Chapter 17
“I love you,” Steve says, looking everywhere but at Bucky. “You know that. I’ve loved you since the first time you dragged me out of the alley.”
Bucky smiles despite the pain in his chest. “Weren't we six?”
“Probably.” Steve smiles too, before his face falls again. “But Sam is…”
“Everything,” Bucky finishes for him.
“I love him,” Steve says, almost pleading for Bucky to understand. “I think a part of me loved Sam since the first time I saw him.”
Bucky closes his eyes. “Save that for him, Stevie. That may be the only way we get him back.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to say anything. I should probably apologize and head back to New York anyway.” Steve’s still by the island in the kitchen, and he pulls out his phone as if to search for flights.
“Why Steve?”
“Because,” Steve grits out. “Sam only has eyes for you. I don’t want to get between that anymore than I already have.”
“I don’t get how you two are so dense. You follow after Sam with this lovesick grin on your face, sneaking glances at his ass when he’s not looking.” Bucky runs a hand through his hair. “And Sam? He looks at you with stars in his eyes.”
Hesitation gone, Steve joins him on the sofa. His cheeks are tinted red, but there’s excitement in his eyes. “Really, Buck?”
“Yeah, Steve.” Before he can rethink the decision, Bucky wraps Steve’s hand in his. “But how the hell are we gonna fix this? I wish there was a solution.”
Steve eyes their joined hands and sighs happily. Bucky knows what he’s thinking. They never could’ve had this before. It’s surreal. “There might be one, actually.”
“What?” Bucky asks.
“We could all be together,” Steve begins. “I love you and you love me and we both love Sam. Sam loves you, and you think Sam might love me too?”
Bucky nods. This is crazy. This is - so far removed from any reality Bucky could’ve ever imagined. “Do you think Sam would want that?”
Steve shrugs. “It’s worth a try.”
“I’ve gotta go after him.” Bucky jumps up from the sofa in search of his shoes. Initially, he’d wanted to give Sam space. But now? If there was even a small chance of a solution, then Sam needed to hear it.
“You coming?”
Steve hesitates, but declines. “No. I think...I think this is a conversation the two of you need to have first. I’ll be here. For when you get back.”
If, the traitorous voice in Bucky’s head says. Because if Sam didn’t want him anymore, Bucky couldn’t come back here.
The weight of his anxiety sits in Bucky’s stomach like a ton of bricks, and Bucky can’t remember feeling fear so viscerally since he lay dying in the snow more than half a century ago.
“See ya, Steve,” Bucky says, and hopes that this isn’t the last time he stands in Sam’s foyer.
*
Sam runs until his legs feel like they’re going to give out. The first pinks and oranges of sunset are just starting to appear in the sky when he finally collapses in the grass and Sam thinks it’s a good time to take a break.
At some point during his run, Sam began to cry again. Only now does he brush away the stray tears, begging himself not to cry again.
“Hey mom,” he says into the phone, once he finally decides to call.
“Sam? What’s wrong baby?”
He starts to laugh. “What do you mean, what’s wrong?”
“You never call me!”
“Mom, come on. I talked to you last week.”
“I called you, Samuel. You didn’t call me. Now are you gonna tell me what’s going on or am I going to have to make a trip to D.C.?”
Sam sighs. “I - I can’t really get into it in detail.”
“Avengers stuff?” she says. A hint of disapproval sneaks into her tone and Sam rolls his eyes. Darlene doesn’t exactly approve of his participation in the Avengers. He understands why, abstractly, but truthfully she shouldn't be surprised. Sam has spent his whole life trying to do his part, from book drives and volunteering when he was a kid, to fighting for his country. Working with Avengers to protect the world wasn’t something he’d been expecting to do, but it wasn’t an unnatural next step.
“Yep.” Sam’s telling a half truth. He hates lying to his mom and he immediately feels guilty. He wants to tell her the truth but he doesn’t want to get into the truth about Bucky, when the public doesn’t even know it.
She sighs. “Alright, Sam. Regardless of the situation, I have the same advice for you that I always do. Go after what you want. Put yourself first. It’s ok to think only of yourself sometimes. You’ve been self sacrificing your whole life. Returning your Christmas gift the year your dad died so we could put the money toward that Barbie Dreamhouse your sister wanted.” Darlene’s sniffles a bit through the phone, and Sam smiles, filled with nostalgia. That story always gets his mom emotional.
“You’ve always been my good boy, Sam. But you can still be my sweet boy and go after whatever makes you happy.”
“What if other people’s happiness makes me happy?” Sam jokes.
“Then you’re better than this world. I’ve always known it.” Sam can feel his mom smiling into the phone.
“Thanks mom,” Sam says honestly. “I think that was something I needed to hear.”
They talk absently for a bit longer before Darlene hangs up and leaves Sam alone with his thoughts.
His mom’s right. Fighting for Bucky and Steve was what he should’ve done. They’re what he wanted - wants. Yes, they hurt them. It still hurts.
But Sam can imagine a different reality where Steve can kiss Bucky, before turning around to kiss Sam while Bucky holds him from behind. It was a ridiculous fantasy, but an attractive one.
He laughs before flopping back onto the soft grass. Sam shuts his eyes, and tries to clear his mind of dark thoughts and wishful fantasy. He’s almost there when he hears someone approaching.
Sam blinks open his eyes and finds himself looking into Bucky’s.
“Hey,” Bucky says. “Can I sit?”
“Yeah.” Bucky looks more distraught then Sam has seen him in quite a while. But there’s a fire in his eyes that Sam hopes nothing will burn out.
He sits, legs crossed gracefully under him, before pulling out a bottle of water and a snack from the baggy gray hoodie he likes to wear on lazier days.
“Here,” Bucky says simply, but continues when Sam looks at him quizzically. “You haven’t eaten all day, Sam.”
Sam drinks from the bottle gratefully, and eyes the snack in his hand. “You brought me a PopTart.”
Bucky smiles softly. “Yeah, so?”
“They’re your favorite.”
He laughs. “Sam, you’re my favorite.”
Sam blushes, and Bucky wants to kiss away the bit of color visible in his pretty brown skin. But Bucky remembers how Sam reacted earlier, and sits on his hands to keep them still.
This is the worst feeling in the world.
“I love you too Buck,” Sam whispers, eyeing the shiny foil package in his hands. “But that doesn’t mean I have to be with you.”
“If you don’t want to be,” Bucky says carefully. “I understand. I hurt you and...I know I’m a hard person to love.”
Sam snorts. “Is that what you think? Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
Bucky looks down at his hands. “But I hurt you.”
“You did,” Sam says.
“It’s not ok.”
“No,” Sam sighs. “If you wanted him, you should’ve told me,” he says flatly. Sam wants Bucky more than anything. He wants Steve, too. His ma said go after what he wants. But what if they don’t want him?
“I didn’t know,” Bucky insists. “I told you a long time ago that I loved Steve back in the day. I thought about him a lot when I was on the road. But when I met you, you were all I could see.”
“But you kissed him.”
“I did. But I didn’t realize that I might - I mean that I do have feelings for him until I saw the way he looks at you,” Bucky explains.
Sam eyes him quizzically. “What do you mean?”
“Steve loves you, Sam,” Bucky says. “And I don’t want to say too much because I want Steve to be the one to tell you. I know how you feel about Steve. You’re a better man than me for not acting on it.”
Sam shifts where he sits, finally turning to face Bucky all the way. “How’d you know?”
Bucky smiles. “You get this look on your face when you’re talking about Stevie. I recognized that look on myself in the mirror.”
“I’m still mad at you,” Sam says.
Bucky doesn’t meet his eyes. “You should be.”
“But…” Sam begins.
“But?”
Sam takes one look at Bucky’s hopeful puppy eyes and starts laughing. He cracks up so hard he starts choking, and accepts the offered water bottle from Bucky. “Sorry,” he apologizes before giggling again. “It’s been...a day. I needed that.”
Bucky cracks a smile despite knowing he’s the cause for some of Sam’s pain. He hates it.
“Buck, I need you,” Sam says plainly. “I know you think you’re the one who needs me and that I’m just...tolerating you. But that’s far from the truth. I don’t want to go back to a life without you.”
“I don’t know if I can live without you,” Bucky shakes his head. “Being alive isn’t living. You taught me that.”
“I love you. And I’m old enough now not to let mistakes get in the way of that.”
Bucky looks hopeful, and offers a hand for Sam to grab. “You know I love you.”
Sam takes it.
He squeaks in surprise when Bucky lifts him into the air, tossing him over his shoulder like he weighs nothing. “What are you doing, Buck?”
“Carrying you,” Bucky answers, beginning the walk toward home.
“Why?” Sam wiggles in his grasp.
“You’ve been running all day, and you won’t eat your snack,” Bucky explains.
Sam wrinkles his nose at the PopTart he’s still grasping. “Not a fan of the sugar.”
Bucky stops. “You ate one yesterday?”
“That was to annoy you,” Sam snorts.
Bucky shakes his head in disbelief but keeps walking. “Don’t make me drop your ass.”
*
Bucky finally does put him down, but not until they reach his porch.
“Can I kiss you?” Bucky asks quietly just as Sam’s about to open the door. “It’s stupid but...I missed you a lot.”
“Not stupid,” Sam says, before stepping closer to Bucky and pressing a quick kiss to his lips.
Sam pulls away and opens the door to find Steve standing in front of the stove. He turns around when he hears the door, breathing a sigh of relief when he sees both Bucky and Sam.
“Hey,” Sam says lightly. “Opening a cupcake shop?”
The kitchen is an absolute mess. There’s at least three dozen cupcakes on the counter and what looks like a cake in the oven.
“Sorry,” Steve says sheepishly. “I stress bake.”
Sam plucks a freshly iced cupcake off of the counter, moaning appreciatively at the taste. “Maybe you should stay stressed.”
“What happened to not liking sugar, Sam?” Bucky asks.
“There’s a huge difference between PopTarts and freshly baked cupcakes, you heathen. Thanks, Steve.”
Bucky eyes Steve disapprovingly. “He hasn’t eaten all day. Why didn’t you make him some real food?”
“You think too little of me, Buck. The lasagna I made earlier is warming up,” Steve says.
“Not true,” Bucky replies honestly. “I think the world of you, Steve. You know that.”
Steve looks between Sam and Bucky. “So you guys are...okay?”
Bucky looks to Sam, who hesitates only briefly before nodding. “Yeah,” Bucky answers. “It’s your turn.”
Steve pulls three plates down from the cabinet for when the lasagnas warm, and turns to face Sam. “Hey, Sam.”
“Hey, Steve,” Sam says
“I’m sorry,” Steve blurts. “I...we...I really fucked up.”
Bucky whistles at the same time Sam says “Language, Captain.”
Steve rolls his eyes, but continues. “I messed up because - I’ve loved you for so long, Sam. I think a part of me has loved you since I first spoke to you. There was just something about you - still is - that I can’t get enough of. You were the first person after the ice to understand me, to see past the uniform and actually see me. I fell harder when you took me and Nat in, when I saw you fly for the first time. By the time you agreed to come find Bucky, I knew for sure,” Steve explains.
“Then why didn’t you ever say anything?” Sam asks, reaching across the island to hold Steve’s hand.
Steve’s cheeks flush, but he squeezes Sam’s hand tightly. “It’s...stupid.”
“Not to me,” Sam says.
Steve doesn't meet Sam’s eyes. “Everyone I’ve ever loved has died or been taken away from me. My mom died. Bucky died. I died before I could be with Peggy. I convinced myself that maybe I wasn’t meant for love? That God decided that love wasn’t my purpose. Maybe I didn’t deserve it.”
Sam’s heart hurts. “What’s different now?” he asks curiously.
“You,” Steve says simply. “Around you, I want to be selfish.”
“And around Buck?”
Steve smiles as he eyes Bucky who watches the two of them with a unreadable mix of emotions. “Always.”
“I love you too, Steve. I can’t pinpoint when it happened. Somewhere between finding your body beside the Potomac and the beginning of our road trip. But I do, Steve.”
Steve looks like he’s just won the lottery. “Really? I...can i kiss you, Sam?”
“Maybe,” Sam decides. “After you feed me dinner. I’m starving.”
He nods seriously and begins making Sam a big plate of lasagna. Sam can see Bucky smirking out of the corner of his eye, and makes sure to correct that quickly.
“No kisses for you either,” Sam says mock sternly, hiding his smile.
Bucky pouts, but goes to the fridge to grab Sam a couple bottles of water and puts them on the coffee table in the living room. Apparently, it’s an eat and watch TV type of night. Sam can’t say he minds.
He goes and plops down in the middle of the sofa, Steve and Bucky coming over with plates of food. Steve settles in on his left and Bucky on his right. Their bodies keep him hostage, he’s right where he wants to be. Bucky passes him the remote and Sam selects a rerun of The Office, something light to laugh away the remaining stress of the day.
The foods amazing(it’s one of the foods Steve has mastered) and Sam’s got to have one more cupcake. He laughing at something on the show when he turns to see Steve staring at him, his face completely open.
Happiness, naked desire. And love so bright that Sam can’t do anything but lean over and kiss the frosting off of his lips. Steve gasps into the kiss like he can’t quite believe it, pulling Sam’s body closer. He nips at Steve’s bottom lip, and shivers when their tongues meet. Steve’s kiss is bruising, pressing into Sam’s body. But once Sam puts a hand on the back of his neck, Steve goes pliant, moaning softly and letting Sam lick into his mouth.
Sam only pulls away when he feels another set of hands on him. Bucky. He turns his head to meet Bucky’s insistent lips. Steve’s hands never leave his hips, and god, can Sam get used to this. He pulls away from Bucky with a laugh, needing to breathe. His detangles himself from them, before settling back in the middle, gearing up for a night of cuddling.
Steve presses a kiss to his cheek before Bucky does the same. Bucky pulls at Steve’s shirt, and they kiss gently right in front of his eyes. Hot desire sparks through him, but Sam keeps it at bay, dropping his head on Bucky’s shoulder, and tucking his feet under Steve’s thighs.
He’s home.