Carefree Laughter
Dorcas would be lying if they said that they weren’t absolutely shitting themselves. Like genuinly she was fucking petrified. This may have been their idea but fuck was she regretting it.
Why did Marlene have to look so damn good?
She was there, dancing in the centre of the room, blissfully unaware of how many eyes watched her, tracking how she moved, how she danced, how she laughed. She was just so captivating. Music come alive, Dorcas often thought. And she was, really, something no one could live without, humanity's greatest pleasure and their greatest agony. Marlene was otherworldly, in the sense that no earth could never create something so surreal- so flawless. She was the goddess Nemesis, ‘the inescapable’ ready to punish the mortals too easily captivated by her gaze. And Dorcas could only watch, a gluttony for suffering upon something she could never truly have.
‘Regulus you came.’ And then there was James, interrupting her extensive musings, staring- so utterly taken- at Regulus.
‘Of course I did.’
Dorcas glanced down at their friend surprised to see him give a small smile, only James could elicit one so easily. It was amusing honestly, how in love they were even if they didn’t quite know it yet. Everyone else could tell so easily, it was a miracle that their relationship had stayed a secret so long really, if they went around looking at one another like that.
‘Oh,’ sighed James, rather pitifully. And she did, pity him that was, they knew what it was like to be so quickly flustered- and Regulus certainly wasn’t helping. Not with his black clothes and tight top and plethora of golden jewellery. Honestly, they were surprised that James hadn’t just passed out at the sight of him.
‘Oh for Merlins sake,’ she finally groaned, ‘I will not stand here all evening with you two eye-fucking each other. Please, just save us all and go and shag already.’
Regulus, that bitch, scowled at them and replied ‘Or perhaps Cas, you could do us all a favour and go and talk to a certain someone. Isn’t that why we’re here in the first place?’
They opened their mouth to reply when– ‘Yeah, I’m sure Marlene would enjoy some conversation. Especially from you.’
Fuck.
Was she really that obvious?
She glared at James, who irritatingly only grinned, before finally huffing and walking away from the pair. Knowing them, she could probably leave the party right now and they wouldn’t even notice. Except….except they’d promised to themself that this would be the day. That she’d talk properly to Marlene, and maybe- maybe- ask her out.
Sighing, they headed towards the other girl, grabbing a drink along the way and perched on the sofa next to her, gathering her courage.
‘Wanna dance?’
Shit.
Dorcas looked up, surprised by the sudden request- and there, looking stupidly stunning, was Marlene. Hand outstretched, head tilted in question. Her eyes were alight with a luminescent joy, and her mouth was stretched into a wide, beautiful, smile. How could Dorcas say anything but yes?
‘Fuck yeah.’
Well.
They could have been a bit more casual about it couldn’t they. However it seemed her enthusiasm was the right response as Marlen grabbed her hand and pulled them to their feet, tugging her close so that their bodies were so nearly touching. Oh how Dorcas wanted to breach the gap. They swayed together in a way that was borderline indecent, toying, tiptoeing closer and closer to that line. She couldn’t believe this was happening. They might as well be dreaming.
‘So, you enjoying the party?’ Marlene's mouth was so close to hers, so, so close.
Dorcas tilted their head, ‘Hmm, I am now.’
Marlene flushed a beautiful red, her feet stumbling slightly as she moved- ‘Oh.’ Merlin, Dorcas wanted to taste that sound. She wanted, oh she wanted.
‘Yes oh.’
‘You– do you?’
‘Do I…..?’
Seeming to have lost control of her words, Marelen just brought herself closer- if that was even possible and slid her hands even lower down Dorcas’ back. They could hardly believe this was real.
‘Marlene are you-’
She was cut off, mid question, by an insistent tapping on their shoulder. Whipping round in annoyance, they almost groaned upon seeing who it was.
Last year, she had made the impulsive- and very, very stupid- decision to date a hufflepuff from their year in an attempt to get over Marlene. It had been useless of course, she’d ended up just as infatuated as ever, just with the irritation addition of an ex whose sole purpose in life seemed to be just to pester them. True, you could say that starting a relationship as an attempt to get over another person was never a good idea, and that it had been doomed from the start- but still. It had been horrendous.
Adria had seemed perfectly lovely to begin with, honestly she was one of the nicest people Dorcas had ever met. But then, well, then she began to start acting a little strange. Not strange as in odd or peculiar- but really, really strange. The worst thing was, she only did it when they were both hanging out with Dorcas’ friends, never when they were just alone. She would just say something completely bizarre and they would all look at each other like…are you seeing this shit. And then when Dorcas finally mustered up the courage to mention it to her, she told them that- ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about Cassie. Are you sure your friends aren’t just making it up- they don’t seem to like me very much. You don’t notice a difference right?’. That went on for weeks. Her manipulating and honestly just confusing the fuck out of Dorcas until she finally broke up with her. They thought that would be it. But no. Adria had been bothering her since like an insistent fly. And now she was here, interrupting them when she’d finally got a moment with Marlene. Of course.
‘What do you want, Adria?’ Dorcas sighed.
‘No need to be rude love, just wanted to say hi.’
‘Well say hi at some other time,’ they replied through gritted teeth, ‘Can’t you see I’m busy.’
‘Oh I’m sorry,’ she replied, not sounding sorry in the slightest, ‘ I didn't realise. I’ll say hi to your friend too then. Hi…Marly is it?’
‘Marlene,’ Dorcas corrected sharply.
‘Wow someone’s in a bit of a bad mood,’ Adria pouted, ‘I wasn’t trying to be impolite- is she your girlfriend or something.’
Dorcas didn’t reply, couldn’t really. There was nothing to say. No, Marlene wasn’t her girlfriend. Yes, she wanted to be. No, it might never happen. No, she would never give up hope.
‘I am, actually.’
What.
Dorcas whipped round in shock to find Marlene glaring intensely at Adria, her arm tightening around Dorcas’ waist- and fuck that was hot, she was so, so hot. Her jaw was clenched and she was eyeing the other girl with absolute loathing, despite having met her only minutes ago. Was she jealous? Gods, they hoped she was jealous. Then Marlene’s eyes flickered over to her, and her harsh look faded away, replaced by something so, so soft. Merlin, this better be real.
‘Uh, yeah she is,’ they added, not looking away from the goddess standing before them.
‘Oh.’ Adria sounded disappointed, annoyed really. Dorcas didn’t care, she didn’t even glance at her.
‘Mhmm.’
‘Right, um, I’m going to go,’ out of the corner of their eye, she saw Adria turn to walk away- only to pause and look back to say, ‘But if you ever tire of her, remember how fun we were.’
Dorcas didn’t reply- didn’t need to. Not when she had Marlene still looking at her like that, still holding them close, still pretending she cared. Or..or maybe she did care. Maybe it wasn’t a pretence at all.
‘Do you–’
‘I wan–’
They both started speaking at the same time, unsure on how to fill the silence, how to breach the gap.
‘You go,’ Dorcas said, hoping that what Marlene wanted was exactly what she did.
‘I want…will you-’ she swallowed as if mustering up the courage, though Dorcas couldn’t imagine what for. They would never deny Marlene anything. ‘Kiss me,’ she finally said, abandoning any pointless phrases. ‘Please, kiss me Dorcas.’
It was the sound of their name on her tongue that finally did it.
She tipped her head forward and pressed their lips together, finally breaching that gap that they’d always longed to cross. It was rough and it was tender all at once. Marlene responded by surging forward, winding her arm round Dorcas’ neck, threading it into her hair, eliciting a truly inappropriate sound out of their mouth. Fuck. Surely they were in heaven, this was celestial and yet entirely damning at the same time. She had never been kissed like this- they weren’t sure if they would ever be kissed like this again. It was glorious.
Unfortunately, the trivial need to breathe, broke them up what felt like years later. Dorcas didn’t care for the separation- would happily die of suffocation if her last breaths were of Marlene. However the other girl didn’t seem to feel the same, in fact she pulled back further, taking a step away from Dorcas leaving her so cold.
‘Where are you going?’ The words came out as a mess through her desperation.
‘Do you mean where are we going?’
Oh.
Oh.
After that, Dorcas followed her very happily- embarrassingly eagerly rather- to her dorm.
It was the best night of her life.
. . . .
Marlene was absolutely not enjoying life. No really, she had a proper bone to pick with it. Because what the fuck.
To begin with everything had been going great. More than great actually, perfect. The party had started off brilliantly, she’d been having a lot of fun- and then she’d noticed Dorcas sat near her and she just couldn’t resist. So they danced in a way that was so nearly indecent, and merlin, it had been glorious. Of course that had been ruined quickly by Dorcas’ stupid fucking ex. God, Marlene hated her. How could anyone who had the privilege of dating Dorcas Meadows, let them go. More than that, she wouldn’t stop pestering her. Marlene wanted to smack sense into her.
To be fair, it was thanks to her that Marlene had the pleasure of saying she was Dorcas’ girlfriend, if only to get her off their back. Oh, how Marlene longed to be their girlfriend. And then of course Dorcas had looked at her with those eyes- with those fucking eyes- and well, she had practically melted.
Then, then, they had kissed.
Marlene was sure at that moment that she had died- because nothing in life could feel so good. That was before what came after.
And now, now, Marlene hadn’t seen Dorcas in three days.
It had all started the morning after.
Dorcas had to leave early to get to a lesson, and they’d woken up late so it was all a bit of a rush and they didn’t really have time to talk. It’s ok though, Marlene had thought, I’ll just talk to her later.
She didn’t have any lessons for an hour or so herself, so she leisurely made her way down to the great hall, helped herself to breakfast, had a weirdly intense conversation with Peter about types of cereal, and was then ready to get on with her day.
Except just as she was standing to leave, a tawny owl that she knew to be her mam’s, swooped in and landed on her shoulder. She hadn’t thought much of it at the time, and simply taken the letter off the owl and given her a bite of sausage (her name was Cadence, and she simply adored sausage, and since Marlene was a weak women who loved Cadence very much- she gave her a piece ever time (she didn’t care that her mam claimed this made her overweight, because Cadence was happy and that was all that mattered)).
It was only as she was half way up a flight of stairs on her way to Charms when she opened it.
Darling Marlene, it said- and immediately she knew it was from her mam not her dad as only she referred to her as that.
I miss you so very dearly, and I can’t wait to see you. I understand that you were planning to come home for the holidays, and I very much wish that you do. However I feel compelled to let you know what exactly you are to come home to, in case you would rather stay at Hogwarts with your friends. You know I wouldn’t hold it against you if you did,
I really don’t know how to put this so that it will soften the blow, perhaps it is best to just say it clearly. Your Father and I are going to get a divorce. The situation at home hasn’t exactly gotten better, and we decided that it was for the best that we separate. It’s not going to be easy, or necessarily quick, but it will make for a better future. For all of us.
I am so, so sorry that you’ve had to put up with the two of us for the last few years. You have been so brave, and I hope you will never have to go through it again.
If you do decide to come home, it will just be me there. Your Father is still in the area, just renting out a flat. Of course you can absolutely visit him, but I can’t guarantee that he will be there all the time. You don’t have to think about living arrangements yet, we will sort that out at a later date.
Perhaps I should not have written this letter at all, but I just didn’t want you to come home and be so unpleasantly surprised by the change of events. I truly hope that I haven’t ruined your final week with your friends before the holidays. Though again, if you don’t want to come home I understand completely.
Being honest, I have had this letter written for many weeks, I was just hoping that I would never have to send it.
I love so so much, my darling Marlene.
Love from,
Mam
The thing is, she isn’t even surprised. She knew it would happen, it had been in the making for years.
So why, why, does she feel so dizzy. Why does she feel as if she had been living in shelter all her life, and suddenly someone has ripped it away and she is left in the torrential rain, as it lashes out, cutting her, whipping her. Safety and comfort and home had always been touch and go, but now they were gone. Gone.
She couldn’t see, couldn’t hear. It was like everything had just closed down. What was she supposed to do? It was her family, and now..all of her sudden there was no family. Just the ashes left behind from a savage flame that had taken everything from her. Why couldn’t everything just be alright? Or ok? Or even just manageable, manageable would be fine.
Marlene stumbled forward, or back, she wasn’t sure- and felt her leg plunge down, and then her body fall forward and her head slam into something. And then…then she felt nothing at all.
. . . .
‘You dramatic bastard. How dare you one up me.’
Marlene blinked open one eye, to find Sirius hovering a couple of feet away from her head, looking properly disgruntled. Upon further inspection, she noticed that Mary and Lily were sitting in chairs to her left, with matching expressions of concern, and Peter was slouched on her right. He didn’t look concerned at all- just amused. Bitch.
‘Oh I’m sorry,’ She snarked back, ‘Did my fall make you feel incompetent in the art of dramatics?’ At least she was fairly certain she had fallen, it made sense that she had after…everything. A flash of cold washed over her as she remembered what exactly had made her collapse.
‘Oh he’s just concerned and incapable of showing his true emotions darling.’
Darling
Darling Marlene, I miss you very dearly, an–
‘Marlene.’ Lily waved her hand in front of her face, ‘You there?’
She cleared her throat, leaning back on her pillow, ‘Mhmm, yeah.’
Mary frowned, ‘What’s up, you’ve gone all spacey. Did something happen?’
‘Err, nope. I’m fine….where’s the other two, did they not have the courtesy to come and weep over my broken body?’ She couldn’t tell them. Not now, not yet. Not when all they could do was look at her in pity. Marlene despised pity. It wouldn’t help her, just make her feel weak and damaged. Something broken that nobody seemed to have the courtesy to throw away.
‘Oh they came by earlier, and I assure you there was an acceptable amount of weeping about your dire state. But Remus has a study group which he can’t miss because apparently he’s just that desired by the student population,’ Sirius said, obviously irked by his boyfriend’s absence, ‘And James, has quidditch practice- which obviously you are missing, and I..selflessly decided to skip. As no beaters are better than one.’
‘I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be one beater is better than none,’ Peter corrected, ‘And no one cried. I mean James wailed a little, but he does that when I stub my toe so I wouldn’t feel too touched by it.’
‘I’m hurt,’ Marlene sighed, ‘that Remus couldn’t shed even a single tear in honour of the downfall of his best friend.’
‘Oi, I’m his best friend.’
‘You’re his boyfriend Sirius.’
‘Sames thing.’
‘That’s not what he told me.’
‘Backstabbing bastard.’
‘Cock sucking cunt.’
‘Slu-’
‘Alright, alright, alright,’ Lily interrupted, knowing that they could literally continue for the rest of time, ‘I really need to go because I have to have a letter to my sister by tomorrow and I’ve been putting it off for weeks.’ She sighed in frustration, ‘She’s invited me to her wedding, but it’s right in the middle of our NEWTS. I can’t miss it, but I also can’t just fuck of to surrey for a couple of days while we’re taking our final exams. I have to tell her that I can only apparate in for the morning of the wedding. She’s not going to like that.’
Sirius patted her on the shoulder, ‘Siblings am I right?’
She smiled at him, and Marlene caught a rare glimpse of the unusual bond the two shared. To think Lily hated him for the first three years at Hogwarts. To be fair, he was a bit of a dick.
Still is.
‘Before I go, are you sure that you’re okay Marlene? You know I’m here if you want to talk,’ she smiled and it was knowing. Too knowing.
‘Yeah of course,’ she flashed a smile. It was fake.
Lily nodded, and picked up her things, patting Mary on the shoulder as she left, leaving the other girl entirely distracted for the foreseeable future. Poor thing, they were both so blind and in love, they’d get there eventually. Although Marlene had been resisting the temptation to just knock their heads together and yell ‘Shag for fucks sake’ for the past few months- I mean, she shared a dorm with them, merlin, it was exhausting.
‘So,’ Sirius said, spinning to ask her as soon as Lily left, bouncing on the edge of his seat, ‘Why’d ya fall. Did someone trip you, oooh did someone push you- or hex you for that matter. If someone is trying to kill you, I can work out who, I’ve always wanted to be one of those cool muggle detectives.’
Mary sighed and Peter whacked Sirius over the head with the head with the magazine he was holding (That’s headline oddly read ‘Bridges help people cross rivers’ which seemed obvious to Marlene, and bellow that ‘Scientist to kill ducks to see why they’re dying’ which was honestly ridiculous, and finally ‘Man arrested for everything’ which just seemed impossible- but whatever, this was Peter to be fair) both of which she appreciated.
‘No, someone didn’t trip or push or hex me. Shocker right’ her voice dripping with sarcasm, ‘ I just fell. And how do you even know what a detective is, I didn’t know that you could read.’
‘I’ll have you know that I read a lot of books actually,’ she raised her eyebrow at him and Mary scoffed, ‘...fine. Remus reads to me sometimes. The books are…quite- gripping.’
‘What I thought.’
‘Anyway you’re getting away from the point, you know exactly where the missing steps are..we all have since Pete fell through and got stuck for a solid hour in second year–’
‘Hey, we promised never to mention that.’
‘Sorry Wormy, anyway, how did you manage to not only fall through, but twist your ankle, break your arm, and get concussion at the same time. What were you trying to get a proper medley of injuries so that you didn’t look stupid, and just made us worry. If so, I hate to break it to you but you failed, you still look very stupid.’
‘He’s lying,’ Mary interjected, ‘When he found out you were in the hospital wing he sprinted all the way here and then pleaded with Madam Pomfrey to let him in as quote unquote “I need to see her to know that she’s okay Poppy, I can't rest until I see her, she’s my best friend” before ruining it and saying that he actually has multiple best friends because “he’s just that popular” and to claim to only have one is a betrayal to all his other best friends.’
‘Ha sucker, you were actually worried about me.’
‘I was not–’
‘He was Marlene, you should have seen his face when he found out you had concussion and broken bones, I thought that he was going to fight Poppy to see you,’ Peter said grinning.
Mary frowned at the two, ‘I still find it a bit weird that you both call Madam Pomfrey Poppy, do you see her a lot or something?’
Sirius and Peter glanced at each other, sharing a look so loaded that Marlene didn’t even have time to digest it. Then Sirius cleared his throat and answered, ‘Oh um…visit her after the holidays sometimes, so yeah I guess.’
It was a lie. A well crafted one at that, as Marlene could already see Mary wince and make to change the subject. But she was sure that it was a lie because number 1, Sirius never went to anyone but James after seeing his parents, as he was embarrassed about how they treated him (which was obviously ridiculous because it wasn’t he who should be ashamed, but nonetheless Marlene understood). Number 2, he only went home in the summer, avoiding any other holidays altogether, and would therefore only see the nurse once a year, which doesn’t explain the familiarity he reserves for her. Number 3, he has lived with James for the past year or so, and would have no reason to see her at all during that period of time. And finally, if only he went along to see her, why are all the others so fond of her too.
No, they were all hiding something, and Marlene was going to find out what it was. Although maybe she should wait until she could get out of bed. And move properly. And she should probably mail her mam back. Oh and talk to Dorcas.
Dorcas.
Shit.
It had probably been about two days since the party now and Marlene hadn’t seen her at all. What were they going to think? Did they even know that she was in the hospital wing? She might not even care, Marlene didn’t know if she was even interested in anything more than a one off fuck. Gods, why did this all have to be so complicated?
‘ —Right, well we’ve got to go,’ Peter was saying, ‘homework awaits.’
Sirius glanced at her hesitantly, ‘Um well, we can always grab it and come back if you want.’
‘I’ll be fine, plus Mary’s here right?’
‘Yeah no of course, see you later Marls.’
Silence stretched between the two of them after the boys left, so loud in the absence of noise that Marlene began to long for something to say. Luckily Mary did that for her.
‘So are you going to tell me what actually happened, or are you just going to keep it to yourself so as not to make us all worry. Because if that is your goal, it’s not working- we’re all worried anyway.’
‘I wish you weren’t.’
‘I know.’
‘I don’t want to tell you.’
‘I know.’
‘It’ll make me seem weak.’
‘It won’t.’
Marlene sighed, knowing that she was going to give in. Mary Mcdonald was an unstoppable force of compassion, and despite herself Marlene knew she could keep nothing from her- no matter how much it would hurt her to share.
‘My er, my parents are getting a divorce.’
Mary didn’t reply, she didn’t need to, and when Marlene glanced up she found not pity upon her friend's face but acknowledgement- a gentle nod to keep talking, and a hand placed on her arm in encouragement.
‘It’s kind of been in the works for a while now really, you know that they’ve been arguing for forever, and well.. I guess I just never expected it to actually happen. I thought that they would keep arguing and keep fighting until they died, for my sake at least. They’re my parents you know, and although they have been sidelining me and forgetting me, I still mattered to them. At least I thought I did, but if I mattered to them wouldn’t they endure hell to keep me happy. I’m not saying that them arguing makes me happy, but them separating, that’s worse. I don’t have a family anymore Mary. It’s gone. And I know that this is totally selfish, but I wish, I wish, that they would just stay together even if it ruined them because at least I would have a home and a family and my parents together.’
‘You’re not selfish. Thinking that is not selfish, wishing that is not selfish. It is natural and it is fair because you are a child. You are a child and they are your parents and it is natural for you to want them to stay together. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings.’
‘But I am. I know how hard it is for them, especially my mother. She has dealt with a horrible, horrible man for years for my sake– I– and know I’m wishing that she’ll continue to do so. It’s cruel..an- and it’s awful because he’s awful. And I don’t even have to deal with him most of the time, she’s with him all year round. And I wish she wasn’t. But, he’s my dad and I..can’t abandon him, and I can’t abandon her. I’m just as bad as him for even wanting her to stay.’
Mary lifted her hands to Marlene’s face and grasped her by the chin, forcing her to see right into the depths of her eyes, they were so warm. So warm. ‘Marlene, listen to me, you are not a bad person. You are a very good person who bad things have happened to. Your feelings are fair and justified, and I am so sorry that you have ever felt that they are not. You are not alone, and you do have a family. Even if your first one is in shambles, we are all here for you, and we all love you. You are so, so good. If you were bad, you would have never worried about being so in the first place.’
And oh, Marlene felt as if she was going to cry. In fact, she was crying. Because she was good, she was good and she wasn’t alone. She was loved.
Tears rolling down her cheeks she choked out, ‘Who told you that?’
Mary smiled, ‘You mean the first part, that was James.’
Of course it was. James was the best of them all, always had been.
‘Of course, he’s our resident angel after all.’
Mary hummed, ‘Yes, though I think he stole it from his mother.’
‘Ah Euphemia Potter, my beloved wife.’
‘Mmm yes her.’
‘Jealous Mcdonald?’
‘Oh of course Mckinonn,’ Mary gave a lovesick sigh, ‘I have loved you since the moment I met you.’
‘Who hasn’t?’
‘I’m afraid there is no answer to that. You’re just too irresistible.’
‘Damn right I am.’
A minute of silence grew between the two girls, but unlike before it wasn’t tense or overwhelming, rather comfortable- calming. Marlene felt brighter and light, something she hadn’t thought she would feel for weeks, let alone within a day. Mary had that talent, of cracking someone open and letting them bleed, before bandaging them right back up. Releasing the pressure and helping them heal. It was miracle work really. If Marlene was religious she might have thought Mary was one of God’s messengers, an angel of some sorts.
‘Is there anything else?’
‘No.’
‘Marlene.’
‘..Yes. Fine. For fucks sake Mary, could you let me retain one piece of information for myself.’
‘Nope.’
‘Urgh I hate you.’
‘No you don’t.’
‘No I don’t, but I want to okay?
‘Mhmm, now talk to me about Dorcas?’
How the fuck did she know about Dorcas?
‘How the fuck do you know about Dorcas?’
‘Please, I share a dorm with you Marlene, and plus you weren’t exactly being subtle about it at the party, you were all over each other.’
So, Marlene told her about Dorcas. She spared no details (Mary was a slut for gossip anyway so she would have gotten it out of her) and totally did not over-dramatise the sorrow of not being able to see her the past few days. To be fair, it was quite tortuous, and honestly just a bit arduous not being able to simply just leap up and scour the castle until she found them. And yet…at the same time she didn’t really want to. Because what if Dorcas didn’t want anything to do with her at all. It would be better never to find out. She wasn’t sure she could handle the heartbreak.
‘ –So I might never get to talk to them again but it was still, hands down, the best experience of my life.’
‘Wait, wait, wait..what?’ Mary interrupted the tail end of her very long (and very detailed) description of exactly what had happened, looking ridiculously confused, ‘After all of that you’re not going to ask her out?’
‘Ask her out’ Marlene cried, downright incredulous by the words that she was hearing, ‘Have you seen them? She literally-’
‘I know, the subject of every lesbians dreams. Trust me, I am fully aware of how she looks, may I remind you that I like women too.’
Marlene scoffed, ‘Oh you don’t need to remind anyone of that.’
Narrowing her eyes, Mary replied, ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Oh come on, don’t play the fool..you and Lily.’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she denied.
‘So you’re saying that you’re not completely in love with her.’
‘I’m not in love with her.’
‘Right of course not, why don’t you just ask her out again.’
‘I resent the topic of this conversation.’
‘I’m aware.’
Mary sighed, ‘Look I get that this is hypocritical of me, but honestly I couldn’t give a fuck. You need to talk to her.’
Glaring at her friend, Marlene relented (didn’t she always), ‘Fine, but only if you make a deal with me.’
‘...Fine.’ Mary looked obviously hesitant but agreed nonetheless, it seemed her overwhelming need to make Marlene happy outweighed her cautions. Just as she had planned.
‘If I ask out Dorcas by the end of the week, you have to ask out Lily….or confess to her, I’m not fussy.’
Mary blanched, scrunching her nose and shaking her head, ‘Argh I can’t believe I’m about to agree to this.’
‘You are?’ said a delighted Marlene.
‘...yes.’
‘Fuck yeah.’
‘But if you ask them out any later than next Monday, it doesn’t count.’
‘Deal.’
‘And if she asks you out, it doesn’t count.’
‘She won’t.’
‘Nope I think she will, that’s the only reason I’m agreeing to this anyway.’
‘Not because you are pathetically in love with one Lily Evans?’ Marlene teased.
‘Mckinonn!’
. . . .
‘What do you mean she hasn’t talked to you since?’
It was a Sunday morning, and Dorcas was sitting with Evan down by the lake. Pandora was busy at her knitting club (or maybe it was a crocheting club, they could never understand the difference), Regulus was somewhere with James (when was he not?) and Barty was…actually she had no idea where Barty was. Didn’t care to be honest, they were a little preoccupied at the moment really.
Evan was the only one she had told about the “Marlene fiasco” as he had named it. Mostly because while Pandora was lovely and easy to talk to, she was a little loud in her reactions and had difficulty keeping a secret. Regulus had his own (James related and/or Sirius related) problems and Barty..well he was Barty.
‘Exactly what I said Evan, I don’t know what I did wrong. Should I have talked to her as I left, should I have arranged to meet her. I’ve tried to seek her out but I think that she’s avoiding me.’
‘No this isn’t your fault…well maybe you should have talked to her in the morning but–’
‘I had a Transfiguration and I was already 10 minutes late Evan.’ Dorcas interrupted, full of indignance.
‘Fuck Transfiguration! You’ve got that every week, it’s not every day when you hook up with Marlene Mckinnon.’
‘Shit I should have just skipped shouldn’t I?’
‘Yes!’
Dorcas sighed and slumped down into Evans lap, his hands automatically going to her hair, which for some reason he seemed to enjoy playing with, twirling her braids into what they were sure was an atrocious messy bun. She loved him for it anyway.
‘It’s going to be fine Cas, you’ll sort it out. There’s no way that she’s not madly in love with you, any sane person would be.’
‘Would you?’
Evan wrinkled his nose, obviously trying not to imagine the scenario. ‘Sure Dorcas, but I’ve got my own little problem don’t I?’
‘What Barty? I would say he’s more of a big problem, and I don’t mean that at all sexually.’
‘It did sound a bit sexual.’
‘Shut it.’
She wasn’t sure how long they lay there in silence. Between them it was always comfortable. The lake beside them was calm, its water lapping gently along the shore, slowly lulling her into a sense of serenity.
‘Oh shit.’ Evan broke the peaceful silence that they had been mulling in, and scrambled out from beneath them, his hand removed quickly from her hair.
‘What? What is it, what’s going on?’ She panicked, had seen something, was someone hurt, why had he suddenly moved away from her like they were contagious or something?
‘Mckinnon approaching, I repeat, Mckinnon approaching.’
‘Fuck, fuck fuck fuck.’
She spun around, desperately aiming to spot Marlene before she closed in on them, locking eyes with her in the process. She was about 20 metres away, marching over from the castle with such determination and purpose that Dorcas almost backed up out of instinct. She was beautiful, as always, the slight breeze blowing her hair all out in different directions, the sun illuminating her face. She looked inhumane, more godly really. Honestly if she was marching over here to tell Dorcas that she was in fact, a goddess in disguise, they wouldn’t even be surprised.
This had not been on her cards today, really they’d thought that Marlene would never speak to them again. And yet here they were.
‘Hi’
. . . .
It had taken Marlene the entire week to actually pluck up enough courage to even talk to Dorcas. She has tried, on several occasions, to do so earlier in the week, but to no avail. The issue was that every time she saw her she just..froze. Dorcas always looked perfectly stunning but it was as if this week their beauty had tripled, and Marlene had trouble enough talking to her when she looked a normal level of devastatingly gorgeous..but now- she had no chance whatsoever.
Unfortunately, she had made a deal with Mary, and she really wanted her two best friends to date already (and be happy but whatever), so here she was.
As she got closer and closer to Dorcas, it only got harder to remember what she was going to say. Sat as they were, in the long grass by the lake, braided hair twisted into an artful bun- a chain of wild hyacinths threaded through it and adorned in a plethora of golden chains, she looked like nature's maiden. Goddess of the earth herself. Then of course, she stood up, and turned towards Marlene’s approach, and her knees nearly trembled at the sight. They were draped in a long lilac skirt, with a matching top- cropped to expose the belly button piercing that Marlene knew to be there- and a grey shawl was hung over her shoulders. It took every ounce of courage and determination to keep Marlene moving, to stop her from simply falling to her knees and begging for one chance.
She kept walking.
‘Hi.’
‘Hi.’ The other girl seemed to sigh the word, simultaneously relieved to see her and stricken by her presence.
‘I er- I wanted to talk to you.’
‘Right…right okay, let me just-’ Dorcas spun around, obviously intending to say goodbye to Rosier, who had not so subtly left as soon as Marlene had arrived- not that they seemed to notice. ‘Oh.’
Marlene laughed in spite of herself, only to cut off immediately when she noticed the look Dorcas was giving her.
‘I um, wanted to explain,’ they nodded, urging her to continue, ‘I was going to talk to you, the morning after the party, but then you had to leave so quickly so I assumed I would just be able to do it at lunch. Except, well at breakfast I got a letter from home and I– I..’
‘You don’t have to tell me Marlene, it’s none of my business.’
‘But I do,’ and she did, she didn’t know how else she could truly explain with the hope of them forgiving her, ‘I do, and I want it to be your business.’
Dorcas looked at her with wide eyes, seemingly taken aback by her confession.
Taking a deep breath, Marlene continued, ‘My uh, my parents are splitting up.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah, um and well I got the letter and kind of- this is embarrassing really- but I was so shocked that I put my foot through one of the missing stairs and landed myself in the hospital wing.’
‘Fuck.’
‘Pretty much. And since then, I’ve been trying to talk to you, I really have, I just—’
‘It’s ok Marlene, you don’t have to explain,’ Dorcas interrupted, stepping forward and grabbing Marlene’s hand in hers, almost instantaneously tripling her heart rate, ‘I’m really sorry that you’ve had to deal with that, it’s not easy having your parents separate, and I get that you probably don’t want to talk about it, but if you ever do, I want you to know that I’m here. I really hope that you haven’t stressed out about talking to me, I totally get if you don’t want anything to do with me, you don’t have to explain at all.’
Marlene couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her not want anything to do with Dorcas Meadowes. The idea was downright ridiculous. Then it hit here, it almost sounded as if….well as if Dorcas wanted something with her. Which honestly was just as ridiculous as the notion that Marlene wouldn’t want her back.
‘No, no, no that’s not at all what I’m saying.’
‘No?’ Dorcas repeated grinning.
‘Um..’ Marlene blushed, realising that she had perhaps gone a bit overboard in her reassurance and was probably coming on way to hard. ‘No.’
‘Look Dorcas, I really, really like you- a stupid, embarrassing amount- and I understand if you don’t like me that way, but I really want to be something with you. If..if you wanted that.’
Dorcas smiled, a true, proper smile, and suddenly Marlene felt as if she had hope after all.
‘I do, want that that is.’
‘You do?’ Marlene was smiling so hard it hurt, and she didn’t care to stop. This was the best moment of her life, even better than the kiss at the party, and even better than the night afterwards because it was real. It was real and it was meaningful and so full of emotion that she knew it would never be forgotten. It breathed life into her where she didn’t know it was missing.
‘I really do. Marlene, would you..would you like to go to hogsmeade with me after Easter.’
‘Oh gods I’d love to,’ she rushed out, before realising how desperate she sounded, honestly though, she could barely even bring herself to care, ‘I mean, um that would be great.’
‘Actually I’m staying here for Easter so if you are too, we could always do something.’
Wincing, Marlene shook her head. As much as she would have loved to do so, she couldn’t leave her mum alone. It wouldn’t be fair on her.
‘I can’t.’ Dorcas’ smile dropped ever so slightly and Marlene hurried to clarify- ‘I have to uh, I have to see my mum because of, you know everything.’
‘Oh merlin I forgot I’m so sorry, I-‘
‘No,no it’s fine, I just can’t leave her. I honestly really don’t want to go home at all, I just don’t really feel that I have a choice.’
‘Do..okay this is going to sound crazy but..do you want me to come with you?’
What.
What.
Dorcas was offering to go with Marlene, a girl she had never even gone on a date with- never really had a proper conversation with, to a home that no longer was one. What? Because she said that she didn’t really want to. Did they care that much? God she hoped they did. Or was it just out of pity and did she not truly mean it?
‘You- you are offering to come home with me? But..but you don’t even know me.’
‘I know you Marlene. I know how much you care for everyone and everything around you. I know how you protect your friends from everything you can. I know how hard you work to build up a harsh and indifferent persona to stop yourself from being hurt. I know that you already have been,’ Dorcas spoke with such conviction and surety that Marlene almost fell to the ground, as it was her hands were shaking, and yet they kept going. ‘I know how you love to plait other people’s hair, but never let others do yours- and how it's the exact opposite for your nails. I know how you secretly love to read, but would never tell anyone because you don’t want them to think you’re not cool. I know that you pretend that you don’t care what others think but really it matters to you more than it should. I know that you love quidditch but would never want to do it professionally because you think it would take away all your love for it and make it into a chore. I know that you don’t know what you want to do, and that scares you. Most of all, I know that I don’t know everything about you, but I also know that I want that more than anything.’
‘And I know…..I know that it would take absolutely nothing at all to make me fall in love with you.’
It was too much. Marlene could scarcely breathe in her desperation to take it all in. To consume everything that Dorcas was declaring to her. It was all she had ever wanted, and all she thought that she would never get. It was beauty in a bottle, perfection to the highest degree. She’d opened her Pandora’s box, not to find all the world's horrors within, but the one thing left behind.
Hope.
Hope and joy and love. Because oh, she knew that she could fall in love within a heartbeat too. She might have already done so.
‘Marlene…say something please.’
She swallowed, tears forming in her eyes as she made a declaration of her own. ‘I would love for you to come home with me during the holidays. And I would love to see you everyday beyond that. Really, I would love to see you everyday for the rest of my life. If you were the only person I could see, then I would be the happiest woman alive.’
Dorcas laughed wetly, ‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I do. Well..maybe not the last bit- I don’t think I could live without Lily, or Sirius, or James, or Mary, or….fuck, Mary!’
‘Ummm,’ Dorcas lifted her eyebrows in confusion at her sudden outburst, ‘Everything okay love?’
Love.
Fuck, she did not have the mental capacity to deal with that right now- she would just have to think about it for the rest of the day, after she had sorted this out.
‘You asked me out didn’t you?’
‘Yeah why, you having second thoughts?’ They asked, not looking the slightest bit worried, (I mean why would she, they were Dorcas Meadowes for fucks sake).
‘No of course not, I just- well I sort of made a deal with Mary that relied on me asking you out, not the other way round. And I really need her to go through with it. Do you..do you mind not telling anyone that you asked me out. You can tell your friends of course, but just if any of mine ask you, can you tell them that it was me, not you?’
She smiled, ‘Anything you want darling.’
Oh that one. Darling. Just this morning, she would have panicked at the sound, thrown by the name her mother called her, just before breaking her heart. But from Dorcas, from Dorcas it was a harmonious sound. Musical really. Similar to the songs of birds, made from their treetop outposts. It was glorious.