Ronan the Accuser / Reader - Part 3
It was more than obvious right from the beginning of your attack that you wouldn’t be able to hurt Ronan. However it was not even your goal, to be honest. Oh no, your goal was to provoke Ronan to take action and you hoped that despite being calmer now than ten weeks ago, you hoped that something would just snap in his head and he would end your life as self defense. You did not particularly have a death wish but you just couldn’t go on like this anymore; there was too much pain inside, just bottled up, waiting to explode, like you had been a can of soda that had been shaken violently beyond the point of no return.
You did not want to hurt Ronan, strangely enough, and you would have never attacked him with a knife if there had been even a slightest chance that you could do him harm. The situation would have been different entirely if he had been violent towards you or if he had tried to take you against your will, then it would have been self defense and you knew that you had the right to defend yourself against any attacks. Sure, Ronan had been an asshole and his behavior as well as attitude could be considered as verbal and mental abuse, but in a twisted way you had grown to understand him and submitted yourself to his rule willingly… well, not entirely willingly but your defiant resistance had been broken during the first weeks because you had come to a conclusion that it was just so much easier to coexist if you followed his commands.
But being mocked, belittled and shouted at had been killing you slowly from the inside, chipping little pieces away like you had been a sculpture made of stone and Ronan’s unkind words were the tools to hack you into pieces, the chisel and the hammer in the hands of a ruthless tyrant. However, what Ronan had not known and what you had refused to show him was that the personal hardships and drama within the inner circle of your closest friends had already corroded you, making the stone porous, frail and easy to break. Therefore you had come to a conclusion, as you had been sitting outside waiting for the bus and staring into nothingness, that you did not want to continue living this life if this was all it had to offer. So you had unconsciously forged a plan in the darkest corners of your mind and when you had arrived home, mentally scattered and broken, your hands had just known what to do without your conscious mind having a say, you were tuned out, on an unconscious autopilot. You had taken out the largest knife you had, placed it on the cutting board and then grabbed it when you had turned to face Ronan. You had spoken in riddles and finally screamed as you had plunged into the attack.
It all happened so quickly; you were stronger and faster than before due to the blood of the Kree rushing in your veins and this was something that Ronan had not taken into consideration. He stepped back to avoid the first hit and then, before you managed to attack him again, grabbed your arm, spun you around to face away from him. He wrapped his arms around you so tightly that you were unable to break free even though you tried your very best to wiggle and free yourself from the tight, rather intimate grip. You were still squeezing the knife’s handle with your hand as hard as you could but you were completely unable to harm Ronan or yourself with the weapon.
- Drop the knife. Ronan demanded, however his voice was not angry or furious. “(Y/N)” he added and when he did, you suddenly snapped out from the unconscious autopilot-mode and threw the knife away as soon as you had realized that you were holding one while gasping “What the fuck?” with a sincerely confused tone. You did not drop the weapon because you did not want to cause any injuries for your or Ronan’s feet. You started to shake from shock, repeating “I’m sorry” with a barely audible tone, over and over, as a state of panic took over. Ronan noticed this immediately. He loosened his grip, turned you around and then wrapped his arms around you once more, this time guiding you to rest your head against his chest.
- Breathe. Ronan said because you were just gasping shallow breaths here and there. “Inhale” he spoke, paused to listen and to make sure that you were following his instructions and then, when you had filled your lungs with air, he said “Exhale.” He repeated this many times until your pulse had returned to normal and your breathing had settled. However suddenly you felt a terribly intense flood of suppressed emotions hitting you and you broke down to cry.
You wailed and whimpered, gasped for air and shook violently as the exhaustion, fear and grief started to unravel and pour out from you, like the tears that burned your eyes and landed on your cheeks as well as on Ronan’s shirt. You expected him to push you away, any moment now, but for your surprise he enclosed you completely in his embrace and comforted you with his calm, unprovoked state of being. The truth was that Ronan did not really know what to say, he was not exactly the most eloquent gentleman who had ever existed and situations like these made him feel weak due to the incapability to be in control.
He was a man of war, the Supreme Accuser of the Kree Empire, well, he had been that once, and he had locked his emotions away a long time ago, pitying and looking down on those who were unable to do the same, but now, holding you, he felt… strong… but in a new way. Or perhaps he had once known this kind of strength but then just forgotten when his life had plunged into darkness, especially when he had become an outlaw. Maybe losing friends, allies and family members in the never-ending, exhausting wars and then allowing bitterness and rage take over his entire being to the point where he had decided to dedicate his life revenge and violence, had chipped away pieces from him as well.
Finally you stopped shaking and gasping, wailing and whimpering and your helpless sobbing calmed down and turned into silent, random sniffles. “I’m alright” you mumbled and stepped away from Ronan, who immediately scanned your mascara-stained face for clues and signs for dishonesty. You looked fragile and tired but the darkness that had surrounded you a moment ago was now gone. “Oh shit! The pizza” you exclaimed, walked past Ronan and took the tray out from the oven. There were few darker-than-necessary spots on the edges but otherwise it was not burnt. You took a pizza cutter and cut the pizza into six semi-equal slices, took a plate out from the cupboard and just as you were about to lift all the slices on it, Ronan walked next to you, took another plate out and lifted two large pieces on it.
- Oh, I’m not hungry. you mumbled and turned off the oven.
- You dare to oppose me? he asked with an assertive tone and added “(Y/N)” with a tiny, almost shy smile. You shook your head and asked Ronan to take the plates to the dining table while you would open a bottle of wine to go with the pizza. You filled two large wineglasses and carried them to the table, as well as the wine bottle that was now half-empty.
This was the first time you saw Ronan smiling and this was the second time he had called you by your name, first being when he had commanded you to drop the knife. You did not dare to point either of these things out to him and honestly, you did not know if it even meant anything. Perhaps he had just reasoned that it was the best way to keep you calm since it was apparent that you were mentally unstable. You sipped some wine and stared at the large pieces of pizza on your plate.
- Seriously though, I am not really that hungry. you said but just as you were about to hand the one of the two big slices of pizza to Ronan, he shook his head and gestured you to stop. “But…” you began but Ronan interrupted you by stating “You must eat.” You sighed and started eating silently. When you took the first bite, you suddenly realized how hungry you actually were; you had eaten only a light lunch due to the busy schedule at work and then you had been too scatterbrained to realize that your stomach was empty… until now. You did not say anything, of course, but you were secretly thankful that Ronan had forced you to eat. Otherwise you would have surely woken up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep because the somewhat painful rumblies in your stomach.
Then happened something that you had not expected. Just all of a sudden, in the middle of the dinner that you were eating in silence. Ronan emptied his wineglass, took a deep breath and focused his attention to you. He watched you as you stared at your nearly-empty wineglass, deep in your thoughts and then cleared his throat with a firm “Ahem” to gain your attention. You sniffled and shifted your eyes from the delicate glass to Ronan and after hesitating for a second, you found the courage to meet his eyes with yours.
- I know I am tough, dangerous and strong. he spoke, his deep voice filling the room and replacing the silence. “I am aware that I could have made your life easier for you…” he said and then, after a small pause, he added “…But I did not.”
- Please. you said and shook your head a little. You felt awkward and naked, mentally nowhere near ready to have this conversation and therefore you just pleaded with a barely audible tone “Let’s not talk about th-“
- It has come to my attention that I broke you, like I had intended. he stated, the statement making you gasp as a reaction, but then he continued “However, opposite from my expectation, I regret that I did.” You shifted your eyes instantly back to him and stared at Ronan with widened eyes.
- It does not grant me the satisfaction I had assumed it would. he spoke, filled his glass halfway and then filled yours as well, all the way until your glass was completely full. “I find it very strange” he mumbled while pouring the wine. You continued staring at him with your eyes wide open, mouth slightly agape and speechless. “Perhaps it is too much to ask…” he began hesitantly and after you had asked “What is?” he continued by adding “…You to forgive me.” You still did not know how to respond so you shifted your eyes away from Ronan and continued staring at the full wineglass in front of you. You wrapped your hand around the delicate foot of the glass and took a long gulp, nearly emptying the glass at one go while Ronan monitored you with a neutral expression on his face.
- It has been a long time since I’ve been kind to anyone. he spoke, shifting his eyes back and forth between you and his glass, trying to appear confident but the truth was that Ronan the Accuser looked… nervous.
- You don’t have to care about the stupid shit I said. you commented, speaking into the glass as you took the very last sip of wine.
- I am… aware of that. Ronan stated, trying to sound assertive and firm, borderline arrogant, well the same as he had before this evening, but now there was something else… an undertone of softness in his voice, whether he meant it to be there or not. “For so long I haven’t answered to no one but myself, but…” he spoke, emptied his wineglass and added “…The situation has changed.”
- Should I open another bottle? you asked casually. “I have another one in the fridge. White and fruity” you described and stood up.
- Stay. Ronan said immediately and then added “Please. Sit down… please.” You sat down, put the empty plate aside and leaned forward, placing your hands to the table in front of you. Then you waited without saying a word.
- I have decided to fix what I have broken. the tall, blue man stated and continued firmly “I am not a kind man…” He stopped when he noticed you nodding as a reaction just a little; a trace of disappointment staining your otherwise neutral expression, but just for one fleeting moment and then it was gone, like it had never been there in the first place. You did not know what you had expected, actually you kept telling yourself that you had no expectations whatsoever but the harsh reality was that hearing Ronan say that… it was a bitter disappointment. It hit you and then you swallowed it, still knowing that it would haunt you. You just couldn’t let Ronan see that you had had your hopes up for a moment. Oh no, he must never know.
- …But I wish not to hurt you anymore. he said and continued proudly “I shall not show kindness to anyone…” paused and added “…But you and you only.” You were even more speechless than before and therefore you could do nothing but to nod.
- I suggest you’ll take a shower before getting some sleep. Ronan stated, stood up and collected the plates. “You look exhausted” he commented while putting the plates, glasses and the cutleries into the kitchen sink. You mumbled “Thank you”, got your pajama top-shorts –combo and went to the bathroom. Just as you were closing the door behind you, you heard Ronan stating that he was going to make the bed ready. You thanked him once more and locked the door. You got undressed, cursed silently when you saw your reflection, hence the smudged makeup, and then washed yourself while warm water caressed your skin.
You turned off the water, dried yourself with a large, soft towel and after washing your teeth and getting dressed into your nightwear, stepped out from the bathroom. You had expected to see the sofa turned into a bed but for your surprise the sofa was still… a sofa. “Ronan?” you asked few times, checked the kitchen and then heard him answering from the bedroom. You walked there and noticed your pillow as well as your blanket on the bed, all fluffed up, soft and comfortable. The tall man was standing next to the bed, on the other side of the room, making the last adjustments and then turned to look at you. He walked closer, extended his hand to you and when you took it, hesitantly, he suddenly pulled you close, placing his other hand on your waist and holding you still firmly.
Ronan’s chest kept rising and falling calmly as you stared at the collar of his shirt, Ronan still holding your hand and keeping you close. He was currently facing away from the bed, but he swiftly turned to face the bed, with one fluid motion turned you to take his previous place. He guided you backwards until you felt the edge of the bed behind your legs, causing you to lose your balance and nearly fall backwards. Ronan however stopped you from falling and lifted you up, to carry you in bridal-style, like you had weighed as much as a feather. He lifted you a bit higher so your eyes were at the same level with his and after staring into your eyes silently for a moment he finally lowered you on the bed and tucked you in.
- I’ll take a shower. he said and left the bedroom. You gasped for air because you had not dared to breathe since he had suddenly lifted you up to his arms. You stared at the ceiling in the dimly lit room and sighed. What on earth was happening?! Soon there was the sound of running water which stopped after few minutes, a silence and then footsteps. You closed your eyes, laying on your back and then you felt the bed shifting a little as Ronan sat on the edge of it.
- I used to be married. Ronan began and swallowed, staring at the wall. You opened your eyes and sat up, ending up quite close to him as he sat on the edge of the bed wearing just light pants and no shirt. “It was an arranged marriage” he said and after swallowing again, continued “A peace treaty… strengthened by a marriage.” His tone was silent and filled with longing and sadness.
- What happened? you asked softly, trying to decide whether you should dare to place your hand on his shoulder as a sign of support or not. Perhaps if he had been wearing a shirt but now… he wasn’t so… touching him felt too intimate. Although, honestly speaking, his skin looked very inviting and you were sitting so close to him that you were able to feel his warmth radiating from his body. You had seen him without a shirt many times before but never from this close proximity, not like this; the dim light playing with the well-defined muscles of his arms and back, softly caressing them and making him look mysterious and… mesmerizing.
- As we were tangled in politics… we were forced to invalidate our marriage when the peace treaty was cancelled. Ronan spoke with a silent, shaky tone. “Suddenly I was married to a woman that was supposed to be my enemy” he explained and dropped his head with a sigh.
- But she wasn’t. Right? you asked and when Ronan turned to look at you, you continued softly “Just your people and hers.”
- Made no difference. he commented, shaking his head a little. “Even though our arranged union had grown deeper and stronger with time” he stated bitterly, although his tone was now filled with silent grief instead of bitterness. The grief that had been kept hidden for a long time.
- I’m sorry. you sighed, still unable to decide if you should have comforted him physically somehow or if that was a bad idea. Then there was a long silence that felt depressing and unnatural as you traced his skin with your eyes and he sat still with his eyes closed.
- I was kind towards her. Ronan stated and turned to look at you, seeking for approval from you. “I cared for her and kept her safe” he said with a serious yet genuine look on his face.
- I believe you. you signed and placed your hand on his bare shoulder. Ronan shifted his gaze from your eyes to your hand. He shook a little when he felt your warm hand on his skin and you could feel his muscles tensing up but just as you were about to pull your hand away, he sighed and relaxed his shoulders. “Come, get some sleep” you said and made room for him. You had a double size bed that easily accommodated you both. Ronan lay down and got under his blanket while you lay under yours. He rolled on his back and you turned off the dim lamp beside the bed, on the nightstand.
After this life got significantly easier and even though some days were slightly rougher than others, you managed to find a new balance between you and Ronan. You shared long conversations and even the mighty Accuser started to laugh at your silly jokes, sometimes cracking jokes himself, although it became quite apparent that the Krees and humans had somewhat different taste of humor. You started feeling better, both physically as well as mentally, after you had moved from the sofa to the bed, which you shared with Ronan, sleeping on your own sides, under separate blankets, never crossing any lines. Besides all these things Ronan never called you a slave anymore, although in the beginning there were near-slips few times. He also sometimes got frustrated with his new status as your equal and not superior, but he never shouted to you or threatened you with violence, even verbally. He just turned away or went into a different room, took a timeout and then returned to continue the conversation with a calm mind.
The days turned into weeks, the weeks into seasons almost completely unnoticed. You had bought body paint from a store that specialized in costumes and theater makeup-supplies so Ronan was able to leave your apartment when he wanted, even during the daytime. It took quite many attempts to make Ronan’s face look normal with the beige super-foundation but with time you learned how to cover the blue skin tone perfectly without making his face look weird. Ronan was amused about the whole thing but he understood why he couldn’t just go out in the daylight without “the mask”. He wasn’t stupid and he didn’t want to get caught, especially now that life seemed to have found a peaceful path. Sure he sometimes longed for adventures and glorious battles but for now… this was enough.
Almost.
It was getting late, one chilly winter night. You were standing on your balcony, just breathing in the cold, humid air and listening to the silence like you sometimes did. It had been a busy, long week at work and now you were facing a week of paid winter-holiday which was more than welcomed because it had been ages since the last time you had had more than two days off in a row. You kept sipping warm tea from a large teacup while scanning the clouds for possible snowflakes. However there were none floating down. “Oh well, one can dream” you thought and sighed. Soon Ronan joined you and walked next to you, to lean to the balcony casually like he had many times before. However this time there was clearly something on his mind. Something that he had to say but didn’t quite know how to say it.
You felt butterflies in your stomach every time he came close even though he had not even hugged you since that one evening. Yes, Ronan had kept a polite distance, constantly making sure that no lines would be crossed even when you were sleeping in the same bed and you occasionally snuggled closer to sleep right next to him, sometimes wrapping your arm around him or so. You did not even know that you had done so because Ronan had always gotten up from bed before you and he had never brought it up, afraid that it would embarrass you… like it would have. You just woke up, surprised that you were sleeping on Ronan’s side but assumed that you had rolled in your sleep after Ronan had left the bed… besides it did not happen regularly or anything. Anyway, you had grown fond of Ronan, developed a huge crush on him actually, but you had never had courage to voice your feelings since Ronan did not seem to share them in anyway. Sure, he was kind and polite, a good friend, but nothing more so there was no reason to ruin that with some pathetic, childish confession.
- Could you… Ronan began with a shy, soft tone. You turned to look at him, baffled yet curious expression on your face and then he continued by asking “…Ever fall in love with a man like me?” He shifted his eyes from the clouds to you and scanned your expression, looking for any clues that would tell him what you were thinking.
- What did you say? you asked, your face and voice puzzled and surprised.
- I’ve always assumed that I’m not… a lover. he spoke nervously, paused to inhale sharply and continued. “I’m a man of war and destruction, never loved anyone…” he said and added “…But I think… I’ve fallen in love with you.” You were speechless and stared at him with your mouth slightly ajar. “This feeling… it is bizarre… yet…” he explained, clearly struggling to put his thoughts into words but he soldiered on like a proper warlord should, not as eloquently like a gentleman would have but still; he had decided to address the matter that consumed his thoughts every waking moment and ruled his dreams at night. “…Yet it is… good” he stated and nodded.
- Good? you asked softly, your voice trembling a little as you spoke.
- Warm… tingly… I feel silly when you smile at me. It is bizarre indeed. he stated, not really sure how he felt about it. You started to chuckle lightheartedly and shifted your gaze from him to the clouds again, noticing a tiny snowflake floating slowly and gracefully down on your face.
- Yes, I am aware of the ridiculousness of my feelings. Ronan muttered, his voice revealing that he was slightly upset because of your reaction. “I suppose the answer is no, then” he mumbled with a barely audible, yet clearly disappointed tone as he was about to leave the balcony and head back inside. However, you turned, grabbed his hand and stopped him from leaving. “I already have” you stated while trying to establish eye contact with the tall man. He turned his head and focused his gaze at you, not really sure if he had heard correctly what you had said.
- Have… what? he asked, his voice trembling, filled with hope and despair at the same time.
- Fallen in love with you. you said and added “That is what you asked, wasn’t it?” Your tone was filled with nervousness because you were afraid that you had misunderstood him and made a fool out of yourself. “Have you… fallen in love with me?” you asked with the same tone that was filled with insecurity.
Ronan let go of your hand and placed his both hands on your waist. He pushed you against the railing of the balcony, trapping you between his large body and the structure. He stared into your eyes with such intensity that it made you feel lightheaded. You stared back, drowning into his beautiful purple eyes as you tried to find signs as well as clues from them, hoping that you would get a confirmation soon. Ronan moved his hand from your waist to your neck and cupped your face while devouring your lips with his eyes, revealing a hungry spark filled with suppressed desire and longing.
His caressed your cheek with his thumb and then moved it on your lips, which he rubbed softly as well as roughly, varying time to time. You kept staring at him, fully hypnotized, fallen under his charms, just waiting for him to make his move. Ronan waited for a moment before leaning closer, teasing you and tricking you to think that he was going to kiss you… but then he didn’t. He let out a deep, mischievous chuckle that made your skin fill with Goosebumps and then tilted his head and slammed his lips against yours. He placed his knee between your legs and pinned you against the railing in order to have you completely at your mercy as his mouth devoured yours, sometimes sucking your lower lip and even biting it. He kissed you hungrily, in the most possessive ways, sliding his tongue deep into your mouth and denying breath from you while his hand kept your head in place and the other traveled on your body shamelessly.
- Oww! you gasped when Ronan cupped your breast and squeezed it rather hard. “Stop! Hold on.” you said and pushed him away.
- What? Ronan asked with a confused look on his face.
- You must be gentle with me. you stated, panting between the words.
- I am… not… gentle. Ronan stated and furrowed his brows.
- Well, you’d better learn to be then. you stated, your tone both firm and flirtatious, filled with desire and mysteries, took Ronan’s hand and led the tall man from the chilly balcony into the cozy warmth of your small apartment…