but what the hell did they know? They weren’t geniuses so clearly they were wrong.
“Tony, you are literally the only one here who thinks that, you can’t possibly maintain that you are the correct one when you are in the minority,” Rhodey says, trying desperately to explain to Tony that yes, sexual attraction was real.
“Okay but consider this, people maintained that the earth was flat, and that the sun and planets revolved around the earth instead of the sun. We know that’s bullshit and at one point only a minority of people believed that was true. I’m telling you, Rhodes, in twenty years we’re all going to be sitting around laughing about how you guys really thought sexual attraction was real, and that you’re all savages and I was smart the whole time,” he says. Rhodey looks extra confused by this but instead of outright telling Tony he was wrong he just rubs his temples and sighs.
“Alright man, I’ll humor you. What is it, exactly, that you feel when you decide you wanna have sex with someone? And I know that you said something about like the way people talk and move and stuff but that makes no sense to me. I just know but you like… go through a process or something,” he says, frowning. At least he was trying to understand, he had mentioned something about it in an interview and the guy conducting the interview had laughed him off, claiming that wasn’t real, especially because of his considerably long list of sex partners. He had shut that shit down immediately, of course, because that didn’t even make any fucking sense and the hell if he was going to have someone tell him how he felt. He had enough of that bullshit as a kid he was not going to get that as an adult too.
It helped that he told the guy that he was ten million times smarter than him on his dumbest day, there was no way he could possibly have a better grasp on Tony’s thoughts than he did.
“Okay so like. You know my pattern, why are you asking?” he asks because yeah, Rhodey knew he had a type, he could gather what that meant.
“I know you have a thing for good conversationalists but like… I’m not seeing how that factors into the sex, never did but you’ve always been a little weird that way. Like for me there’s a total disconnect between what you see in a potential sex partner and how that even connects to sex at all. If I want to sleep with someone I don’t need any of the things you’ve mentioned, aesthetics are enough. So uh, how?” he asks, his eyebrows drawing together.
Tony sighs and considers how he explained things to Steve. Of course if it hadn’t been for fucking Barnes calling things into question he wouldn’t have had to explain anything to Steve but no, he thought it was offensive that Tony didn’t find Steve sexually attractive. Never mind that he had thought the concept was made up so he obviously hadn’t found anyone sexually attractive but whatever. Steve was understanding though, and he listened, but the guy was basically a martyr, Tony expected solidarity and understanding and Steve delivered. What happened between Steve and Barnes afterwards was Steve’s problem, frankly Tony was not a fan but he put up with the guy for Steve’s sake.
“Huh. Okay. I don’t know how to explain this because everyone seems to expect some moment of sexual attraction, which never happens. I just… I don’t want to sleep with someone who isn’t much of an active participant you know? Not hot, like at all. If I don’t know for sure you’re interested I’m not interested. I’ve found that people who are… I don’t know, more aggressive? No, that isn’t quite right, more outspoken maybe, people who are passionate and present in conversation tend to be less… ehh,” he says, making a face. His process was just so obvious to him it didn’t make sense that other people didn’t get it, and he sure as hell didn’t understand knowing right off the bat that he’d want to have sex with someone. That made no sense whatsoever.
“So… you look for qualities in a conversation that might carry on to the bedroom?” Rhodey asks. He still looks confused but then Tony was confused as to his process, or lack thereof, too.
“Basically. Like Steve, or Pep when we dated for a bit there, even you, like back in college. And that reporter, the one before Afghanistan. All of you talk with me you know, and you’re all willing to say no, change your mind, tell me what you want, I’m sure you can see how that translates the bedroom,” he says. Why people didn’t look for all of those things anyways he had no fucking clue because weren’t all those things necessary? They were for him anyway.
Rhodey nods and then something seems to click, “oh you do have a type, especially if you want an actual relationship out of it. Alright, I see where you’re going with that but like… college? How’d that work because you definitely didn’t have a type then,” he points out.
Yeah, didn’t he know it. “To be honest sex was just something I did because it was expected, and then my reputation made it like way more expected. Frankly it was boring and tedious and I found it to be a waste of my time, which probably why I was drunk like ninety percent of the time whenever I did have sex but whatever. And then you. I mean neither of us even saw that coming but I figured whatever, I like you, might be alright or at least better than everyone else. But then you ended up being totally different because you didn’t expect me to do all the work, and you like… communicated and shit, and asked where I was at and stuff. You’re a very considerate lover, I like about you even if I don’t really… partake anymore, but still. That was a good experience so I wondered what was different about you and everyone else and it took years but I finally figured it out and voila! Here I am!” he says, waving his hands around and grinning.
“You spent years having sex when you didn’t even have an interest in it?” Rhodey asks, looking horrified, “why would you do that? No, you know what who cares why you did it, how the hell did no one notice?” he asks. Read: how the hell did I not notice?
“I’m a great liar when I want to be, Rhodey, you know that. It doesn’t matter now anyways because I found what I like and it’s all good now,” he says in a cheery tone.
“You better not do that now,” Rhodey says, “you can’t be going around having sex with people because that’s what everyone thinks you should be doing. That is not fair to you,” he says protectively. Tony smiles because he forgot how protective Rhodey could be and it was sweet that he cared.
“It’s fine, Rhodey, I mostly don’t do that now,” he says. He actually did have a considerably high libido and when he wasn’t interested, well, there were worse things he’d have to compromise on.
“No! You don’t do that ever! You can’t be having sex out of obligation, if you’re not interested say no and that is that, there is no compromising if you aren’t interested. People can’t do that to you Tony, that’s abuse,” he says. The poor guy looks lost on how to deal with this and personally Tony thought he was making far too big of a deal out of this.
“That’s a bit extreme, Rhodes, it’s hardly abuse,” he says. It was more of an inconvenience if anything but at least it was a considerably nice inconvenience. Most of the time he got an orgasm out of it, he could hardly complain about that.
“Yes it is, Tony! When you look for partners you specifically look for people you know will be active participants, I’m sure your partners would also like to know that you are actually interested in the act. Do not have sex with people out of obligation, Tony, that not good for you,” he says.
He would have liked to argue but Rhodey makes a point and it clicks, “oh, I see what you’re saying here but I mean. It’s not that big of a problem to just go ahead and do the thing, sex is nice, why not? Might as well,” he says. It wasn’t a feeling he got often now but there were still moments and it wasn’t that big of a deal to just deal with it.
“Tony you have spent literal years trying to make sure that people aren’t doing what you did in college with you and you claim it isn’t a big deal? It is a big deal, please stop doing that, there is no need to have sex if you don’t want it and if your partner makes you feel like you have to have sex with them then you run,” he says and there’s a thinly veiled threat in that. He tries to imagine Rhodey beating up Captain America and sorts because yeah, okay, his suit was barely up for the job let alone perfectly human Rhodey. He’d try though and that was sweet. “Are you laughing? You stop laughing right now, Tony, this is serious,” Rhodey says, crossing his arms and looking remarkably like his mother when she’d given them disapproving looks for getting into trouble again. Sweet woman, he missed her.
“Rhodey, its fine,” he says, “it’s not something I do much anymore anyways, leave it be.”
“I don’t care how often you do that; you shouldn’t do it at all!” Rhodey says, waving his hands around.
“Shouldn’t do what? Please don’t tell me he tried to test a suits reaction time by jumping off SI again, I almost had a heart attack last time,” Steve says, looking genuinely worried. He had gotten yelled at something fierce for that but it worked so he didn’t see the problem. It would have been a problem if he was splattered on the cement but clearly that was not a thing.
“Have sex when he doesn’t want to,” Rhodey says like he’s ratting Tony out or something.
“It’s not a big deal, shit Rhodes, calm down,” he says. Really, he was obviously fine so there was clearly no problem.
Steve, however, looked like someone told him that Brock Rumlow was now the president of the United States because he looked a mix between horrified and upset. Okay, so maybe he’d be more pissed at a Rumlow presidency but still. “That is so a big deal Tony of my god you can’t do that! Have you done that with me? You have, I didn’t even notice I am a horrible person oh my god. Wait, does this have anything to do with Bucky because if it does we will have words,” Steve says, adopting that Righteous Captain America stance he got when he felt passionately about something.
“Steve thinks it’s a problem,” Rhodey says and Tony rolls his eyes.
“What are we, ten? Seriously, we’re grown men, there is no need to rat me out and then rub it in my face. It’s not a problem guys, relax, it isn’t like I do it that much,” he says because it wasn’t a big deal, really, it was a pretty rare thing anyways.
“It doesn’t matter how often you do it, you shouldn’t do it at all, Tony. I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to have sex with you out of obligation, so if you aren’t interested just say no. It isn’t like I’m going to have a problem with that, you can’t be interested all the time,” Steve says and yeah, that was logical but still.
“Yeah well, apparently it’s like… offensive if I don’t find you sexually attractive or whatever, might as well just have sex with you. It’s not the worst hardship I’ve ever had to deal with,” he says. And it wasn’t, it was okay mostly, if a bit boring.
Steve pinches his nose between his thumb and forefinger, “okay two things. One, the fact that you just called sex a hardship pretty much sums up why you should just say no if you aren’t interested. And two, Rhodes, deal with this, I’m going to go yell at Bucky,” he says and walks off in a flurry or righteous fury.
“Great. Barnes killed my parents, tried to blow my head off, and now he killed my sex life too. Fuck that guy,” he mumbles, not at all impressed with this turn of events. Granted Bucky wasn’t really Bucky when he killed his parents, and he could have done without Howard so he had forgiven the guy for that a long time ago, but he liked his sex life, he didn’t want that to die.
“Well if your sex life is something you participate in out of obligation it should die,” Rhodey says, “please stop doing that, Tony.”
“Okay, okay. If it will stop you and Steve freaking out then fine,” he says, throwing his hands up.
“Tony,” Rhodey says in a more serious tone.
“I will not have sex if I don’t want to, is that better?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.
“I could have done without the sarcasm but I know that’s the best I’m going to get,” Rhodey says.
“Well now Steve’s going to be all super extra cautious with consent so by the time he finishes asking me if I’m actually interested fifty million times I probably won’t be so. Guess I’m going to have to get reacquainted with my left hand,” he mumbles, glaring at said body part in distain.
“I’m sure your sex life will be fine, Tony,” Rhodey says, “and Steve is right to be cautious about consent with you knowing that you have a tendency to ignore your own feelings in favor of his. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m hoping to catch the tail end of Steve ripping Bucky a new one,” Rhodey says, squeezing his shoulder and taking off. JARVIS informs him that he has sent him a copy of the whole encounter because JARVIS is a good friend and knew Tony would definitely want to watch that. Anything that involved Precious Barnes being yelled at was his thing.
“Thanks J,” he says and he figures that video will give him life even if his sex life just died in the water.