Thranduil / Reader (9) - Option A "To go on" (Haldir)
"To go on"...
You went to a place called the Halls of Mandos where your spirit would rest before passing over to Valinor which was the home of the elves and couldn’t be reached without permission and a pure spirit. The Halls of Mandos was a peaceful and silent place, trapped in eternal twilight where the spirits of the fallen ones wandered around, waiting to be judged and reincarnated into the bodies that were identical to those of their prior life. You were there too, somewhere between the previous life and the next and you knew that you wouldn’t be able to join your ancestors, the elves of your mother’s side, before you had found peace and your spirit had been cleansed.
You went through your life over and over again, evaluated your every decision from a point of view of an outsider. It was so funny how now that you were not in the middle of your life anymore and consumed by your lust for revenge you could see the bad choices that you had made and the utter foolishness of holding onto the destructive, poisonous feelings that had eventually led to your death. You were sad that your life had ended before turning five hundred, but even though you had been very young for an elf, you had still lived longer than your father and seen many generations of your people come and go. So even though you had been very young for an elf, you felt old because you had seen so much death during your days. However you were not bitter anymore, it had been the first thing that had abandoned you during your stay in the Halls of Mandos.
You did not exactly know whether time passed or not while you were there and it doesn’t really matter anyway because there was no going back to Middle Earth since your physical body had drowned and your spirit had left the world behind. Now you had all the time in the world to self-reflect your decisions, actions and reactions until you would become whole again and could join the elves in Valinor. Unless of course your lust for revenge and bitterness had stained your spirit so much that you would be sentenced to stay in the Halls of Mandos until the end of time.
Time passed, slipped away completely unnoticed in the never ending twilight until one day you opened your eyes and realized that you were standing in sunshine, staring into the horizon. You were standing on the beach, just at the waterline so every time a wave rushed ashore your toes and ankles got caressed by the water that was warm and glimmered in the sunshine. You stared into the horizon and little by little your senses woke up until finally you were completely awake. You heard seagulls screaming in the distance as well as the sound of waves, combined to the gentle rustle of the leaves as the wind danced with the tree branches.
- Welcome, my lady. you heard an elven lady saying. She was standing behind you, a couple of meters away. You however did not turn to look because you were still struggling a little to understand where you were and what had happened to the twilight that you had gotten used to by now. You had no idea how long you had been there, could have been years or even many centuries, but you noticed that you felt lighter, like you had let go all the things that had haunted you and after that you had been reborn.
- What is this place? you asked with a shaky voice. It was strange to hear your voice because you had been just a spirit lingering in the twilight for so long that you had already forgotten how you had sounded. You had pretty much forgotten everything else too; what it felt like to feel the sunlight on your skin… well, basically what it had felt to feel anything… to breathe… to smell the air that carried different scents of your surroundings. You closed your eyes because they hurt a little, it was like you had been in a dark room and suddenly brought out into sunshine and all the bright colors and lights were blinding you.
- You have arrived home. the elf lady said softly.
- Is this… Valinor? you asked and gasped as a slightly bigger wave rushed ashore and the force of it almost made you lose your balance; after just floating around as a spirit you were also struggling with balance and your feet felt somewhat shaky.
- Yes, my lady. she spoke with a friendly tone. Another wave hit you and this time you lost your balance which caused you to stumble a little bit backwards, however you managed to avoid falling anyway, just barely though. “What is this?” you sighed with a somewhat frustrated tone because your clumsiness was making you a little irritated. “Do not be afraid, my lady” the elf lady said with the same friendly tone and then she continued
- You were in Halls of Mandos-
- How long? you asked immediately.
- Time does not matter here. the lady answered.
- I need to know. Please. How long? you pleaded, but did not turn to look at the elf behind you. You were fascinated, deeply mesmerized by the sea that went on and on and you couldn’t see the end of it.
- Long enough. the lady answered with a calm smile on her face and asked you to follow her. You turned to look at her; she was a gorgeous lady, wearing a pearly white gown that had long sleeves. They floated in the wind, as did her blonde hair that was decorated with flowers, which made her look almost magical.
- You are being expected, my lady. she said as you walked slowly side by side with her away from the shore into a forest that changed into an elven city which looked like a mixture of Lothlorien and Rivendell. You held your breath as you stared at the beautiful sight; the tall trees, white flowers, fountains… beautifully made pathways that led into wooden houses decorated with carvings There were skillfully made statues that basically glowed in the sunshine, gazebos and benches made of marble where the elves sat while chatting or paying instruments. The air carried a scent of the sea, trees, flowers and sweet fruits and you could hear an elf singing… her voice echoing beautifully, yet slightly hauntingly all around.
- Who is expecting me? you asked with a confused tone. The truth was that you had never met your ancestors because they had sailed beyond the sea, or died, before you had been born, leaving their daughter, your mother, behind.
- Patience, my lady. she said and gestured you to follow her into the elven city. You were wearing a pearly white gown, quite plain but still beautiful in a simple way but it made you stand out from the crowd because no one else was wearing such gown or robe. The elves that you passed turned to look at you and bowed as a greeting, some deeper than the others and few even welcomed to Valinor.
- This is your new home, my lady. Your maid is already waiting for you. the elf lady said and gestured you to walk into a beautiful house that was located by a lively stream, a bit further away from the busiest walkways and therefore you had some extra privacy, which was great. You thanked her and walked into the house that had been decorated with white flowers in full bloom. Your maid welcomed you and asked if you wanted to be called as “princess” or if “lady” was fine.
- You can call me (Y/N). you said, somewhat surprised that the maid had known who you were but maybe the wisest and the eldest of elves had known who had entered the Halls of Mandos and therefore they had been expecting you. Besides, some of the elves had visions of the future so it was not uncommon at all for them to know that you were coming home. Your maid gave you a short tour in house that looked like a small palace and then left you alone to rest for a moment. It was great to be alive again but you had not expected that it would be so much work and therefore it surely would take some time for you to get used to it.
The first a couple of weeks you slept and rested, walked in the surroundings of your house but you never went far because sometimes you got exhausted all of a sudden and had to sit down, even on the ground if there was no bench nearby. You felt good mentally and your body got stronger every day but it was still very frustrating for you to be so weak. You had not visited the shore again but you had decided that as soon as you had regained your full strength you would go there to sit and just stare at the sea. The good thing in being a high elf, not so distant relative to Lady Galadriel, was that you pretty much could spend your days in any way you wanted; you did not have to do chores or work and now that you did not even have a people to rule, you could pretty much sit in the garden and read which was something that you had not been able to do for a long time.
Sure you were only a half-elf because you father had been a mortal man, one of the few remaining dunedains in fact, although it had never really impressed your mother and therefore you assumed that it was the general opinion among the elves. However… since your mother was related to Lady Galadriel, it raised your ranks immediately and therefore you had been invited to dine with Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn as soon as you felt like it. “Our door is always open to you” the lady had said when they had come to meet you in your house soon after you had settled in.
No one ever talked about your mother but it was quite clear that she would never reach Valinor because she had betrayed her own daughter, stolen the throne and that way put herself into such shame that there was no time long enough to spend in the Halls of Mandos to cleanse her spirit. The thought made you sad but also relieved because even though you did not hate her and there was a part of you that understood why your mother had acted the way she had and therefore you had even forgiven her, but it didn’t mean that it wouldn’t be awkward if you had bumped into her one day on your daily walk.
One day you were walking in the elven city, daring a bit further away than the usual and therefore you had lost the track of time as well as been unable to estimate your strength. It was such a lovely day and you just wanted to take it all in and enjoy it before the summer turned into autumn and eventually into winter. You were just passing a blonde elf-man who was wearing a gray tunic and reading a book on a bench when you suddenly felt like your feet were going to give in and your consciousness was about to abandon you. The man stood up immediately, ran to your rescue and managed to catch you before you fell on the grass. After holding you in his arms for a moment he helped you to walk to the bench, to sit down and then he pulled you to lean on him while you gathered your strength. He was sitting next to you with his torso turned to you and you rested your head against his shoulder as you fought passing out completely. His arm was holding you firmly, yet gently and modestly but it was easy to tell that he, whoever he was, was very strong.
- My lady? he asked with a concerned tone and then continued “Is something wrong?” You drew back a little and rubbed your forehead because your head felt still a bit dizzy.
- My sincerest apologies for the inconvenience, my lord. you said and then raised your head to meet the eyes of your helper. He had soulful blue eyes that were framed with dark lashes and dark eyebrows. He had long golden hair and slightly round face which made him look kind and friendly… however when he had caught you just in time you had been able to note that he was very strong, most likely a great warrior who had fallen in a battle. He was tall, had quite broad shoulders and he had a perfect posture, on top of it all he had a very strong, yet stoic aura which made you feel rather safe and comfortable in his presence.
- What inconvenience, my lady? he asked with a small smile on his face.
- Well this, falling into the arms of a complete stranger. you commented and laughed a little.
- Yes, that was unexpected but I did not mind at all. he said and chuckled a little before adding “However, I would have minded if I had not caught you, my lady.” His voice was sincere, just as sincere as the look on his face when he stared into your eyes and tried to find clues about whether you were alright or not. “Are you alright?” he asked after you had stopped laughing nervously.
- Yes, I am. I just… walked a little bit too far. you replied and nodded reassuringly.
- Ah, I see. You have just arrived. No wonder I haven’t seen you around before. he said with a soft tone. “But I must say that you look very familiar, have we met before?” he asked curiously, yet politely. You went through your memories and tried to pinpoint a situation where you could have met him but since your previous life felt still like a distant dream due to the fact that you had been in the Halls of Mandos for a long time and therefore it was still challenging to recall details of your previous life, you were unable to give him an answer.
- I’m sorry but… you said and sighed as you slowly shook your head. It was embarrassing that you couldn’t remember him because he was clearly looking at you in a way that made it quite apparent that he knew that he had met you before but just did not know where. You stared into his eyes like you had been under a spell; he had kind eyes and handsome features, he was calm and this calmness made you feel calm as well. The blonde elf kept staring into your eyes, trying to imagine how you had died and hoping that it had not been painful, he kept wondering what your life had been like and where he had seen you before but the deeper he stared into your eyes, the more lost he got into them and finally he had to admit to himself that he wouldn’t find his answers… not now at least.
There was hidden sadness in your eyes although the stranger was convinced that surely you usually hid it well with a ladylike smile but this moment… here and now, you let him see beyond the surface. He did not care whether you let him see straight into your soul by an accident or not. He saw silent melancholy but also a strong spirit, a person who felt deeply… burned with a bright flame… dangerous… alluring… different from the elves he had met before. The moment went on and it felt like the surrounding world would have stopped existing altogether as you stared into the blue depths of his eyes and he stared into your eyes that sparkled in the sunshine like precious gemstones. The man brushed a runaway lock of your long, silky hair behind your ear and brushed accidentally your ear when he did that. His thumb brushed your cheek very softly as he removed his hand, now that the strand was not partially covering your face anymore.
- I should go. you stated as the sound of chatting elves walking closer woke you up from the moment. The blonde man recoiled from his thoughts instantly as well and smiled a little as he nodded. “I will walk you home” he stated immediately because he was worried that you might faint on your way home. He was a very honorable man and therefore he couldn’t take a risk that you would possibly hurt yourself, however if you refused his offer he wouldn’t force you to tolerate his company against your will because above all else he was a gentleman. “Uhm” you sighed and smiled politely as you shifted your gaze away from him. The thing was that you found the blonde, stoic elf who was sitting next to you on the bench very handsome and charming and this attraction made you nervous; you had never shared such long look with anyone and in that moment when he had stared deep into your eyes, it had felt like he had seen straight into your soul. This, his ability to see beyond your calm, polite surface intrigued and terrified you at the same time and therefore you said “There’s no need” with a slightly hesitant tone before you had even thought it through.
- Are you absolutely certain? he asked. He had seen your strength abandoning your body just all of a sudden and if he had not been there to catch you, you would have fallen to the ground and possibly hit your head. Besides you had almost lost your consciousness as well and for the first seconds that he had held you in his arms you had seemed very dizzy and absent. This however was not the first time that you had almost fainted because you had exceeded your limits and therefore you knew that you had managed to regain your strength enough during the time that you had been sitting with the handsome elf on the bench.
- Yes. I am deeply touched for your concern but I assure you, I’ll be fine. you answered and smiled as you stood up. The blonde elf stood up as well and bowed deep when you wished him a lovely day. Then you left and when you had walked a little further away, you stopped to take a quick glance over your shoulder; the man had sat down and returned to his book, which was a sight that made you smile and the planned quick look turned into a long stare. You imagined that he had seen many battles, plenty of horrible things and to see him in peace like that made you feel calm as well. Suddenly the man raised his gaze from the book and took a quick glance at you, however when he noticed that you had caught him staring at you, he immediately returned to read his book.
Also you turned your head away immediately and continued walking forward because you were slightly embarrassed for being so bold and staring at him… although he was the first man whom you would have loved to stare even more; resting against his shoulder had made your skin tingle and thinking about his delicate features made you smile… which was also something that you had never experience before… but anyway, staring at him and then getting caught red-handed was embarrassing because your behavior had indeed been too bold. What you did not know however was that soon after you had turned your head away, the stoic man had taken another secret, long look at you and the sight of you walking gracefully in your gorgeous gown made him smile.
You were very beautiful in his opinion and there was a certain kind of roughness in you that fascinated him greatly. Sure you were an elf and looked like one but there was something about you that made you different from the elf ladies that he had met before. The blonde, handsome elf was one of the few people who did not know who you were but he was entirely sure that he had met you before during his previous life which made you like an enchanting enigma that he wanted to solve. Yes, he had spent only a brief moment with you on that bench but that moment had managed to capture him in ways that no other meeting had ever captured him and therefore he looked forward to meeting you again.
- Where have you been? your maid asked you when you reached home with a heartwarming smile on your face. You couldn’t stop thinking about the man and the truth was that you did not even want to stop thinking about him. You however hid your smile when you saw the worried expression on your maid’s face; you had never been gone this long and it had made your maid anxious.
- Walking around. you replied casually and sat down to rest for a moment. The maid brought you a glass of water and just as she was going to ask if you were fine or scold you for going so far, it after all was quite clear that you were exhausted, you gestured her not to say anything because you did not need a lecture, especially from your maid, although you knew that whatever she would have said, she would have been right… possibly… probably… fine, most likely.
- Do you know… by any chance… who that tall, blonde elf-lord is? you asked after emptying the glass. The water was very cold and made you feel refreshed instantly. You had tried to keep your voice as neutral as possible but you had not been able to hide the curiosity entirely.
- Which one, my lady? the maid asked with a slightly puzzled tone.
- The one with blues eyes. you replied and the same delighted and dreamy smile appeared on your face.
- I am sorry, you must be a bit more specific than that. the maid chuckled. You could hear that she was amused by the lack of details that you had provided her, she after all had always lived among the elves and therefore “blonde hair and blue eyes” was not really helpful for her. Valinor was filled with elves that fit into that description which was something that you had not gotten quite used to yet; you had always lived among the mortals who had come in all shapes and sizes and if you had asked the same question in your realm, everyone in the court would have known whom you had been talking about. This would have been due to the fact that there had not been that many elves visiting your realm and you, your mother and her few closest ladies in waiting had been the only elves living there.
- I suppose you’re right. you commented and chuckled as you realized that it indeed was impossible to specify anyone according to the description you had just given. “Let’s see” you mumbled and leaned back in the chair as you went through the moment when you had been sitting with him; what more specific there had been?
- He is tall and handsome, built like a warrior but has a kind face and very delicate features. Long, golden-blond hair, braided from the back. you described, took a deep breath and continued with a deeply thoughtful tone “He has soft voice and he speaks eloquently.” Your maid looked still quite puzzled and suddenly you recalled something about him that surely set him apart from many others.
- He was very calm. you stated suddenly. “Very… stoic and… his presence made me feel calm as well” you added and shifted your gaze to the maid who was clearly trying to solve your puzzle as well as she could.
- He was reading on a bench, under a tree… not too far from here. you continued hoping that your description was detailed enough. You could have added that he had been polite and gentlemanlike, graceful and considerate but those qualities would have fitted almost all elves in Valinor. Your maid went through the elf-lords that she knew with a deeply concentrated look on her face and then suddenly she exclaimed “Ah!” and shifted her eyes to you.
- I think I know whom you’re talking about, my lady. she continued with an enthusiastic tone.
- Wonderful! you exclaimed and then asked “Who is he?” with a tone that made it rather clear that you really wanted to know. Your eyes were basically sparkling as you stared at your maid, waiting for her to tell the answer.
- Oh, I’m sorry, my lady, but I do not know him. You see, he has not been here that long. the maid explained with a slightly apologetic tone.
- Oh. you sighed with a somewhat disappointed voice and then added “That’s alright” with a smile because you did not want your maid to feel bad for not knowing everyone in Valinor.
- But I think that he is from Lothlorien, my lady. the maid said and dropped a curtsy when someone knocked the door. She walked to the front door of your house, opened it and after a moment she walked into the kitchen.
- Who was it? you asked curiously as you leaned forward, almost like you had been ready to jump to greet a visitor if there should be one. The truth was that you had secretly hoped that it would have been the tall elf-lord and therefore your heart had basically skipped a beat or two when you had heard the knock.
- Oh, it was just the delivery. the maid replied and put the basket of fresh fruits on the kitchen table. You sighed and sank back into the comfortable armchair.
The weeks passed and the summer started to turn into an autumn. You saw the handsome elf with golden hair occasionally but you never got a chance to talk with him, well, nothing more than a few words anyway since now that you had returned to your full strength you were quite busy meeting other high lords and ladies. You dined with Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn at least once a week and there were also other dignitaries from Rivendell and other elven realms who wanted to get to know the elven ruler who had ruled mortals instead of elves.
You got so busy actually that you forgot the handsome elf almost entirely… or actually not… it was rather impossible to forget him because you had dreams about him… strange dreams in which you met him in a golden forest and he was wearing a gray cloak, carrying a bow and arrows. In the dream he had taken your hand and helped you gracefully on a path that had been occasionally challenging to walk on. He had not dared to look straight into your eyes then, but there had been a couple of times when your eyes had met and you had smiled at him… He had been with two other blonde elves, also clothed in gray cloaks… such an odd dream.
One day you were strolling with Lady Galadriel and you saw the elf again reading a book on the bench, like he usually did. You remembered instantly that your maid had said that the stoic, handsome elf was most likely from Lothlorien so you decided to ask Galadriel if she knew who he was. There was one problem however; you did not want to sound nosey or reveal that your interest was personal in nature. Yes, you did not know who the man was, not even his name, but you had a small crush on him anyway… or at least seeing him made you smile instantly, filled you with a warm feeling that you had never felt before and talking with him made you often stumble in your words as well as lose your train of thought.
- Lady Galadriel, do you know who he is? you asked and subtly pointed at the elf who was reading a book on the bench that was under a tree a bit further away. You had seen him there many times and therefore you had come to a conclusion that he liked that spot very much.
- He is Haldir. Warden of Lorien. the lady replied.
- My apologies, Lady Galadriel, but I do not know what that is. you commented with a slightly embarrassed tone.
- He is one of my most trusted warriors. The defender of the Golden Wood and a very skillful archer. she replied with a tone that was filled with warmth and deep respect. You commented with a simple “I see” and smiled a little because your feeling about him had been correct; the elf-lord was a great and brave man, just like you had imagined him to be.
- I was deeply saddened when I heard that he had been killed in the battle of Helm’s Deep. Galadriel continued. You however did not comment because you had no knowledge of such war; you had faced your own death long before any of it had even happened and spent many centuries in the Halls of Mandos healing your broken spirit.
- But… it brings me great joy to see him here, in peace. the lady said and turned to look at you with a curious smile on her face.
- I thought he might be a warrior. you commented with a tone that was clearly filled with admiration, maybe more than it should have. “Oh, have you met him?” Galadriel asked curiously. “Only a couple of times, very briefly” you replied casually, still trying to hide your personal interest and attraction towards the man. The truth was however that you had started to walk past the bench regularly… just to increase your chances of running into him.
- Clearly he has made a good impression. Galadriel commented as she tried to read your expression and decipher your feelings… especially your feelings towards the elf with the golden hair. The statement made you blush and smile a little, although you wouldn’t have wanted to be so open about the secret attraction.
- Haldir is a fine man. One of the finest actually. Galadriel stated which was a statement that made you smile even more. “But he is a Silvan elf” she continued and her smile faded away as her face turned serious. “Silvan?” you sighed because you had not been taught the differences of the elven clans.
- Yes. A commoner while you on the other hand are one of the high elves. Lady Galadriel spoke with a soft, yet firm tone. You gasped sharply as you heard Galadriel stating that Haldir was a commoner. “Your mother is the granddaughter of my brother” she continued and put her hand on your shoulder.
- And I am just a half-elf, my father was a mere mortal. you commented with an overly polite and calm tone.
- Your father was one of the dunedain, which is the long line of great kings. Galadriel stated with a warm, yet assertive tone.
- Great fallen kings. you commented and shrugged your shoulders, you had actually just quoted your mother who had always despised her fate to marry a mortal, no matter how great the line was… or in this case, had once been.
- Not fallen! Aragorn, son of Arathorn, is ruling Gondor as we speak and his son will rule long after him. I assure you, the line of your father still lives on. the lady spoke and then added “You are the daughter of great rulers.” but when she said that, instead of being delighted, your expression looked even more defeated which made Galadriel suspect that you were attracted to Haldir, which was a bit absurd in her opinion since you had not known who he was or heard his story.
- You could have married the king of Mirkwood. she said and sighed. “And now you have fallen in love with a commoner” she continued and shifted her eyes from Haldir to you. You swallowed once as you struggled to keep your emotions in control. You were not in love with Haldir, not yet at least because you did not even know him, but hearing that there were such rules and ranks made you feel angry, well, mostly just sad and disappointed but there was a slight undertone of anger as well. But it was not just that; you were hurt also because you had had a feeling that Haldir could have been a man that you could have fallen in love with and you had actually dreamed about getting to know him better… to see if he was the man that you could give your heart to.
Galadriel sighed as she noticed the runaway tear falling on your cheek from the corner of your eye; it was quite clear that you were a half-elf because you showed your emotions more openly, even when you tried to hide them, compared to the elves who were calm and appeared almost emotionless. Galadriel apologized and assured that she had not said the things that she had said to hurt you to which you responded by simply wiping the tear off your cheek. She decided to try and cheer you up by stating
- I’ve heard a rumor that Legolas, the son of Thranduil, is soon sailing across the sea. He is a skillful warrior. Maybe I could arrange-
- I’m sure he is but… No. With all due respect, Lady Galadriel, I will not allow you to arrange anything. you said, added “Especially with the son of Thranduil” and after dropping a curtsy you stormed away. You had never met Legolas but you had heard great stories about him and therefore you were absolutely certain that he was a fine prince but still, your hand had been promised to one member of the Mirkwood’s royal family and that was quite enough. If you were not allowed to fall in love with the person your heart desired, you would not marry anyone… ever. After all, you were not scared of loneliness and you did not need a companion to make your life worthwhile.
Haldir saw you talking with Galadriel and then storming away in a way that was very odd for an elf. He had seen you around, chatted with you a couple of times and he had become attracted to you even though he did not even know your name. He had not asked around about you because in his opinion it would have been slightly rude and he was afraid that he would appear too bold if he had done that. He however had started to sit on the bench more often, just to increase his chances to meet you again and had decided to get to know you because there was something about you that fascinated him very much, besides he still had a feeling that he had met you before.
Suddenly Haldir remembered that there was going to be celebration of starlight very soon, in the beginning of October when it was the harvest-time and you would surely be there. He made up his mind that he would ask you to dance and maybe even invite you to watch the stars to the shore of the sea where he loved sit, just staring at the waves… or stars. He knew that there was a possibility that you were one of the high elves and then there would be no hope for him, even despite the fact that he had been the commander of the Lothlorien army… but as long as no one told him that you were a member of a royal house, there was hope… and for now, hope was all he needed.