There is nothing we can do
In the Easter holidays of 1977 James and Sirius had barely lasted a day before launching into a prank planning craze spending days on end brainstorming and researching for what would have to be their best prank yet- it was the end of their 6th year after all. This fervent attention to the topic ended just as quickly as it had started however when Remus and Peter arrived about 5 days in. It was custom really, that the four all ended up at the Potter’s (bar Sirius when he was still living at Grimmauld place of course) by this time it was a home for all of them. Effie and Monty didn’t mind of course, quite on the contrary, they adored the company. They had always wanted multiple children, and where life had seemed to have had other plans- fate had intervened. Now, they had too many to count.
Sirius and James had tried to pull Remus and Peter into their extensive planning, but the other two had declared it could wait- that they should enjoy the holiday while it lasted. And well, once that idea had been raised, it was quite unanimously agreed upon.
Local bars were explored, muggle shops in London discovered (the record shops especially had been examined with the utmost reverence), the girls were quickly invited over and many parties were thrown. It was likely one of the best holidays in James’ life. Though he had never truly longed for happiness, as he had always been supplied it in copious quantities, it had shown him- shown them all- how wonderful life could really be.
The Easter holiday of 1978 was nothing like that of the previous years.
James had barely made it to his room before he had started sobbing- true gut wrenching sobs. And once he had started, he just couldn’t stop. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. Never in his life had he felt so heartbroken as he did now. Gods he missed Regulus. It had barely been a minute or two since he had locked eyes with him at Kings cross and yet it felt like years. Years. He might not see Regulus ever again.
He might never see Regulus again.
The thought was torturous, agonising, and yet persistent. Sinking its teeth into the forefront of his mind and refusing to relinquish it. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. And yet he could not rid himself of it. Even if he could, would he? Because to lose that thought would be to lose a part- no matter how small- of Regulus. And James could not bare to lose anymore than he already had. Memories, fears, worries, those were all that James had left of him- and James would be dammed if he let any of them go.
Slowly a pair of arms wound themselves around him, snaking around his shoulders and holding him tight.
‘Shh, sh its okay love, let it all out.’
‘Mum-’ James croaked.
‘I’m here,’ she soothed.
‘Regulus he–’ he couldn’t find the words to explain it, any of it.
‘I know, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’
James did not ask how it was that she knew. It would be pointless. She knew because she was Euphemia Potter, a woman who knew all, and more than that, she knew James. Perhaps better than any one.
‘Sirius-’ he protested slightly, not quite able to fully form the question.
‘Monty’s with him. Don’t worry about that now. Worry about yourself darling.’
And so for once, he did. James heaved out another sob and folded into her arms- with no plans to leave them any time soon.
. . . .
Things didn’t get better.
James barely talked to Sirius, and Sirius barely talked to him. How could they act normal around one another? How could they pretend everything was all right? How could they, when they both looked at one another and saw a brother- the wrong brother.
Sirius looked at James and saw the brother that he had chosen. The brother from his true family- the one had found rather than been born into. The brother that he relied upon. He looked at James and didn’t see his little brother. Didn’t see the brother he had grown up with. Didn’t see the brother that shared his blood. Didn’t see the brother he loved more than anything in the world. He saw James where he wanted to see Regulus, so how could he talk as if things were normal?
James looked at Sirius and saw a Black brother. The older one. The one with longer hair and band tees and a leather jacket. He saw his other half, the reflection of himself. He saw his best friend, the brother he had always wanted. He saw the boy that could make him laugh no matter what. He saw the boy who looked too much like his little brother. He did see Regulus, within him, in his mannerisms, in his way of talking, in his looks. And yet Regulus wasn’t there. What he couldn’t see was the boy he had come to love despite their differences. The boy who could be mean and cruel and yet so lovely. The boy who had snuck into his heart unchecked and made himself at home. The boy who he may never see again. So how could he bare to look at his older brother, who looked far too much like him, and would only ever remind him of what he had lost?
No. They did not look at each other. Did not talk to each other. They didn’t need to, to understand one another. To understand that space was necessary.
James threw himself into quidditch training with a ferocity he had never quite possessed before. Sure, it had always meant a lot to him, it had always been regarded as highly important- but now he barely left the pitch. He may not have had a team with him, but like this, he did not need one. In fact, he was better without one, better without someone constantly asking if he was okay, telling him he needed to take a break, to say please James get some sleep.
It was not as if his parents didn’t try to do those things, with varying degrees of success. He could tell that they were worried, about Sirius too. No matter what, James had never retreated in upon himself quite like this before, and it was sure to be stressing them out. He did feel bad about that, but not enough to pretend to be okay- it wasn't as if they wouldn’t see right through it anyway.
At least James was eating properly, Sirius wasn’t. That worried James too. Enough to send Remus a very brief and to the point letter inviting him round. He had then scanned the reply when it arrived until he found confirmation that he would in fact be coming at the end of the first week. He didn’t read the rest. Nor did he read any of the other letters sent to him. He couldn’t bring himself to read about how the others worried for him, worried when they should be worried for Regulus instead.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus.
. . . .
In the early hours of Wednesday morning, James awoke to the sound of his door creaking open. Sitting up, he’d found Sirius stood in the opening, tears pouring down his face- a silent question.
Wordlessly, James answered, pulling one side of his duvet over and looking back at Sirius expectantly. Sirius heaved a sigh of relief and crawled immediately into his bed curling into James, before quickly beginning to sob again. It wasn’t often that James saw Sirius cry. Sirius was the kind of person that would release his pain through anger and fights. When Sirius did cry, it was a truly tragic thing to bare witness to. It was ugly and unrefined and entirely raw. And it was always, always, to do with Regulus.
So James couldn’t help but cling back, letting tears of his own slide silently down his face.
The two boys, so loud and so talkative, did not say a word. As they did not need to talk to understand one another, they did not need to talk to find comfort in one another.
When Effie opened the door in the morning to wake James up as requested, she found the two still clung to one another in sleep, holding on as if for dear life. Without a sound she backed out of the room and closed the door behind her. With all the pain the boys were facing, she could not bear to disturb a simple moment of bliss.
. . . .
On Thursday, the four were sitting for a family lunch in the dining room when Monty made an off-hand comment about Sirius constantly acting like an overgrown puppy.
Immediately, James and Sirius looked at each other, a smile spreading across their faces and a laugh bubbling in their throats. Then they blinked, their smiles disappearing and laughs dying before they could even truly form.
How could they act upon joy when Regulus….Regulus was not there, and never would be.
. . . .
On Friday, nothing happened.
Nothing unusual that is.
James continued to fly far too much and Sirius explored the grounds as padfoot- James suspected it was easier to deal with emotions in that form.
They ate dinner with the family, still speaking little, if not at all.
Then they went to bed.
The same as they had any other day.
. . . .
On Saturday, the doorbell rang.