Thranduil / Reader (1) - REWRITE - part 4
It was the morning of the celebration. You had not been able to sleep at all last night because you were too nervous and excited about the party. It was strange how your mood and attitude towards it had shifted back and forth between panic and enthusiasm during the past week, never really settling down to one or the other; for one moment you felt fine and cheerfully excited about the event but then, for whatever reason, your opinion had changed and turned into a state of panic… until you had managed to catch your breath and basically convince yourself to trust that it was going to be alright. Once you had done that, you found yourself looking forward to the party once more.
You had a plan; after breakfast you were going to have the final fitting for the dress and then you would take a calming walk in the forest, eat lunch and enjoy a long relaxing bath. You had planned to get some sleep, hoping to be successful this time, and afterwards you would start getting ready for the evening. Your plan did not include Thranduil because you knew that he was going to be busy with different meetings and councils until the very last moment. Then he would change his clothes and come to pick you up from your chamber so you and he would arrive to the party together.
However unfortunately just before your scheduled bath you received a message from the king saying that he was terribly delayed and therefore it was for the best that you attended the party according to your own schedule. You asked the servant to wait for a moment, wrote a response quickly and asked him to deliver it to the king immediately. You stated in the note that you understood and hoped to see him at the ball. You made sure that your expression did not flounder, in other words, you made sure that you kept smiling in a cheerful and carefree manner throughout the whole exchange because you had a feeling that the king was going to ask the servant how you had taken the change of plans.
You closed the door and sighed, leaned against the door and closed your eyes for a moment. You felt your confidence crumble and an intense wave of disappointment taking over your excited mood. Yes, you had been quite excited the entire morning and afternoon… all the way up to this point. Now you felt nervous again and even the thought of entering the grand ball room alone was making your palms sweat. It, Thranduil being unable to say for sure when he would be able to attend the party, was not the news you had hoped to hear but you knew that had to be tougher than this. You couldn’t allow yourself as well as your self-esteem to be so easily influenced by simple setbacks and now that you had realized that this was a real issue, you had decided to work on it.
But it wasn’t easy and you couldn’t help slipping on that slightly melancholic and insecure side where every setback was a sign of something greater; something greater like whether you belonged somewhere or not or whether your concept of self worth was tightly linked to other people’s perception of you. You had not always been like this and you knew it. It annoyed and frustrated you profoundly that you had let yourself sink this low but there had been too many mean words and disgusted glances that had caused damage to your self-esteem long before you had even realized it yourself. You see, you had tried to deny it, you had tried to be stronger than the words meant to hurt you, even succeeded for many centuries, but the unexpected death of your parents and the fire soon after that had been the last straw to break your back. It had not helped that you had been recruited immediately as a maid and suddenly you had become dependent on other people and started to serve them, a clear constant reminder that you were beneath them.
Of course you had been thankful for the safe environment; a new home… no… a place to stay, duties to keep your mind occupied and a promotion a little later. You had a feeling that the king had been behind all of these even though the matter had never been directly issued. Perhaps he had done it because he had felt sorry for you, perhaps he had wanted to honor the friendship between him and your parents by making sure that their only child had a comfortable life… or maybe the king had steered the circumstances to the direction of things warming up between you and him, to create an opportune setting for something to happen. Well, it was obvious that in the position of personally managing and taking care of the king’s private quarters it had been only a matter of time when you would run into him… although you had managed to avoid it for few years.
There were three main reasons why you had done it; the first reason was that you had wanted to be professional, the second reason was that you had not wanted to seem eager and make a fool out of yourself and the third reason, the most important of them all, was that you had not known if the king still felt the same way about you… after all these years. Your own feelings… well, they had been like fire that sometimes raged with intense flame and then burned to embers and stayed hidden until the next gush of air that had breathed life into it, turning the glowing coals into flames once more.
Ever since you had moved to the palace the embers had started to glow again until first sparks had appeared and set the whole thing ablaze. You had not been in direct contact with the king; you had seen him from afar somewhat regularly of course, you had not even talked with him since the day you had moved to the court, but still, the old feelings had started to grow once more despite your best efforts to stop them by telling yourself that there was no way that the king would fall in love with a servant girl.
You were informed that the party had started and the large hall was filling steadily with guests. You thanked for the information, asked if the king had arrived yet and when you were told that the king had not been seen so far, you told the servant that you weren’t quite ready either. That, however, was a lit. You were left alone again. You walked to the door that led into the garden, you were still getting used to the idea that you had your private patio now since you had been transferred from the servant’s wing to live among the nobility and therefore you were still settling in, sighed and opened the door. You heard music, people chatting as well as laughing, some of the guests were even slightly tipsy already, and it actually made you feel less nervous. It was just a party and you were one of the guests – you belonged there and there was no reason you should feel any less deserving than any other elf attending tonight.
You filled your lungs with air, walked to the large dressing mirror and then stopped to admire the dress for a moment. It was a beautiful gown, truly gorgeous. It flattered your figure, the color made your eyes sparkle and the subtle shimmer of the fabric made your skin look radiant. The neckline showed just the right amount of cleavage to be fairly modest and appropriate without being boring or prude. The attractiveness was amplified by your hairdo that revealed the curve of your neck and emphasized the slightly open back of the dress. The gown was long but not too long for dancing and the sleeves were light even though no fabric had been spared because the king had requested the dress to be dramatic, elegant and striking. There were fine embroideries that decorated the perfectly, yet quite tightly fitted bodice and gave the dress impressive posture.
You put on a necklace, a matching bracelet and a delicate headpiece, all these had been made just for you, commissioned by the king himself. The jewelries were made of silver and decorated with small, sparkling gemstones that complimented your dress perfectly. Yes, you looked like one of them, without a shadow of doubt, and when you looked like one of them, the fine noble elves, it was so much easier to think that you weren’t that much different after all, despite what some jerks had said. You stared at your reflection and the sight made you smile; it was going to be a wonderful evening. You were ready. Ready to take your place in the high society, ready to stand next to the king and ready to embrace your new life.
After summoning a guard to escort you to the party, you left your chamber and followed the finely dressed elf to the grand hall that was already quite full of guests. You entered the room and noticed the king who was talking with a group of important-looking ladies and lords. You walked among the elves, greeted people and slowly made way to the king who gestured you to join him as soon as he saw you standing alone a bit further away. You took a deep breath, told yourself that you looked just as fine as any other lady in the party and you had no reason to feel nervous, besides the king was going to propose to you at some point in front of everyone, which meant that the king’s feelings for you were strong and deep, genuine, real and firm.
- Lady (Y/N), delighted to see you here. Thranduil said and bowed a little. You dropped a curtsy in return.
- Yes, I just arrived. you said and greeted everyone in the circle of courtiers. The ladies and ladies greeted you with small, graceful gestures and some of them took slow glances at you from your head to toes, clearly evaluating you and trying to find out what your position in the pecking order was. You looked familiar but none of the courtiers could point out where exactly they had seen you before, in other words, they did not recognize you due to the expensive clothes and new hairstyle, and therefore they were trying to dissect your character in order to arrive to a conclusion whether you were a noblewoman from another elven realm, for example. It was no surprise, though, because your dress was entirely different in quality and style compared to what people had gotten used to seeing you wearing… or not-seeing you since the servants weren’t supposed to be seen.
Then there was a silence, almost like everyone had been waiting for you to say something, to keep the conversation going since you were the one who had disturbed the previously ongoing discussion. You found the situation a bit uncomfortable so after hesitating for a moment you encouraged yourself and stated “Such a beautiful evening, isn’t it?” hoping that start a conversation and to steer the attention away from you. The courtiers agreed but did not actually do anything to keep the conversation going.
- Not as beautiful as you. the king commented and smiled at you. A wide smile appeared on your face and you shifted your gaze away from the king as an involuntary reaction. It was awkward and almost embarrassing to be the center of the attention, especially since there were the courtiers scanning your every expression, your every move, tone and reaction constantly.
- It is a beautiful dress, Lady (Y/N). one of the ladies commented with a polite and formal tone.
- It is a gift from the king. you stated and admired the fabric as it shimmered in the soft candle light.
- From Thranduil? the lady asked with a surprised tone to which Thranduil responded by nodding. “Thranduil has the best taste” the lady commented and then, after taking another quick look at you, added “…At least when it comes to the finer things in life.” You smiled and grabbed a wineglass from a servant’s tray when the servant walked past you, conveniently just now. You needed the glass to keep yourself occupied when there was an awkward silence.
Now, you did not know if the lady was trying deliberately to make you feel uncomfortable or was it just in your own head, but two things were for certain; firstly, the lady did not like you for some reason, perhaps she saw you as competition and secondly you were not the only one who had the right to call Thranduil by his first name. It was obvious that the noblewoman was very comfortable doing so in front of everyone. You wouldn’t dare to do it publically, despite the verbal permission from the king because it just felt… private… but perhaps little less so now that you had found out that there were other ladies with the same privileges. However you tried to ignore the nagging insecurity because you knew that you were the king’s fiancée even though no one else knew it. Hell, no one even knew that you were courting him!
You and Thranduil continued mingling with the guests, dancing, drinking mild wine and eating small bite-sized snacks until the noblewoman asked the king for a dance. Thranduil tried to decline the request at first but it got quite apparent that the lady was not going to take no for an answer. When the king finally accepted her dance-invitation, she smirked at you when the king was not looking and then hung herself up to the king’s arm as they steered to the dance floor. You watched them two dancing gracefully, gliding across the floor effortlessly, almost like they had been floating few measures above the marble floor.
Then it happened for the first time.
You were standing a little further away from everyone - the noble elves, sharing a casual conversation with few servants who happened to be your friends. Talking to someone whom you knew was nice and since Thranduil had gotten held up for some reason, you found it less awkward to chat with the servants than to stand all by yourself and talk to no one. However, you knew that the servants were terribly busy during the celebrations like this and therefore you decided to take the awkwardness combined with loneliness, than to possibly getting your friends into trouble. You found a spot to stand where you were not blocking any walkways and scanned the crowd to find out where the king was when suddenly a nobleman, an elf lord with a sour expression, handed you his empty glass without saying anything or staying around. You were baffled and speechless, unable to do anything but to take the glass from him and to stare at it with a confused look on your face.
You put the glass away and soon it happened again; the high elves, not all but few here and there, started to hand you their empty glasses, assuming that you were one of the servants. They were ignoring the fact that your dress was completely different from the servants’ clothes and some of them had even shared a conversation the king earlier this evening and you had been right there standing next to Thranduil at the time. You tried to tell yourself, to convince yourself that this was no conspiracy against you but the elves were just so focused on themselves and on each other that they accidentally ignored every piece of evidence to point out that you were not a servant… tonight.
Yes, you had been a servant during many previous celebrations and the king’s personal servant during the latest ones, after the promotion, but not tonight – tonight you were… or were supposed to be the king’s guest. Perhaps the high elves had assumed that you were serving the king and since the king was now elsewhere, it was alright to hand you their empty glasses to be taken back to the kitchen. The truth was that Thranduil had not clearly expressed it at any point that you were attending his guest, you had been just introduced as Lady (Y/N) and that was all, but then again, the lords and ladies you had spoken with had not even recognized you. Or maybe they had…
It was getting late and Thranduil had been caught up for quite some time now. You were struggling to maintain a cheerful smile on your face as you waited for the king to return like he had told he would. You felt like an outsider, like a commoner among the high elves and you were getting tired of standing alone, unable to start any conversations with anyone because every time you even tried to say something to some random lady or a lord, you choked out and ended up just smiling awkwardly instead. Even when someone came to talk to you, you kind of froze up and lost your capability to get any sound out from your mouth, which then looked very weird.
The thing was that your confidence was crumbling down by every passing moment, leading soon to the point where you would just retire to your chamber without saying anything to anyone. You knew that there had been a time when you would have been tough enough to turn the whole thing with people assuming that you were one of the servants and returning empty glasses to you into a joke and hopefully made Thranduil laugh as well, but now you had a feeling that if you sought him out and told you about it, he would get insulted on your behalf… or perhaps scold you for willingly taking the backseat while he was expecting you to stand out from the crowd and shine.
Therefore you decided that you would indeed seek him out and turn the whole thing into a joke, make the king laugh and then feel a lot better about yourself as well as about the situation so you started to make way towards the last location where you had seen the king chatting with diplomats from Rivendell. You navigated the crowd as gracefully as you possibly could, careful not to elbow anyone or to step on the long train of anyone’s gown but it made your progress very slow and tedious, so slow in fact that by the time you had managed to go around the dance floor to the other side where you had seen the king a moment ago, he had already moved somewhere else from that spot. Suddenly you heard the familiar voice coming behind you. You swallowed as you waited your shoulder to be tapped to gain your full attention.
- Oh, look who do we have here! one of those two guards, the first one, said and stepped in front of you. The other stayed on the opposite side and cut your escape route completely. They beleaguered you to a corner by taking steps closer while you took automated steps backwards to maintain a comfortable distance to those two lords.
- The peasant whore. the second one said and shook his head disapprovingly.
- A new dress and fancy jewelry. the first one said and took a long look at you. “Trying to blend in, are we?” he asked and laughed mockingly right at your face. You took one step back but hit your leg to a marble column that blocked your way backwards. The guards positioned themselves to stand in front of you so you really have anywhere to go. When you tried to move to the either side, to get away like that, the guards always moved accordingly and the way was shut again. You knew that it was pointless so you just gave up your escape attempts.
- You shouldn't bother though, you see... the first one continued, glared at you smugly and added “…You are a peasant... no one can change that.”
- Not even a beautiful dress. the second guard commented and then asked “Did you steal it?” you folded your arms and refused to answer such bold and ridiculous, plain insulting questions. “Huh?” he asked because you were just staring at him with a defiant expression on your face.
- Well, did you? the first asked and grabbed the sleeve of your dress, inspected it more closely and stated “This is no dress for a peasant” and then pulled the sleeve so hard that a seam torn apart.
- No. you whimpered and pulled the sleeve back. It was now hanging in a quite ugly and inconvenient way but you refused to break down and cry. You would not give the guards that satisfaction. “It was a gift from the king” you stated and glared at both of them.
- Oh, I see... the first guard commented and scoffed. “…Not only a peasant whore, but the king's whore as well” he said and shook his head while saying “Well-well-well. Who would have thought!”
- Don't worry, the king will soon move to the next one, after he has had his fun and gotten tired with you. the second guard stated and placed his fingers under your chin, lifted your chin up and stared at you like he had been staring at a piece of meat. He shifted his gaze from your face to your cleavage and smirked. The action paralyzed you until you gained control of yourself and stated firmly with a low, threatening tone
- Shut up. Both of you.
- Oh... the second guard said, slid his fingers from your chin to your shoulder and just as he was about to slip his hand under the fabric of your dress, he commented “Not so fine lady after all” accompanied by a mocking laugher. You instantly raised your hand and swung it at the second guard’s face. He however managed to catch it before you had a chance to slap him.
- Do you not know who we are, peasant? he growled and squeezed your wrist so tightly that you would surely get a bruise… but at least he was not groping you anymore. "And do you honestly think the king doesn't know about our little chats, huh?" he said and then continued by stating "Who do you think has authorized us to deal with the problem the way we see fit?" You did not say anything but just kept glaring at the guard who was squeezing your wrist very tightly, nearly crushing your delicate bones. "You are the problem and we are only solving it like the king has ordered us to... but let me assure you, peasant, the pleasure is all ours" the guard stated victoriously and smirked at you. You could not believe it. You did not want to believe it but at this moment the guard's words were like daggers that kept stabbing you repeatedly and there was nothing you could have done than to take it.
- You know, the thing is... the first guard began, took a disgusted look at you and continued by stating “…You can dress up all you want but you will never fit in.” You kept pulling your hand off from the second guard’s firm grip, first failing miserably but after few attempts you succeeded at freeing your hand even though yanking it had been quite painful. Then you folded your arms again to shield yourself from the overly hungry, lustful and curious eyes. “You have that...” the first guard said, leaned a little closer and then added “…Smell.” You went completely pale and tried to sniff yourself without the guards noticing anything. The situation however was that at least one of them was keeping an eye on you while the other kept guard, but it meant that at least one of their eyes were constantly on you and since they were guards, well trained ones on top of that, they missed nothing. It sometimes seemed that they had eyes even on the back of their heads.
- Oh no, it is not that kind of smell, darling. the first guard said and then explained with a disgusted, derogatory tone “It is a smell that you cannot wash away.” You swallowed silently and shifted your gaze away from the guards. “The smell of...paupers... beggars... and peasants” he stated and then added “The king can smell it too.”
You had had enough. “That’s it!” you thought, perfected your posture and shifted your gaze, as firm as ever, back to the guards. You filled your lungs, took a small step closer, like an attack and stared at them with a threatening and confident expression on your face. You refused to take it anymore and therefore you would stand up for yourself. It was now or never, the payback time. The guards noticed the shift in your attitude and one of them, the first one, took a step back as an automated, involuntary reaction. The second slapped him quickly, to remind him to mind his actions because they couldn’t let you get the upper hand. If you even tried, they would have no other option than to crush you completely.
- The king is planning to propose to me tonight. you stated firmly. “I might be a...” you said and paused because you did not want to say the word. You inhaled sharply and then said the word with pride, well, as proudly as you could anyway. “…A peasant, but he doesn't care” you spoke with a low, assertive tone.
- Doesn't he? the second guard asked mockingly.
- No. you stated as proudly as you could, however the guards stepped a bit closer again and forced you back to stand your back against the column and you felt whatever small burst of courage and bravery you had had just a moment ago crumbling away as quickly as it had surfaced. You had hoped that the statement would have had some impact on the guards but it was fairly obvious that they did not even believe you. Hell, to be honest, you did not believe it anymore yourself either; you had been standing alone past few hours, waiting for the king return but for some reason he seemed to have forgotten that he was supposed to escort you tonight. The guards glanced quickly at each other and chuckled.
- Well... he hasn't proposed yet, has he? the second guard stated and shifted his gaze back to you again.
- Seriously, I do not think he will. the first guard said and then continued by stating “It is getting late. Some of the guests are already leaving.” You knew that he was right and you had been thinking about the same thing but hearing it was a different thing than telling it to yourself in your own head. Therefore you felt a wave of disappointment hitting you like a massive tsunami wave. You swallowed your emotions and bottled them inside because there was nothing worse than to break apart in front of these two assholes.
- He's just waiting for a good moment. you stated, still trying to sound cheerful and confident but if one listened very carefully, like the elves usually did, one could hear your voice breaking just a tiny bit. The guards stepped away from in front of you and moved to stand next to you. This action gave you a clear view to the crowd of elves, the king being the tallest with the festive crown, now talking with the noblewoman not too far from your location.
- Look at him... the first guard said and continued by asking "Do you see the Lady he is with?" You did not say anything or even nod but the guard knew that you saw her - she was standing right there, right next to Thranduil. "She is my sister" he stated and spoke with great pride in his voice "Now, she is the type of a lady the king should propose to. Most likely he already has." You swallowed and clenched your hands into tight fists so it would be easier to keep yourself and your emotions in control. The first guard asked “Can you see what a wonderful match it is?" You turned your head away defiantly to which the guard responded by stating pitifully "The king has already forgotten about you.”
- He went to get some wine. you stated, although it was not exactly true. The king had left you alone few hours ago; it had been “just one dance” but it had become more dances and then conversations with various people, mingling, wine and snacks and more dancing. You reasoned that he was so used to attending alone and that was the reason why he had forgotten you so easily.
- And never came back. the first guard stated, sounding falsely emphatic, almost friendly, but you knew that it was just an act.
- Got held up. you said, keeping your eyes fixed on the king and hoping that he would turn around, notice you and come to save you. You knew that most likely this was one of those situations where you were supposed to save yourself but since your self-esteem was back to nonexistent again, you could do nothing but to stand still in the corner, paralyzed and suffer whatever the guards were going to say next.
- A delusional peasant. the guards scoffed simultaneously, not exactly using the same words but meaning the same thing. “Speaking of wine...” the second guard said, handed you his empty wineglass and continued “…”Why don't you go and get me a new drink, darling.” You glared at him but took the glass as an automated reaction. “Oh wait, never mind. Just take the glass to the kitchen” he said and laughed.
- The servants need help there anyway. the first guard commented, emptied his wineglass and handed it to you as well. You dropped your head and shifted your eyes from the king to the empty glasses. You took a step forward but this time the guards did not react; they were going to let you leave. When you walked away, you heard them laughing at you, saying things like “Can you believe it? A servant girl mingling here with the high lords and ladies!” and “Pretending to be one of them! What a ridiculous peasant!”
It was too much; your dress was slightly torn from the shoulder seam because one of guards had grabbed it and tried to pull it apart, your eyes were filled with bitter tears that burned your cheeks whenever they managed to roll down from the corner of your eye against your will. You were exhausted and embarrassed, not in a party-mood anymore so you just sneaked through the service door into the servants’ corridor and steered towards the kitchen where your ex-colleagues, your friends, were just as busy as they always were during big parties like this one. You put on an apron, walked to the dishwashing station and got to work.
All sounds got muffled away; the voices of the servant elves, the sound of porcelain plates being stacked on top of each other and few glasses breaking, as you washed the dishes and cursed the moment you had woken up to the sound of the falling tree crashing on top of the roof of your small cottage. If you had suffocated then, your spirit would have gone to the Halls of Mandos and eventually you would have been reborn in Valinor were your parents now were. Oh, you missed them so much! You missed their silly jokes, you missed their support, their love… you missed the good and the bad times equally and you would have given anything to be able to run to their arms and tell them all about this evening… about everything. You had kept so many secrets, you had never told them about the guards either… but you would now, if you just could. But it was impossible since you were stuck here in Mirkwood and they were in Valinor, beyond the sea, in the West.
- What are you doing here, Lady (Y/N)? Thranduil said with a deeply confused and also disapproving tone. You recognized his voice instantly, put the glass you were currently washing into the sink and then turned around to face him. “I have been looking for you!” he stated and stared at you, noticing the broken sleeve instantly.
- Have you? you asked, dried your hands to the apron and then folded your arms.
- Of course I have, do not be ridiculous! the king exclaimed and let out a frustrated sigh.
- A ridiculous peasant. you mumbled, shifted your gaze away and then stated “It has been hours, Thran-“ you however stopped and corrected yourself by saying “My Lord” instead. The king rolled his eyes and sighed theatrically.
- You should have come and find me. he commented with an annoyed tone and then added “But instead of finding me, you found dishes.” You however did not comment anything. “This is not how a lady should behave” the king said and took a somewhat disgusted look at the kitchen. It was a mess and the apron you were wearing was partially soaked from the soap water as well as covered with red wine stains.
- I think you should go. you stated with an emotionless voice. “The king does not belong to the kitchen” you added and stared at Thranduil with a blank, unreadable expression on your face. You did not feel anything anymore, you were too exhausted both physically as well as emotionally, mentally too, to care.
- And neither do you. Thranduil said, clearly irritated and finding his surroundings very unpleasant indeed.
- I am a... commoner. you said, took a deep breath and said with a louder voice “A servant girl.” Thranduil stared at you with a shocked look on his face, clearly speechless. “That is what I am and that is what I'll always be!” you stated coldly, not really shouting but your voice sounded very harsh anyway.
- Are you rejecting me again? the king asked, now looking even more shocked than a moment ago.
- You should go and entertain your guests, my Lord. you said, turned away and added “I'm quite busy.”
You heard the king turning away and then walking out from the kitchen. His angry footsteps echoed in the corridor until he was far and exited the hallway into the grand hall. You continued washing the dishes until the party was over and the stream of glasses, plates and different kind of forks, spoons and knives dried out and you found yourself alone in the kitchen. The other servants had gone to bed at some point but you had not noticed it at all. You took the broom, brushed the floor, wiped the tables and kitchen counters and finally mopped the floor. You were tired but also too mentally disturbed to sleep so you took a bucket of soap water and the mop, headed back to the ball room and started to wash the marble floor; there were many stains caused by spilled wine, even few broken glasses here and there… plenty of work to do while you would try to figure out your next move.
This evening had clearly proved that you were not one of them and to be honest, if being one of them meant being like the noblewoman who had seen you as a threat or competition or like the guards who had kicked you down again… then you didn’t really want to become one of… them. But… what would you do now that you weren’t exactly one of the servants either? You had no place, no purpose and no position. You were somewhere in between, alone… beyond the point of no-return. You were too tired to care, missed your parents too much… and therefore… you had no other choice than to… leave.