Chapter 2
So as if Padre of the Year, Worst Parent Ever, and Winter clearing her out of blueberry scones and chocolate milk and napkins after an hour long shouting match of “Velveteen, damnit, I said Velveteen!” and “Aw, Brock-babe, do you gotta?” while kiddo stuffed his face then puked it up and stuffed it again with his puke wasn’t enough, like, not even an hour later these two dudes showed up on a motorcycle. And hombre, these guys? They weren’t from around here, y estoy seguro.
That Harley? Yeah. That shit was old school, ‘mano. But the riders—? ¿Qué?
Rita was from South Texas, okay? Big white dude revving up on a Hog in a leather jacket was one thing. But big white dude trundling in quietly in a brown leather jacket with the world’s most awful plaid and madre de dios—were those fucking khakis?—and sneakers riding tandem with his black husband wrapped up behind him. Well. That ain’t something you see everyday.
…When did the goddamn Gas ’n Go get so high on the gay agenda, anyways?
She stood. Cricked her neck. She was goddamned sick of scrubbing the floor free of Wintersick, anyways, ‘mano. She did not get paid enough for this shit.
Tall, Black and hello, handsome! took of his helmet, carried it under arm. The Walking Dockers Display stood for a moment, stretched, and damn if those weren’t some muy, muy fine man titties hidden away under all that terrible taste in clothes. Rita just wanted to bite on them and oookay, chica, cálmate. So the whole single mom with a seven year-old autistic kid thing kinda put a damper on her sex life. Sue her.
“You want something?” Tall, Dark, and Handsome asked.
“You know what I like,” Dockers Display yawned, scratched his helmet-head hair, then headed for the restroom. “Be there in a minute.”
Oh, ‘mano. You really don’t wanna go in there. As of yet, Rita had neither the time nor courage to tackle the shitshow Winter had made in the men’s room. Dockers scurried out not a second later, eyeing the thing like it’d personally betrayed him.
“Something wrong?” Tall Dark and Handsome asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I’m just going to—“ he flushed. “Be there in a minute.” And rapped attentively on the mujeres, called “anyone in there?” waited a polite seven seconds, then pushed in.
“A caramel frappuccino, please,” Handsome said, eying the menu above her head. “And he’ll have coffee. Large. Black. Uh, as strong as you can make it.”
…Claro que sí, I sure bet it is. Damnit, chica, hold it together!
Dockers Display came sprinting out of the mujeres, looking utterly disgusted. Rita had the sudden, terrible thought that Winter’d pissed the walls in both of them.
“You won’t believe what I just saw!” Dockers panted.
Handsome sighed. “Oh, man. Please tell me there was no one in there.”
“No, no—Sam, they’ve got a tampon machine in there!”
Oh, no. Not feminine hygiene products, Rita glowered. En serio. ¿Qué es tu problema, hombre—?
Dark Chocolate here just shook his head. Took a sexy, sexy slurp of that iced coffee. Rita’d be happy to offer him her servicios anytime, hombre. Qualquier cosa que quieres. “Man, after the truck stops we’ve pissed at and the sheer amount of used condoms we’ve seen, didn’t think this was gonna be an issue.”
“My mother was a nurse, Sam, and an abortionist,” Dockers rolled his eyes. “In the era before birth control was even legal. So no, it’s not an issue.”
Oookay, then. Roe v. What in the world—?
“So what’s the problem?”
“They’re—they’re charging money!” Dockers exclaimed passionately. “As if women ask to menstruate! I don’t have to pay for toilet paper, do I? So why—“
Pause.
“Yo, Papí, this guy even real—?” Rita gaped. Handsome burst out into an absolutamente sinful chuckles. Hey there, sunshine. ¿Qué haces luego?
“Why are you laughing?” Dockers stamped his foot. “This is serious!”
“You—you really never stop, do you?” Chocolate Cake said with a delicious grin.
“Stop what?” Social Justice Warrior McDad Pants said.
Creamy Fudgsicle eyed him in a slow, suave once over. “That.”
“You literally just gestured to all of me,” Dadpants harumphed.
But Hersheys Kiss Me Ahorita, ‘Mano only groaned. “Man, I so knew letting you watch How To Train Your Dragon was gonna end poorly for me.”
Tall? Guapos? Sassy potential gay babysitter duo who loved Disney? Dios mio she was only twenty-three, did she just dream herself into a mom porno—? ‘Cause be honest, now, chica, if Mighty Fine Like an Aged Wine here and Dadpants Be Damned That Ass wanted to get it on right here, right now in her terrible excuse for a coffee shop, well. Rita’d clean Wintersick off the floor every night para toda la vida for the chance to see that shit.