If someone told her four years ago she would take an active interest in the personal life of Tony Stark she would have laughed in their face. Tony was arrogant, narcissistic, reckless, sloppy, and a half a dozen other things she despised in a person. But oh, his melodrama was just too much to pass up on and she and Clint have been growing apart lately. They needed some bonding and fucking with Bucky and Tony was the perfect way to do it.
They’re spies, master assassins; screwing with two guys who already hated each other and looked for any excuse to tear each other down was easy enough. “Look, all we gotta do is bring up Tony being ace and watch them go, I’ll make the popcorn,” Clint says, grinning. She casually slips into the living room where Tony and Bucky were already perched, glaring at each other while Toddlers in Tiaras played in the background. The show was trash, Natasha knew, but they were all so addicted and those little dresses were adorable. Natasha rarely got to wear pretty things like that anymore because everyone knew what her damn face looked like so she wasn’t much used for spy missions unless they were of the utmost importance. She missed the pretty dresses and neck snapping and now, sadly, like the mothers on the show she lived vicariously through a bunch of five year olds.
Clint did too so she felt slightly less bad about it.
Bucky and Tony are eyeing each other; waiting for the other to speak because they learned their lesson last time and neither one was willing to take the risk of pissing Steve off. It helped that he had been pretty hurt on their last mission so they were both on their best behavior lest they interrupt Steve’s already finished healing process. It was amusing to watch the two tiptoe.
Clint returns, wielding popcorn and a grin as he flops down on the chair, almost on top of her, and Tony gives them suspicious looks. Bucky ignores them and that was probably wise, but Tony just couldn’t let things go because he was far too curious for his own good. She was going to use that to her advantage.
“What are you two up to?” he asks, “and why do you have popcorn?”
“Nothin,” Clint says innocently, “we just wanted popcorn and last I checked the living room was a free area.”
“Until Stark decided to defile it,” Bucky mumbles.
“Oh my god, it was a blowjob, Barnes, get over it. Also if you think your chair is safe from my sexcapades it isn’t, nothing in this penthouse is safe so get your sexually repressed ass out,” Tony says, dramatically waving a hand around. Clint and Natasha watch in glee and start eating the popcorn as the two start to bicker.
“I am not sexually repressed, asshole, I just don’t care for walking in on my best friend getting a blowjob, I’m pretty sure that’s normal. Fuck you,” Bucky says, glaring at Tony.
“This is my penthouse, I’ll suck dick if I want to! You were the one that took the risk of walking in on it, that isn’t my fault. You’ve heard the stories, everyone has heard the stories, at this point most people have lived the stories. Ask Pepper, she’s seen a lot, or Natasha when she was playing Pepper’s secretary, I still haven’t forgiven you for that by the way,” Tony says to her before turning back to stare Bucky down.
She and Clint ignore that and continue eating their snack, hoping their entertainment got better. “The least you could do is have your creepy AI warn people, it isn’t as if it isn’t smart enough,” Bucky says.
Tony presses his hand to his heart and gasps loudly, “excuse you! JARVIS is not creepy!” he says dramatically, “and I don’t feel the need to warn people who have come into my space about my sexual activities. How about call or text before you show up and whine about your retinas being scarred for a week,” Tony says.
Bucky looks at the ground, “he didn’t answer his phone and I panicked,” he says and Tony makes a face.
“Great, now it isn’t even really your fault you scarred yourself for life, that’s just fucking pleasant. Well the good news is that I’m not so good at dick sucking that I can suck the life force straight out of Steve’s body. Not gunna lie though, that’d be kind of cool,” he says, trailing off as he thought out the possibilities. “I could defeat our enemies with sex, Loki would have been so much more fun to deal with,” he says gleefully.
“You are disgusting,” Bucky says, looking as freaked out as Natasha and Clint felt.
“What the fuck?” Clint mumbles, “never needed to know about that sexual fantasy, Stark,” he says a little louder.
“How the fuck does an asexual even have sexual fantasies, you make no sense,” Bucky snaps.
“Fuck you, Barnes; I have explained to you like five thousand times that not feeling sexual attraction doesn’t mean you don’t like sex for fuck sakes. I’m a creative person, okay, I like to think up scenarios, the fact that Loki has starred in a few is no big deal,” he says casually, as if Loki didn’t try to kill the human race.
“Didn’t he try and start a genocide?” Bucky asks.
“It was one time and let’s be real here, humans suck, I mean I don’t think we should all die but from an outside perspective we can’t even handle that we come in colors other than white. Can you imagine what we looked like to Loki? Like wow, this species is so stupid they can’t even handle certain members of their own species for extremely arbitrary reasons. Like you not being able to handle asexuality,” Tony says cheerfully, smiling in a way that could only be interpreted as condescending.
“That’s because you make no sense! If you were really asexual you wouldn’t have sex fantasies,” Bucky says and Tony makes the most dramatic face Natasha has ever witnessed.
“Oh, well if you were really bisexual you’d date people of both genders at the same time otherwise you either become gay or straight because you can’t possibly still enjoy one gender if you’re with another,” Tony says.
“That isn’t even close to the same!” Bucky says, irritated.
“It is so! I have explained to you several times that asexuality has nothing to do with the actual act of sex; it has to do with attraction. So if you happen to be dating a lady the attraction you have to guys doesn’t go away, except with asexuality not feeling sexual attraction it doesn’t mean my libido stops existing. I still have a libido and a sex life, no thanks to you and Rhodey nearly killing it. And it doesn’t mean I don’t think up ways to satisfy myself so shove your ignorance up your admittedly well-shaped ass,” Tony says, flipping Bucky off.
Bucky twists to look at his butt and frowns, “you’ve looked at my ass?” he asks.
“Duh. I do watch you and Steve work out, I’m allowed to window shop,” Tony says flippantly. Bucky looks offended at this admission, which only serves to make this all the better for her and Clint.
“You are not allowed to do that!” Bucky says angrily.
“I’ll do what I want, and don’t think I haven’t had lengthy discussions about your ass with Steve, I have, and I am so tempted to start using irritating bisexual stereotypes on you and ask for a threesome. But I don’t, because I’m not a savage and I have self-control,” Tony says. Natasha snorts because he does not have self-control, she has years of proof for that. She and Clint lean forward with their popcorn though, eager to see where this was going.
“You… you and Steve talk about my ass?” Bucky asks, looking appropriately weirded out by that.
“We aren’t blind, you have a nice ass, we talk about it. And Nat’s ass, you have a great ass,” he tells her.
“Thanks!” she says, grinning. Clint gives her a look but she shrugs, she knew a compliment when she saw one and she’s been working with Tony and Steve plenty long enough that they wouldn’t get weird with her.
“That’s weird,” Bucky says, “why is that even relevant information to the two of you?”
Tony grins, “oh, you haven’t heard Bruce’s stories have you?” he says. Natasha and Clint exchange a look because they hadn’t heard Bruce’s stories either, as far as they knew Bruce had escaped Tony’s sexcapades eye-damage free.
“Well go on, I’m curious now,” Natasha says, scooping up a handful of popcorn and shoving it in her mouth.
“Nothing poor Pep hasn’t already seen,” Tony says, “but Bruce has far worse luck because pretty much every time Steve and I bring someone home he ends up walking in halfway through. You should ask Sharon about it on your next date,” Tony says cheerily, grinning at Bucky.
Bucky takes a step forward, probably with the intent to murder the shit out of Tony, but Steve turns up then to ruin the fun. “Bucky, what are you doing? And Tony, wipe that shit-eating smirk off your face and explain yourself,” he says, crossing his arms and giving the two his Righteous Look of Doom.
“I didn’t do anything!” Bucky and Tony say at once, glaring at the other when they realize this.
“Bucky said I wasn’t really asexual,” Tony blurts.
“Tony has weird sex fantasies about Loki!” Bucky says, giving Tony an irritated look for ratting him out. Tony looks just as offended with this turn of events.
“Bucky, apologize, and Tony. What?” Steve asks, frowning at him.
“It was one time! Barnes didn’t need to open his fat trap,” Tony says and Bucky takes another step forward. Tony yelps and jumps away, half hiding behind Natasha and Clint’s current perch on the chair.
“We’ll discuss that later,” Steve says, “apologize, Bucky.”
“I am not apologizing, he’s being purposefully antagonistic and you’re taking his side!” Bucky says, offended.
“He’s just mad because I told him about Sharon,” Tony says and takes another side step so he was fully behind the chair now.
“You apologize too; there was no need to bring that up!” Steve says and Tony shrinks a little under Steve’s glare but he doesn’t give in.
“I am not apologizing for something that happened like two years ago, that’s stupid. Besides, Bucky called me disgusting, I think I should get two apologies,” he says, smirking at Bucky.
“Fuck you, you should just be glad I haven’t murdered you in your sleep, I’ve thought about it,” Bucky says.
“Enough,” Steve says, “the two of you are going to get along so help me god. Sit your asses down we are going to talk about this like a couple of logical human beings.”
“You’re going to need god’s help if you think that we’re ever going to get along,” Tony says, “I have to update the suit, and Rhodey’s suit needs updating, also I should polish your shield. And paperwork, at this point I’d rather do paperwork than this,” Tony says and he goes to make a run for it but Steve is faster.
“On. The. Couch,” he says. Natasha can see Tony calculating the probability that he could escape but he must decide that he doesn’t stand a chance because he slinks over to the couch and throws himself down dramatically. Bucky rolls his eyes and Steve glares at him for his efforts, gesturing for him to sit down too.
“Which one of you started this?” he asks.
“Tony,” Bucky says automatically.
“Did not. Natasha and Clint started it, I’m not sure why, or even how, but they’re the ones that are responsible for Bucky’s savagery,” he says.
“Both of you apologize to each other,” Steve says, “and you two. What is the meaning of this?” he asks.
Natasha and Clint hold up their hands in pseudo innocence, “we didn’t do nothin,” Clint says.
Steve waits for a moment before deciding that Bucky and Tony kissing each other’s asses was more important, “I haven’t heard apologizes,” he says. Tony and Bucky look anywhere but at each other or Steve and mumble halfhearted apologies that neither of them meant.
“Great,” Clint says, interrupting before Steve could call them on their shit, “can I get a dog?” he asks.
“The only way you can get a dog is if it is actually a cat,” Tony says, “I don’t like dog hair on my stuff.”
“Okay but what if I already have a dog, his name is Lucky and he’s homeless,” Clint says.
“Then he isn’t very lucky,” Tony mumbles.
“You can keep the dog, Clint,” Steve says and Clint throws his hands up in victory, throwing the remaining popcorn everywhere.
“Thanks, dad!” he says and Steve makes a face.
“Oh no, if we are the Avengers parents I am not the mom. Let’s be real, Steve is far more in tune with his emotions, way more empathetic, he’s always lecturing us, he’s the mom. I am emotionally distant and a bit clumsy but I mean well, so if we’re basing this off T.V archetypes I’m the dad. Get the dog to a shelter and exchange it for cat,” Tony says.
“He’s keeping the dog Tony; you didn’t even know it was here so it isn’t bothering you. If you want a cat that badly we can go get one tomorrow. Now apologize to Bucky like you mean it, yeah, I didn’t forget about that with Clint’s asking to keep his cute homeless dog that only has one eye. Go on, apologize,” he says, crossing his arms.
Tony glares at the floor, “I’m sorry and I hope you don’t die on our next mission because I don’t want to pay for your funeral. But if you did die I would because it would make Steve like a half a percent less sad,” he mumbles.
“Tony Stark that is not a real apology,” Steve says, tapping his foot. Tony whines and refuses to apologize again so Steve moves on to Bucky.
“I’m marginally happy that I didn’t actually shoot you in the head that one time because I want to see what cat you get so I can get it to love me more and rub that in your face,” Bucky says.
“For fuck sakes you two, Natasha, plan B,” he says.
*
Natasha and Clint squeal gleefully, Lucky happily wiggling at their sides, as they examine Steve’s plan B to get Bucky and Tony to get along. “Our Instagram followers are going to love this!” Clint says happily, snapping pictures of the two glaring at them grumpily.
They were currently stuffed into a too-small shirt that barely fit over their bodies with the words ‘get along shirt’ written across the front. To make matters even more hilarious they were trying desperately not to touch each other and failing miserably.
Steve grins at the two of them, “and to think that all you had to do was apologize like you meant it,” he says, petting the pretty white cat he had gone to pick up at the shelter that morning. Tony wasn’t allowed to pet it until he and Bucky made up.
“I’m going to do my damndest to smother you,” Bucky says to Tony.
“Good, then you’ll have to drag my corpse around and I hope that is so inconvenient,” he says back.
“You two are in that until you come to an agreement,” Steve says casually, “so I suggest you don’t smother each other. Oh, and Bucky, I rescheduled that date with Sharon to tonight so I suggest you come to an agreement quickly or you’re taking Tony with you.” The two look horrified at this possibility and Steve smiles wider, knowing he won this battle.