Roman / Reader - Part 3
"I moved my things to your place" Roman said after the silence had become unbearable. You stared at your reflection and mouthed the words without a sound a couple of times before covering your mouth with your hand. You shifted your gaze from the mirror to the door that was just slightly ajar and then closed it completely. You locked it, took a step backwards, closed the lid of the toilet seat and sat down to think. "What the hell?" you whispered to yourself and tried to focus on your breathing just so you wouldn't either start hyperventilating or pass out completely. Passing out was no option now since you had locked the door to make sure that you could process this situation in private. The shit had just gotten real and you didn't need Roman breathing down on your neck.
- You did… what? you asked cautiously after gathering your thoughts and catching your breath.
- I moved in like we planned and agreed weeks ago. Roman stated, got up from the chair and walked to the bathroom door. You couldn't hear small nuances of his voice due to the barrier between you and him but it was easy to tell that he was talking confidently and just stating how it was. You heard his footsteps getting closer and then stopping. "We had scheduled a moving truck for Monday so…" he explained and added "...I went ahead with it. As agreed." The last part was firm like stating a universally known fact.
- Scheduled a moving truck... you mumbled with a barely audible tone. "....For this Monday?" you asked with a louder tone and waited for a confirmation from Roman.
- Yep. Roman replied and continued by stating "So that's done and taken care of."
- Just like that. you commented.
- Just like that. he said, the door muffling his voice a little so you were unable to read his tone properly to gather information about his mood and attitude towards the subject. "I mean we had planned to do it, so I had no reason to cancel the truck" he stated with a tone that could have been used when talking about the weather, scheduling a casual lunch date or with small talk in general. However this matter was much more serious than just scheduling a date or discussing the weather forecast.
Roman's statement was so absurd that it made you burst into laughter; Roman talked about moving his stuff into your apartment and how he had already done it in such casual manner that you couldn't really believe he was actually being serious. You didn't dare to ask him if he was kidding because you didn't want to offend him and cause more disturbance in your relationship. Oh yeah, one thing was now certain though - you and Roman were in a relationship because there was no way that some random guy would just decide to move in with you and be so forthright and laid-back about it.
This whole 'moving in together' -thing didn't make much sense to you, but the option, that Roman was just making things up for some reason, made even less sense... so... in a way it was a relief that at least 'his boyfriend -status' had been confirmed in your mind. Surely you had had long discussions about it with Roman, well of course you had! No one made this kind of decision lightly. So, there probably had been arguments, plenty of compromising and finally you and Roman had arrived to a mutual conclusion that had included a plan and a schedule... and it was just bad luck and an unfortunate coincidence that you had been assaulted and as a result couldn't remember any of it - you only knew the end result... which was having Roman's things at your place now.
However, there was one aspect of this entire mess that troubled as well as amused you equally. Now, you see, you didn't know what kind of person you had grown up to be and you didn't know what kind hardships you had endured and overcome to get here. Therefore, you didn't want to judge yourself too much because you just didn't know the reasons behind your decisions. It was possible that your life, as it had been before the assault, was as good as it was going to get and if that was the case, you didn't have any proper reason to criticize the choices you had made during those lost seven years or to look down on the life you had now. For example, Roman probably had been Mister Right at some point even though he definitely wasn't it now.
It was strange how you felt young again, fresh from school and your mind filled with noble ideals that had been neither challenged nor tarnished by anything yet but at the same time you felt... old. Like you had had an old soul in a young, perhaps even naive and too idealistic mind, both of them trapped into an old body. Although you weren't exactly old... but you were seven years older than the person you were in your head according to you. Your identity was not in sync with your real self and that was causing conflicts almost constantly. The biggest conflict right now was the fact that you had agreed to move in together with Roman during a rough patch. It was basically the same thing than trying to fix a relationship with a baby... and you couldn't believe that your judgment had failed you completely in such serious matter that you had actually decided to go through with it.
Now, how you saw this was... you and Roman had been happy once, well, obviously because no one was insane enough to try to save a relationship that had never been good. So, you had gotten engaged and then, at some point during those eighteen months, things had started to go sideways. You didn't know why and you didn't know when but it was apparent that your relationship with Roman had suffered and perhaps nearly ended before the assault.
You were just making these assumptions based on Roman's attitude towards you and your lack of feelings towards him... and the whole thing with the rings and the engagement being called off. However, he had just stated that the moving truck had been scheduled beforehand and these plans had been made many weeks ago... again, taking into consideration that you had spent in a hospital for over a month now, of which three or four first weeks unconscious. Point being, the moving day had been scheduled ages ago and most likely for a good reason; perhaps this Monday had been the only day that had suited both of you - busy schedules and all that. It wasn't the issue that bothered you because it was only normal that important events like this one had to be planned in advance.
However, this so-called rough patch had not begun just recently and what bothered you about your actions, was that you had decided to fix things by moving in together... and it wasn't something that a smart, mature and a mentally stable person would do. It went against everything you stood for... or perhaps you just felt like it because of your incapability to remember what had happened during past seven years - hence the untarnished and uncompromised ideals and everything. Maybe what you and Roman had once shared had been so wonderful that it justified your absurd and foolish decisions, which might only feel absurd and foolish to you now because you lacked context. But still, nevertheless, you couldn't swallow it without chewing.
- Are we fucking idiots? you blurted almost instantly.
- What? Roman asked, sounding quite surprised and confused.
- Just tell me, is my current-self a fucking idiot? you asked with a deeply frustrated tone.
- No, why? he asked cautiously. You started to laugh once more. You didn't find this situation particularly funny but it was just one of those situations where the laughter just involuntarily surfaced and filled the awkward silence.
- So, we're having a rough patch, right? you asked or more like stated, sounding now more annoyed than before.
- Well, isn't it obvious? Roman asked, sounding puzzled. You chuckled and rolled your eyes as you repeated the answer half aloud, mimicking Roman's voice and style of talking.
- And we're actually trying to patch things up by moving in together. you stated with a tone that made it perfectly clear that you did not approve the decisions that had been previously made. Roman didn't comment. "Let me ask you again, Roman, are we fucking idiots?" you asked, this time sounding ridiculing and even angry. Roman did not answer and the silence grew eventually several minutes long. You used this timeout to process the situation and to calm yourself down a little.
- How did you get in anyway? you asked after a while. You sounded still frustrated and there was a strong undertone of disbelief in your voice but at least you didn't sound angry anymore.
- With a key, duh! Roman answered and most likely rolled his eyes even though you couldn't see it.
- How did you get my key? you asked, trying your very best to maintain a constructive and cooperative mindset.
- What? Roman exclaimed. "You have given me the key to your apartment" he spoke with a tone that made it clear to you that he couldn't believe that he had to explain these things to you. That was how obvious they were to him. "Of course I have your key! We are... were... engaged!" he stated with a slightly frustrated tone.
- We're fucking idiots. We're total fucking idiots. you spoke with a defeated tone, staring at the bathroom wall while sitting on the closed toilet seat and trying to figure out how the hell your current-self, which felt kind of like your 'future-self' to you, had ever even agreed to this stupendous insanity.
- Look at it this way. Roman began with a hopeful and encouraging tone. "It is good to have me around" he stated confidently. "I'm strong... and tall... I can help you" he stated, keeping small pauses between the words. Then he took a longer pause and continued "I can even...carry you-"
- Carry me? What? you chuckled, not really capable of forming an opinion about that.
- Yeah, if one day you'll be too... tired or... sick to walk, I could easily... Roman explained, his tone changing from quite confident to nervous the longer he talked. You reasoned that he was afraid that he was making a fool of himself and therefore had decided to cut his statement short, or so it seemed since his voice had turned into mumble and finally faded away entirely. Soon, however, he stated "Anyway, since your killer is still on the loose-"
- He is not a killer per se. you said because it felt like giving the perpetrator that title just made him more powerful, like he had actually succeeded. No, you didn't want to see him that way, you wanted to see him as a failure. "He didn't kill me" you declared with a frustrated and deeply troubled tone and then snapped "Or are you talking to my fucking ghost, Roman?"
It clearly was a touchy subject and therefore Roman had to choose his words wisely so he wouldn't risk making you upset... or... well, more upset than you already were. However Roman didn't want to let you to shut yourself into a bubble where you did your very best to deny what had happened and how serious the situation had actually been. He understood that you didn't want to give the man power over you by accepting the fact that you were a victim of a horrific crime but the truth was that Roman knew just how close call it had been. He had found you, he had witnessed the horrifying blood stains on the floor as well as on the walls and watched helplessly as the light in your eyes had faded away. He was the one who had called the ambulance and tried to stop the bleeding without even realizing how many stab wounds there were.
- He nearly did, (Y/N). He nearly... did. Roman stated softly. He sounded sympathetic even through the door, which muffled the finest undertones and flattened most of the nuances, made Roman's tones challenging to read. You could hear the softness though and that made you feel a bit guilty for snapping at him the way you had. "So... I'll keep you safe. I'll protect you, take care of you... anything" he spoke and then added "Any way you need." You were dumbfounded, rendered speechless and on a verge of bursting into tears. The thing was, you didn't want to admit it to yourself that you were scared, you didn't want Roman to know it either and when you had told him that a moment ago, you had done it mostly to make Roman feel bad for his actions, to make him see how unfair and thoughtless his actions had been. But the truth was you hated the fact that a person who seemed and felt like a total stranger to you, told you that he was going to take care of you... and to keep you safe from the 'killer' who was still running free.
- I moved my things to the guestroom of your… our… apartment. Roman said after a long silence. He sounded worried, like he had desperately tried to just come up with a conversation to hear your voice, to make sure that you were still there on the other side of the locked door. You sniffled a couple of times and wiped your cheeks as you recoiled from your thoughts. You swallowed your emotions and took a deep breath before speaking.
- Oh, I have a guestroom? you asked with a tone that was weak but also had a subtle undertone of mockery in it. "I thought you said that my apartment is too small for the both of us" you continued with the same sour tone.
- Well, there is a bedroom, a living room with an open kitchen… a bathroom and a small guestroom which, I suppose, you use as a home office. Roman listed calmly and then added "I put my stuff into the guestroom." You didn't comment, however that 'I suppose' -part sounded a bit weird. You however were too exhausted to start doing any mental detective work and decided that it was just a harmless slip... or perhaps you had remodelled the room just recently and therefore Roman didn't have specific knowledge of the purpose of the room.
- I reasoned that we’ll figure it out when you’ll get home. he stated because you refused to say anything. You stared at the wall and sighed, rubbed your arms because you felt quite chilly in your light hospital gown and then just mumbled
- Okay.
- When is it, by the way? When will you be discharged from hospital? Ronan asked curiously.
- The day after tomorrow if the test results come out alright. you answered, sounding quite exhausted after such emotional and mental ups and downs.
In a way it was a relief that you didn't have to go home alone, it was a relief to know that you had someone you knew, sort of, going with you but at the same time you were anxious about what you might remember when you went home and all those memories started to flood back into your mind. What if you remembered things that you would have rather left forgotten? What if either of you had done something questionable, like cheated, and the rough patch was a result of that? How would you cope knowing that Roman had just moved his things to your place and in a way, this was irreversible?
Recovering from the attack and dealing with the mental trauma was surely going to be challenging enough as it was and therefore a thought of having to fix a relationship at the same felt... overwhelming, lightly put, especially if you suddenly remembered what had gone wrong in the first place. None of the doctors that had treated you had claimed that going home would have an impact on your memory but you firmly believed that it would. How would it not when you had all your things and mementos around you?
- Hey Roman? you asked suddenly and continued after getting a confirmation from Roman in a form of a "Huh?" You took a deep breath and shifted your gaze from the wall in front of you to the locked bathroom door. "Why do you want this so much? Why is this so important to you?" you asked and then added "Me… this relationship… and saving it." Roman did not say anything and therefore you stood up, walked to the door and leaned to it, hoping to hear the different tones of his deep yet soft voice a bit clearer. However, you weren't quite ready to step out from the bathroom yet.
- You are a handsome guy, Roman. you stated, smiled a little and then continued "I’m sure you will find someone else." There was an undertone of sadness and hesitation in your voice as you spoke but you didn't want to admit it to yourself that handing Roman over to some other woman made you feel like you were losing something important. "A sexy dame who will share your interests and worship the ground beneath your feet" you spoke anyway despite your own conflicted feelings.
- Maybe… Roman admitted, sounding surprisingly casual considering that you had just suggested him to find someone new. His laid-back attitude confused you but then he added "But it’s not what I want."
- What do you want then? you asked and sighed as you pressed your cheek against the cool surface of the bathroom door. You felt the door with your fingertips and tried to imagine the look on Roman's face.
- You. Roman said instantly, speaking basically against the door, on the other side.
- But why? you asked, turned around and leaned to the door with your back. "A relationship with someone else could be happier" you described and then added "... and easier." You inhaled and exhaled a couple of times and then continued with an exhausted monotone "I’m sure it doesn’t have to be this… hard" you said, swallowed your bottled feelings and spoke with the same blank voice "Like trying to fit together two puzzle pieces that do not match."
- There was a time when this wasn’t hard. Roman commented immediately. "It was the easiest thing" he spoke and added with a longing tone "A nearly perfect match."
- But… then, at some point, it got hard. you stated with a harsh tone that carried an undertone of regret. "So why drag it on?" you asked, although your defeated tone made it sound like a statement.
- Because our thing has been the best relationship I have had with anyone. Roman stated and slammed his hand against the bathroom door, startling you completely. You jumped away from the door, turned to stare at it as you waited for your heart rate to drop a little. "You… (Y/N), you are one of a kind" Roman stated with a desperate and slightly frustrated tone. "There will never be another woman like you" he spoke, his tone almost angry but you reasoned that he was just passionate about saving this relationship. "In good and bad. You’re just… unique. Uniquely wonderful" he described, his voice soft and deep again and the undertone of anger missing almost completely.
- You must know something that I don’t. you commented and sniffled a couple of times. You felt your eyes fill with tears even though you tried your very best to fight against the flood of emotions. However, you failed and suddenly tears just poured out from your eyes, silently, landing on your cheeks and rolling down on your neck.
- I am not perfect, (Y/N), but… trust me when I say… we could be wonderful. Roman stated firmly, keeping few pauses between words. "Again" he added and then continued by stating "That is why it’s important." You gasped for air and wiped your cheeks. "That’s why I’m… dragging it on" he spoke softly and concluded his monolog with "How could I settle with something easy, when…" However he stopped talking your hospital roommate entered the room. "Well, it’s not just up to me" he said instead of finishing his sentence.
- Yeah. you sighed and washed your face with cold water to make your eyes appear little less red and swollen. You heard the roommate telling Roman that she wanted to take a nap and asked him to leave. Roman told the woman to mind her own business and when the woman threatened to call the security and get Roman removed from the premises, he apologized and said that it would take only a minute and then he would be out of her hair. The woman said "Fine" and added "Five minutes and then I'm calling the security."
- Are you hungry? Roman asked and focused his full attention to you again. "I was thinking... lunch at the canteen" he said and then added "No baby food. My treat." You sniffled as you felt emotions hitting you hard once more, making it impossible to say anything. "(Y/N)?" Roman said, knocked on the door softly and asked "Are you alright?"
- Yeah, I'll be out in a moment. you replied, dried your face with a towel and then put on a hospital robe that looked like it had been made few decades ago.
You made sure that you looked fairly presentable and stepped out from the bathroom. You said "Sorry" to your roommate and then focused your gaze to Roman who was standing by the window and waiting for you, facing to the window and exploring the view to kill time. He turned to face you as you walked to your bed and grabbed a pair of slippers from under it. You put them on and then made sure that the belt of the robe was securely tied on a tight knot. You did wear the hospital gown under the robe but you didn’t want to take any risks of flashing accidentally to complete strangers or to the stranger called Roman.
You shifted your gaze from the floor to the tall man standing by the window and then your jaw dropped; Roman was wearing a casual long-sleeved brown shirt that had few buttons in the front and trousers that actually fit him and complimented his figure. He had shaved, gotten rid of the sideburns and visited a barbershop too. He didn’t comb his hair back anymore with some kind of hair product that had made his hair look a bit greasy, but now his hairstyle looked actually good and complimented his face. Roman looked sharp and tidy, he was paying more attention to his posture and standing straight with new kind of firmness that was very attractive to you. His entire new look was very-very attractive to you and at first you couldn’t even believe your eyes. The man who had looked like a former prisoner or a gang member had transformed into a man who actually looked like a responsible adult – a very handsome responsible adult.
- Oh wow. you gasped when you finally managed to talk. “You look… different” you spoke and chuckled nervously.
- I told you I was just having a laundry day. Roman commented and rolled his eyes. You were able to sense that he was very proud of his transformation.
- Ah… I… wow… you stammered without actually getting any words out. The thing was, now you could actually see yourself with him. You could imagine yourself falling in love with him and you felt a bit guilty for it because all of a sudden you realized how shallow you had been. “It’s not just your clothes… I meant… you changed your hairstyle… and shaved” you stammered with a tone that didn’t sound negative but it didn’t really have a positive ring to it either. It just was and the blankness left Roman wondering whether you liked this new look even a little more than the previous one. However his frustration boiled quickly over and he snapped
- Don’t you fucking tell me that you don’t like this look either!
- Calm down, Roman. you said with a friendly yet slightly cautious tone and chuckled nervously.
The reason for your nervousness was that Roman looked and felt different, almost like he had done one-eighty during the past week but when he lost his cool and opened his mouth, he was still the man with the dark vibe. This confused you and made you wonder, which of the two Roman really was; the responsible adult, who had promised to take care of you or the angsty man-child, who had left you for a week. It was so easy to trust your eyes and let yourself to think that this new improved Roman was the man you had been engaged to, that was what you wanted to believe because it kind of… made sense and made everything make sense… but at the same time you couldn’t know for sure… and it was also equally possible that your eyes were just deceiving you… that the hopeful part of your brain, the one who wanted to trust Roman, was misleading you… It was also possible that this ‘changing his style’ was just some kind to trick, dishonesty, to make you trust him… but, oh boy did he look good!
- You are impossible to please, you know that? Roman stated and woke you up from your thoughts. He looked disappointed as he avoided your gaze and suddenly you felt sorry for him. “I’m just not good enough for you, am I?” he asked with a bitter tone and furrowed his brows.
- I think you look very handsome. you commented and smiled a little. You took a deep breath, hesitated for a moment and then walked to him because you didn’t want to see him so unhappy. Oh no, you wanted to give him a chance. You wanted to follow this rabbit hole down and see how deep it went. Therefore you reached out to him, placed your hand on his arm and then slid it slowly along his sleeve down. “You looked handsome already before…” you spoke as you took his hand and slid your fingers between his. “…But I’ll admit, I do prefer this look” you confessed with a light blush on your face. “I’ve never been a big bad-boy fan” you added and bit your lip flirtatiously as you took a long look at the man from his shoes, slowly getting higher and appreciating this transformation with your gaze. You took a moment to admire his strong chest, let your eyes linger on the V-shaped neckline of his shirt and then met his beautiful green eyes with yours.
- Do I look like a man you could date? Roman asked and stared intensely down into your eyes. His eyes were filled with mysteries and framed the longest and darkest eye lashes you had ever seen on a man. You smirked at him, squeezed his hand as you interlaced your fingers with his and stated with a soft, warm and velvety tone
- I thought we already dated.