Joe MacMillan / Reader - Part 3
You arrived to the airport of (the city in another country) and after getting your luggage you stepped out to the surroundings that you had never visited before. The air smelled different and even though you could see familiar things such as bus stops and taxis you felt like you had been taken from your world, the world that you knew, to another. In this world however you were almost completely dependent on Samuel, your ex, and that was an idea that you did not like so much. You had not been in any contact with him since the beginning of July, after moving out from the spacious apartment that you had shared with him for three years and when he had called you a couple of days ago you had not expected it at all.
Samuel had indeed contacted your family to get the number of your new cell phone. He had also asked quite frankly if you still missed him and whether there was someone new in your life or not. The thing was that your family had always liked Samuel very much, basically adored him, and therefore the breakup had been almost worse for them than it had been for you. Sure your heart had broken and you had been somewhat bitter in the beginning but then quite soon you had been able to pick up the pieces and move on. The relationship with Samuel had not been based on great passion anyway so in a way breaking up had been just another smart decision in the series of smart, practical decisions. The reason why you had moved to live together with him in the first place had been to save in apartment costs and that pretty much summarized the nature of your relationship with him; practical, something that worked for both of you and made you fairly happy.
You had never really asked for more romance and passionate love, mostly because there had not been such love between your parents. You had been artistic and yearned to be up on the stage but then you had met Samuel in your first job as a teacher and you had been pretty much forced to give up your hobbies to have more time for your work and Samuel, who basically had spent time with you when he had wanted to… which was pretty much all the time, but despite of spending plenty of time together, neither of you had been passionately in love and thinking about it now, after more than six years, it made you somewhat sad… especially because you had met Joe who was completely different and he was very generous with his attention. Oh, when you talked with Joe you felt like the entire world was listening to you and you were not that wallflower anymore.
You had not always been a wallflower, oh no, you had been a person with big dreams and plans for your future but then you had met Samuel and for some reason you had just fallen into the mold that he had given you and during the years of being with Samuel you had changed into a person who did not go out with her friends… and did not even try to make new ones; the wallflower who stood in the sidelines quietly and lived in the shadow of her husband. Samuel had suggested it many times, that once you and him got married you would become a housewife who took care of the household and the kids, if you ever got any. You however had not liked the idea because you had career goals as well and when you had been employed at the (your favorite) University it had actually put an enormous amount of stress between you and Samuel. It had been almost like Samuel had suddenly realized that you did not fit the perfect picture after all and therefore he had not even asked you to move abroad with him.
Now you were here, in (the city abroad) and you did not really even know why exactly you had come. It had been a moment of weakness and the element of surprise that had made it impossible for you to refuse the invitation. It had also sparked a small glimmer of hope, a tiny “what if” that had pushed you into the airplane. Six years after all was a long time to be with someone and you lately you had started to feel that you had wasted those years of your life. Then Samuel had called and invited you over and even though you had been baffled as well as surprised, a little voice had told you to seize the opportunity so the six years wouldn’t have been completely for nothing.
Samuel waved his hand at you and called you by your name to gain your attention. He had come to pick you up from the airport to save you the trouble of using public transportation in the unfamiliar city, in the country where people spoke a language that you did not understand. You got into the car and Samuel drove you both to downtown where he lived, just next to a park that looked absolutely gorgeous. He helped you with your luggage after parking his car into an underground garage and then led the way into his big apartment that was located in the top floor of the apartment building. It had a great view over the city and when you stepped out on the balcony you could hear the traffic and smell the different scents that floated in the air; the neighbor cooking with their window open, the nearby restaurants, the car-fumes, the park nearby… Samuel joined you after a moment and asked you whether you wanted to sleep in the guestroom. “It has been a long time” he stated and hugged you from behind but instead of feeling butterflies in your stomach, you felt somewhat nauseous. This had been a mistake.
Samuel had the entire Christmas planned out for you and him; he took you in concerts and other events, to fancy restaurants and museums, which was great of course but it felt like he was just basically trying to fill the time with all these activities so it wouldn’t get so obvious that you and him had drifted quite far apart during the past months. You exchanged gifts and shared meaningless conversations but for you it became painfully obvious that if there ever had been any chemistry between you and him, it was long gone. Most likely it had died a long time before the breakup… when you had gotten too comfortable and stopped wanting more. No, you did not blame Samuel for anything because you knew that you had been there, making the decisions and settling with mediocre, not even really working to make things better between you and him.
Samuel had tried to kiss you a couple of times during the week between the Christmas Eve and the New Year’s Eve but you had always managed to dodge the situation because the truth was that you were just waiting to get home but you had been too polite to change the flight and cut the visit short. Samuel after all had paid a lot for the tickets, although it was more than obvious that he was getting paid very well here, well according to the fancy lifestyle he was living now; penthouse apartment in the heart of the city, brand new car, the dinners in expensive restaurants and so on so basically two flight tickets in the economy class did not even rock his budget. But still, he had organized everything and was paying pretty much everything as the Christmas present for you.
It was the New Year’s Eve and you both were in rather festive mood. It had been a little bit less awkward day and you were ready for some celebration. It was getting later and Samuel had told you earlier that there was going to be a party at the university where he was teaching and he had been invited with his “plus one”. He had naturally told about you to his colleagues and everyone was waiting to meet you in person. “My smart and beautiful fiancée” Samuel said and suddenly knelt in front of you, took a small wooden box out from his pocket and opened it. “I know that you probably did not expect this” he said and then continued with a hopeful tone “but as you can see, we still have it… the spark and I believe that we could be happy together.” You stared at him with a deeply confused look on your face, unable to say anything. Samuel continued talking how you could move here and he would support you both. “You do not even have to work!” he exclaimed and then repeated the question “What do you say (Y/N)? Will you, (your full name), marry me?”
You stared at Samuel and finally you managed to say “no”. He shifted his eyes elsewhere from you with a deeply puzzled and hurt… no, offended look on his face. After a couple of seconds he stood up, told you that you were an ungrateful bitch and stormed out from the apartment, leaving you alone and stating that he would go, get drunk and find someone to get laid because you had not rewarded him for his generosity in any way. You held your breath until the echo of the slammed door faded and then gasped for air. “How the hell did this happen?” you asked yourself many times and sat down for a moment.
You sat in silence for a few hours and then decided to go and check the flights as well as the hotels on the computer. You couldn’t stay at Samuel’s and therefore you would try to reschedule your flight or make a reservation for a hotel room… Anything would do so you wouldn’t have to look into Samuel’s eyes for… four days. It was Monday, the New Year’s Eve and your flight departed on Friday. It was going to be long four-days if you had to spend it with Samuel. You turned on the computer and connected to the Internet but just as you were about to find hotels in the city you noticed an mIRC icon on the desktop Joe had talked about many times.
You clicked it and started the chat software what Joe usually used for chatting with his online-buddies. You typed in your alias “EngTeach”, not very creative but it was better than “hotgirl69” or such, and then logged in. The list of chatters loaded on the right side of the screen and when you scrolled the list down, you saw the nickname “Joester_99” active. You clicked the name and opened a private chat-window to talk with him privately.
- Joe? Is that you? Joe MacMillan? you typed with shaky fingers and hit enter. The message appeared on the screen and for a couple of minutes there was no response.
Joe was just about to close the mIRC chat-program when he saw a new private chat window opening. He did not know the alias “EngTeach” but after ignoring the message for almost a couple of minutes, he decided to at least ask who was asking. It was clear that whoever the person was knew him by his name and it made Joe very curious.
- Yes, this is Joe. Who are you? he typed and read the message aloud with a curious tone. He watched his message appearing under the first one and soon there was an answer to his question.
- I’m (Y/N). Hi, Joe and greetings from (city in another country). you replied, hoping that Joe would have a moment to chat with you.
- (Y/N)! What a surprise! he replied and laughed as he typed the message. You sighed relieved that he had recognized you, despite the fact that you probably were the last person he had expected to meet online.
- Yeah, I suppose it is. Me…. in a chat-room. Who would have believed? you commented and leaned back in Samuel’s work-chair. Joe stared at the screen and for a moment he was unable to write a response. He had tried not to think about you during the holidays since you were spending yours with your ex but despite his all efforts you had ruled his thoughts during the times he had been awake and even his dreams when he had been asleep.
- A couple of months ago… no one? Especially me. you added because Joe was not typing anything.
- Ha-ha! True. So, how are you? Joe typed and pressed “enter” to send the message. He did not really know whether he really wanted to know how awesome your Christmas had been but it was the only natural, or normal, thing to ask to keep the conversation going. You stared at the question and sighed deeply; should you tell Joe about the awkward Christmas… the proposal or should you just avoid the subject completely?
- Fine I suppose. you answered hoping that no further questions followed although you realized after sending the message that your response had not exactly sounded very cheerful. Joe sighed when he read the message. “Fine I suppose” he said aloud few times. He said it with a normal tone and with a cheerful tone but whatever he tried, it did not sound too happy. He knew that you always, well most of the time, chose your words very carefully and therefore he asked
- Why aren’t you out celebrating?
You swallowed once as you stared at the question on the screen. You felt your emotions, feeling of extreme loneliness and some sort of hopelessness, getting too much to keep inside and soon the first tear rolled on your cheek from the corner of your eye making your festive eye-liner getting partially smudged. Joe stared at the screen and waited for you to say something but there was only silence, or lack of messages to be more specific, and it made him feel somewhat worried.
- Are you there? he asked and held his breath until a new message appeared to the chat-window.
- Samuel proposed. you typed after hesitating for a minute or two. Joe dropped his head and removed his fingers from the keyboard. He chuckled bitterly and swallowed once to keep his emotions in check. The truth was that he regretted that he had let you go so easily. He had been thinking about it the entire Christmas and come to a conclusion that he should have invited you to spend the Christmas with him… maybe that way you would have fallen in love with him instead of getting back with your ex. Yes, Joe MacMillan had fallen in love with your during the autumn semester, during all those short breaks and random chats, and when he had asked you out for a dinner, he had considered it as the first date… first of many he had hoped. Now however he was sitting silently, unable to say anything except
- I guess congratulations are in order.
- No, not really. you replied. You wanted Joe to know that you had not said “yes” even though you did not know what Joe’s feelings towards you were exactly. You did not know whether he considered you as his friend and that was it or were there some deeper feelings involved, a romantic attraction or something. Despite of everything, the lack of knowing what he felt for you, if anything, you had to make him understand that you and your ex were not back together and that your trip here had been a big mistake.
- Why not? Joe asked, hoping that you had refused the proposal but not really daring to make any assumptions based on your previous message.
- Because I said “no”. you clarified and sighed deep as you pressed enter. You were hoping that hearing this made Joe feel something… relief for example… but then again, you did not know if he had any feelings towards you.
- You… refused? Joe asked. He held his breath until he saw your message on the screen
- Yes.
- Why? he asked. You took your fingers away from the keyboard and rubbed then nervously together. You and Joe stared at the screen waiting for either to say anything. After a full minute of silence Joe typed
- Hey, it’s alright. You can talk to me.
You stared at the message and wiped your cheeks before beginning to type your message. You were not the fastest or the most accurate keyboard-writer in the world and therefore you had to erase the text and rewrite it many times, besides expressing yourself in written made you more aware or the things that you wanted to say and therefore it took a long time for you to form a message that really expressed your thoughts in the most eloquent and precise way. The thing was that when you spoke you tried to express yourself as well as possible but the reality was that you let the words come out as a stream of flowing thoughts but when you wrote something, you wanted the message to be perfect.
- Well, this Christmas has been a series of awkward moments. I’ve been sleeping in the guestroom because, well, quite frankly I just don’t love him. you typed and hit the enter. You had written and rewritten the message many times up to the point where you just did not care anymore. You just wanted to get it said.
- And I don’t think he loves me either. you added before Joe managed to write anything back.
- Why did he propose then? Joe asked. He stared at your message and smiled briefly as he read it over and over again; “quite frankly I just don’t love him” he read aloud and laughed a little.
- Because I am low maintenance. Easy… Dependable… Nice enough. you answered and sniffled. You did not really want to be either of those things but somehow your relationship with Samuel had gotten into that point where that was exactly what you had been “easy, dependable and nice enough” just like the relationship between you and him. Joe shook his head as he read your message. He felt angry at Samuel and sorry for you even though he did not even know anything about the relationship between you and your ex.
- He is wrong. You are none of those things in my opinion. Joe commented and sipped a little bit of sparkling wine that he had bought for the New Year’s Eve.
- Thanks. you said with a small smile on your face and then added
- But I suppose I was.
This however was not enough; you needed to explain yourself better and therefore you wrote a long message about how it all had began and how you had just… settled and did not even ask for more but then you deleted the message because you did not want to complain about everything to Joe and therefore you wrote instead
- He told me that he tried the dating life after moving here. He said that the women here are so difficult, requiring so much attention and it made him realize how good our relationship was.
- Yeah, good for him, I’m sure. Joe commented instantly. You chuckled a little and responded
- It had its moments. Nothing special but still alright… and I thought that it was how it was meant to be. That anything more was just foolish daydreaming.
- You deserve more than just “alright”. Joe stated, emptied his glass and filled it again. You felt relieved when you saw Joe’s message appearing on the screen because it made you feel more certain that you had made the right decision by refusing Samuel’s proposal.
- Do I? you typed and pressed enter to send the message. You kept scolding yourself for even coming here and the thought of being stranded in the strange country made you feel quite crappy. Samuel was the only person you knew here and you did not even have the key to his apartment so you could have gone out and enjoy the New Year’s Eve in your own way. No, Samuel had just stormed out and left you alone… as a punishment, sort of.
- Absolutely! Joe replied and cursed aloud that he had let you go. He did not blame himself because he had no control over your own actions or decisions but he felt that he could have talked you out from your ex’s plan… Joe after all had seen the deeply confused look on your face when Samuel had called you after the dinner. Joe’s reply felt very sincere to you even though you couldn’t see his face or hear the tone of his voice and that sincerity made you burst into tears.
- You are wonderful! Joe added, hoping that you knew it too but he had a feeling that you did not quite know it yourself… and Joe blamed Samuel for it.
- Thank you, Joe. you answered and then continued by saying
- You are pretty amazing yourself.
- Ha-ha, thank you. I was getting worried that you wouldn’t notice. Joe responded and then posted a wink-smiley which made you laugh.
- I can be a bit blind sometimes. you commented.
- And stubborn. Joe added with a tongue-out-smiley.
- Yes, that too. you admitted, told Joe that you would get something to drink and be right back. You got a bottle of sparkling wine out from the fridge, opened it and took a fancy glass that Samuel had taken out on the kitchen counter. You rationalized that he had bought the wine to celebrate the engagement but since there was no engagement, he had forgotten about it when he had stormed out to get drunk with friends. However you decided to skip the glass and enjoy the cold bubbly straight from the bottle. It was not like you were celebrating anything anyway. You returned to the computer and took a long sip from the bottle.
- So, where is… Samuel was it? Joe asked after you had let him know that you were back.
- Yes, Samuel. you commented.
- Where is he now? Joe asked. He had a feeling that you wouldn’t be chatting with him if Samuel was there with you so it meant that Samuel had left and you were now alone.
- He went out with his friends. you replied and took another sip.
- Left you alone on the New Year’s Eve? Joe asked. He scoffed and folded his arms. He did not know your ex but his first impression was not very positive one. It was no surprise that you had rejected his proposal!
- He got a bit angry because I refused his proposal. you stated and shifted your gaze elsewhere from the computer screen for a moment. The apartment had gotten fairly dark since you had not put any lights on and the only light was the pale glow from the screen. You took a quick look outside but there were no fireworks yet… but soon there would be.
- You know, after paying for the travel expenses and organizing everything here for Christmas. you explained because Joe was not commenting anything and you did not want to make Samuel look like a bad person. He really was not… he just was… different. Joe understood your point but then again, he didn’t because
- But he did all that without asking you, didn’t he?
- He did, but he assumed that it was what I wanted. you replied. It was true; Samuel had not asked you and he had made plenty of assumptions and like that had not been enough, he had contacted your family behind your back… especially keeping in mind that you and Samuel had not been in any kind of touch since the beginning of July.
- That I was still hoping that we could continue like nothing had happened, even though we haven’t been in touch since July. you typed and after reading the message through many times you pressed enter and stared at the message as it appeared on the screen. You saw Joester_99 typing a message and leaned back to wait what he was going to say.
- But he was wrong, right? Joe replied. He was hoping that you would just confirm it so he would know that there was some hope for him.
- Yes, and therefore he left to get drunk. you stated and then added
- Or to get laid, I don’t know.
- It was stupid of me to come here. I do not even know why I did that. you typed because Joe was not responding immediately. He was actually getting himself some snacks and a bottle of sparkling wine because he had a feeling that he was not going to leave the computer for a while… at least he hoped that he wouldn’t. Joe wanted to chat with you and maybe cheer you up a little. He couldn’t see your face or hear your tone but he had a feeling that you were a bit down, and he wasn’t blaming you.
- I remember the look on your face when he called. Joe commented. He had been thinking about that expression constantly and now he realized that there had been a hint of helplessness in it, almost like your life had suddenly gotten out from your hands and slipped into a direction that you had not chosen yourself.
- Yeah, that. He caught me off guard and I felt obliged to try again since he had gotten the ticket, I suppose. you replied, wondering why you had not just told him to suck a dick and leave you alone. It was not your problem that he had bought the tickets for you. You had not asked him to or given him any promises. It had been Samuel and Samuel alone and if you had a change to do it all over again, you would have refused his invitation, making sure once and for all that there was no future for you and him.
- But you don’t love him anymore… Joe typed and pressed “send”. He had to get a confirmation about it, just to be sure. He understood that you had been put under a pressure when Samuel had just announced that there was a ticket being delivered to you and it must have been too awkward to refuse the invitation even if you had wanted to… or maybe you had not wanted to. Yeah, maybe the call had sparked a glimmer of hope and you had wanted to check it out. But whatever the reason had been, what mattered the most was that you did not love Samuel anymore.
- Oh, gosh no! I gave him six years of my life. The scariest part is that if he had not been offered the professorship here, I would be married to him. you replied and then emptied half of the bottle of sparkling wine because even the thought of being married to Samuel… being his wife and living the life that he wanted you to live made you need a drink.
- Scariest-eh? Joe asked. He was thankful to Samuel who had put his career in the first place which had then ended the relationship between you and him. Otherwise you would have been married and unavailable for Joe.
- Yes, I mean… I finally see how different we were. you commented. You felt the bubbly going straight into your head, making you feel relaxed and a bit numb. Joe smiled at the screen and then commented
- It sounds to me that Samuel moving to (the city abroad) was a blessing in disguise.
- Yes and this past week has proved it. you stated instantly, although typing in the dark room was slow and you had to correct many typos before sending the message. You both were silent for a moment, wondering what this meant for you and him… if there was a chance to perhaps start something together. You both kept staring at the computer screens, you at your ex’s place and Joe at his home, until the silence got unbearable and Joe asked
- So what are you going to do now?
- I’ll try to change the flight and if I can’t… I’ll just check in to a hotel. you replied although you already knew that it was very unlikely to be able to change the flight so you would just find yourself a hotel or hostel room to stay until your flight left.
- When is your flight? Joe asked.
- On Friday, so it is… you typed and hit the enter by an accident.
- On the fourth. Joe said after a quick check from the calendar.
- Yeah, that’s right. you commented.
- Would you like me to fly there? Joe asked without thinking about the logistics and other practical things. They in his opinion did not matter. You were far away, yes, but still just one flight away and if you had to spend the remaining time there alone, Joe could easily join you. He had nothing to keep him in (the city you’re living). Joe’s suggestion made you smile but the reality was that there was not that much time and therefore
- Thanks but there’s no point. Even if you managed to get a flight for early tomorrow, you would be here very late and I am flying back on Friday, early. That would leave only two days, if you were lucky to get an early flight tomorrow.
- True, but I would still do it. Joe commented and checked out the flights to (the city abroad). There were only few and none of them were direct flights which meant that he should have waited many hours at some other airport for the connecting flight to (the city abroad).
- It’s okay, I need some silence and rest anyway. you said and added a smiling –smiley face to the message.
- Fair enough. Joe commented even though he did not like the idea of you spending the time alone.
- But thanks. That was very thoughtful of you. you said immediately. You were deeply flattered and touched because Joe had even considered the possibility and suggested it but the truth was that you needed some time alone. You needed to clear your head before returning to (the city you’re living), beginning the spring semester and most importantly facing Joe. You had a feeling that Joe liked you, more than just a friend and therefore you had shake the events of the past week off from your shoulders. You had to return to the serene mental state where you had been before traveling abroad because before Samuel calling you that Friday evening you had been mentally ready to start something new.
- Of course! Joe stated. He would have gotten into an airplane and flown to you immediately, despite the Y2K –problem and the risks it caused but he understood that you needed some time to think things through by yourself. He just hated the idea of you sitting alone in a strange apartment, basically trapped… celebrating, or more likely “not-celebrating” the New Year’s Eve all by yourself… just because some asshole couldn’t handle rejection. Neither of you said anything for many minutes because both of you just kept staring at the screen waiting for the other to say something and thinking about what was going to happen after you had returned to (your city).
- How was your Christmas? you asked Joe after five minutes of complete silence.
- Quiet, peaceful… Lots of reading. Joe replied immediately. You smiled at the screen because his answer made you feel closer to him mentally; despite all the differences, Joe liked to grab a book and read, which was your most beloved hobby as well.
- Really? Reading! What did you read? you asked immediately.
- The Hobbit, for example and now I am in the halfway of Silmarillion. Joe answered and smiled at the screen. He wanted to show you that he was not only capable of talking about Internet and there were also other things that he liked… that he was not that different after all.
- Oh? Well, Middle Earth is a great place to get yourself lost into. you commented. You had actually read the first half of the Hobbit during the long flight and you had planned to read the second half of the book on your way home.
- Yes, all the adventures, mighty lords… battles… Joe typed and then pressed “enter” to send the message.
- Any favorite character there? you asked and curiously waited for the answer. Joe stared at your question for a moment and leaned back in his chair before answering. He took a deep breath and then typed
- I must say… Thranduil.
- Really? you asked. You were surprised that he had named one of the characters that did not play such big role in the book. Especially because Thranduil was a somewhat steady character, not a fan of drama.
- Yes, even though he isn’t an important character. Joe commented.
- Why do you prefer him? you asked and then sipped some sparkling wine from the bottle. The wine had gotten pretty warm and all the bubbles were long gone but liked the taste… If something, Samuel had good taste in wines.
- And by the way, he is an important character, considering that he fights Sauron’s army in the Lord of the Rings. you added instantly when you remembered that the Elven-king had conquered the evil armies in the north.
- True, defends the northern lands et cetera. Joe stated. You smiled at the screen and laughed a little because the sparkling wine was making you a bit tipsy… well, relaxed at least.
- Anyway, he is… strong and steadfast. Wise and firm. Joe listed and after clicking “send” he quickly added
- And brave.
- He is one of my favorites as well for the same reasons. you commented and added a smiling-emoticon even though it felt very weird to use them; simple colon and parenthesis, or semicolon with parenthesis to make a winking face.
- I must admit that I thought that you might relate more to Thorin. you stated because Joe was not replying anything. He was actually getting himself some more sparkling wine because his bottle was now empty. Joe left his study and stormed into the kitchen, took a new bottle from the fridge and opened it. It foamed because Joe had not been careful with it and half of the bottle poured out to the floor. He cursed and put the bottle into the sink, took a kitchen clothe and wiped the floor as quickly as possible so he would get back to his computer.
- Are you there? you asked because it had been many minutes since Joe’s last message. In the meantime Joe was wiping the wine off the floor and after ten minutes he returned with the bottle to the computer.
- Yes, I’m here! he wrote and then read the previous question again. You sighed relieved when you saw Joe’s message appearing on the screen, letting you know that he had not gotten bored and just left. “I had a little episode with sparkling wine” he said and then apologized for disappearing the way he had. “No-no, don’t worry, I just wondered whether I had bored you to death” you replied with a wink-face to which Joe replied “never” with a wink.
- To answer your question; if you had asked me some years earlier, I would have said Thorin because he is proud and ambitious, a man with a mission. Joe replied and sipped some fresh, cold wine.
- Hm, that sounds more like you. you commented, but just as you hit “enter” you cursed aloud for saying such thing and therefore you hoped that Joe did not get offended because of your comment. There was plenty of good in Thorin but he had also woken up the sleeping dragon who had then burned the town of innocent civilians.
- But I have learned to appreciate peace and calm. I am not seeking conflicts anymore and I rather not burn bridges around me. Joe continued. He hoped that you were capable of seeing past his former self and focusing on the person that he now was… because he knew that there had been a time when he had been an asshole… a self-centered asshole to be more exact.
- You know I used to be like that. Joe added soon. You stared at the message on the screen and asked
- Like what?
- Not really caring about the casualties or the damage caused to the people around me. I was… driven by my vision… and greed. Nothing was enough and I always needed to be the best… To get “there” faster than the others. Joe explained, hoping that his honesty wouldn’t push you away. You sighed when you read the message. Yes, that had been the impression that you had gotten about him through the media but you were happy to see that he had was also capable of kindness and loyalty… that he was not anymore an ambitious back-stabber who only pretended to be your friend if that served his goals or benefited him somehow.
- Isn’t that tiring and consuming to live your life that way? you asked.
- Yes, it is, and that is why I want to be more like Thranduil; fighting for the good cause but still appreciate home as well as friendships. Joe answered and hoped that you would see the change in him as well, that he was not the same man that he had been many years ago.
- It sounds to me that you, Mr. MacMillan, have gone through some kind of character development yourself. you stated and added a smiling-face to point out that you were actually smiling. Chatting otherwise was very impersonal and emotionless and therefore there was no way to tell sarcasm from serious statement and so on… but on the other hand it was much easier to talk about personal or otherwise difficult topics like this when you did not have to look the other person into eye. Like this you were safe behind a screen… with thousands of kilometers between you and him… but it also made you feel lonely. However you would have surely felt lonelier if you had not been chatting with Joe. He was your link to your own life… he was a man who rather chatted with you than went out and partied.
- Yeah, so it would seem. Joe commented with a smiling smiley.
- Did you plan to grow long hair and use a crown made of autumn berries and red leafs? you asked with a winking-smiley. Joe burst into laughter when he read your message.
- Ha-ha! Only during autumn though. One has to be seasonal. Joe replied. You started to laugh as well as you imagined him in long hair and wearing a crown.
- True! you commented.
- I wonder what my students would think about it. Most likely they would laugh. Joe typed and clicked “send”.
- Probably, but I think you would look great in about anything. you commented.
You were getting pretty tipsy and that made you somewhat bold, more relaxed to say things that you wouldn’t have said otherwise and therefore you typed “Or wearing nothing at all”. But just as you were about to send it, you decided to erase it instead because you did not want to take the conversation into that direction… it was too early.
- Great, now I know what I am going to be next Halloween! Joe stated and sipped a little bit of wine.
- Sounds like a plan. you commented. After your comment there was a silence again. You both kept thinking about the other, staring at the computer screen, possibly hoping to be able to have this conversation face to face… to maybe step a bit closer… wrap arms around each other and then lean closer. You would stand on your tippy-toes because Joe was so tall and Joe would embrace you tightly, pretty much surround you because he had such broad shoulders and he was quite manly built overall. The silence continued almost ten long minutes until you asked
- So how come you’re not out partying?
- I did not feel like partying. Joe replied instantly. He had been invited to a party but then you had contacted him and now partying was the last thing on his mind.
- Just admit it, you were secretly hoping that I would get online. you joked and added a tongue-smiley.
- Ha-ha! Sure, stranger things have happened. Joe commented and then added immediately
- Or… not really.
- First time for everything. you stated. Joe stared at your message and chuckled a little.
- This is your first time chatting? Joe asked.
- Yes! you typed and pressed “enter”.
- Well in that case I am very honored to be your first. Joe commented and added a wink-smiley.
- You’re making me blush. you admitted and emptied the bottle to cool yourself down a little bit. The wine however did not quite help since it was room-temperature and alcohol was making you blush even more.
- Making you blush is better than making you cry. Joe stated.
- It sure is. you said and again the conversation dried out for a moment.
During these moments you both hoped that you could just fill the silence with long embraces and sweet kisses but of course, you did couldn’t be sure if Joe wanted the same thing… and Joe did not know if you wanted it too. You both basically wished the same thing, too shy to ask the other person what she or he was thinking or feeling and therefore both of you were left alone wondering… hoping that the other person was thinking about the same thing. You both sat in silence for almost twenty minutes until Joe typed a message and sent it to you
- How are you doing there?
- It was a mistake to come here. you replied because you did not want to admit that you felt quite lonely actually and thinking about Joe holding you close was making you feel somewhat miserable… but you did not want to let Joe know that because you did not want him to blame himself. He had been great, none of this, you being stranded at your ex’s place and “celebrating” the change of the millennium alone, was his fault.
- That did not really answer to my question. Joe commented. He had a feeling that you were not doing as great as you tried to pretend… or not pretend per se but to put on a brave face and keep your true emotions hidden from him. You stared at the question and sighed. You knew that you had not exactly answered his question and there was a reason why you had not, but then you decided not to lie and therefore you replied
- I’m not doing that great to be honest.
- Kind of figured. Joe commented and sighed deeply as he pressed “enter” and sent the message. Yet again a silence followed, mostly because you did not want to talk about your gloomy feelings to Joe and risk spoiling his New Year’s Eve… and Joe did not dare to ask more questions because he was afraid that he would open some old wounds.
- I had fun with you on our date. he commented suddenly. You gasped as you saw the message appearing on the screen. “It was a date!” you stated aloud and smiled widely at the screen. It meant that Joe was interested in you in a romantic way and it was the best news of the entire evening… maybe the entire year.
- Was it a date? you asked just to be sure. It would be so embarrassing to misunderstand something and base your assumptions on some classic case of mixed messages. Joe stared at your message and exclaimed “What?” He had assumed that you had known that it was a date… as date as a date can be; a romantic restaurant… excellent food…
- Of course it was! Come on! Joe typed and clicked “send”. You sighed relieved when you saw the message appearing to the chat window below all the other messages.
- Alright-alright! you commented and chuckled aloud.
- I had fun too. you added immediately.
- Liar. Joe stated.
- Hey, I’m not lying! you replied. Sure you had been bothered about the topic but you liked listening to Joe because he had a very soft, deep and pleasant voice and you liked the way his eyes basically shone when he was talking about things that were close to his heart… just like your eyes sparkled with excitement when you talked about literature and other worlds… such as Middle Earth.
- And I would love to go out with you again. you stated because you wanted to go out with Joe again and you wanted to assure him that you had not indeed gotten bored but enjoyed spending time with him outside the campus.
- I would love that too. Joe replied.
- Sorry that I talked about… you know… he added and pressed accidentally “enter” before finishing his sentence.
- Y2K? Speaking of which, I should soon shut down the computer. It is almost midnight and I don’t want it to explode. you commented. You felt your tipsiness wearing off leaving you with tiredness and slightly depressed mood which you couldn’t help and therefore you wanted to end the conversation before you turned it into a swan song.
- Ha-ha. Joe commented and added a wink-smiley as well as the tongue-smiley.
- You should go out and celebrate, Joe. you stated. Joe stared at the message and checked out the clock, it was not midnight yet, considering that you were on different time zones and he was a couple of hours behind you, so basically there was still time for him to celebrate… but did he want to? That was an entirely different matter.
- What about you? he asked.
- I’m pretty tired, so I’ll just get some sleep and hopefully I will not wake up when Samuel and his rebound come home. you commented and regretted sounding so bitter but unfortunately you couldn’t un-send the message after pressing “enter”. Joe noticed the bitter undertone in your message, he did not need to hear your voice or see the look on your face to notice it. He sat quietly for a moment until he noticed that his study got suddenly illuminated by a firework that exploded quite nearby.
- Can you see the fireworks from the window? he asked right away.
- Yes. you said after looking you from the window. It was almost midnight and there were many fireworks in the horizon, all around the celebrating city.
- Alright, after you have shut down the computer, go to the window and look out. I will do the same and it is almost like I was there with you. Joe suggested hoping that you would feel a bit better.
- I don’t want to be here. you commented even though it made you sound rather unhappy, unhappier that you had wanted to appear. It was not like you had been sinking into a deep depression or anything, not even if this was a changing of the millennium and you would never see another, and therefore you did not want Joe to worry about you too much.
- Okay, you’ll be here with me. Joe commented. He stared at the screen waiting for your reply which did not come for the next few minutes. You stared at Joe’s message and burst into tears because that was like the sweetest thing that anyone had ever said to you. The silence however made Joe anxious and he hoped that he had not stepped over any boundaries.
- Will you do that? he asked because you had not said anything since his last message and it had been almost six minutes. You sat in Samuel’s work-chair and sobbed into your hands. The makeup burned your eyes as your mascara got smudged and left black lines on your cheeks.
- (Y/N)? Joe asked to make sure that you were still there. Your alias was still online but he had to make sure that he had not offended you in any way.
- I’m here. you answered after you had managed to calm yourself a little.
- Will you do that? Will you begin the new millennium with me? Joe asked. His question made you burst into tears again because the level of kindness was too much to handle without an intense emotional response.
- Okay. I’d like that. you typed and pressed “enter”. Joe sighed relieved when he saw your message appearing below the previous messages.
- Good. You are right here… with me… and I am holding you close. Joe said and then added
- And now we are going to go and watch fireworks together.
You logged out from the mIRC-program and turned off the computer. Then you took the emptied bottle of sparkling wine into the kitchen and walked into the living room, stepped out on the balcony and closed your eyes for a moment. You heard the fireworks exploding all around the city as the clock struck midnight and suddenly it was year 2000. You opened your eyes and stared at the bright flashes that filled the sky, leaving the air smoky and covering every other scent there had been.
Joe logged out and turned off his computer as well. He walked to the window of his bedroom which had the best view and stared into the dark horizon. There weren’t that many fireworks yet, just one here and there every once in a while but it did not matter. Joe sipped the sparkling wine from the bottle and thought about you; your smile, your laughter and he decided that when you came back he would make you smile… help you forget about this Christmas that had not gone exactly how you had hoped it would… although Joe did not know what you had wished for.
You watched the fireworks for twenty minutes and then made sure that Samuel’s apartment was in great shape, packed your luggage ready for tomorrow and after taking a quick shower you locked yourself into the guestroom and got to bed. You lay on your back and stared at the ceiling as you waited the sleep to come but despite the fact that you were emotionally exhausted, drained even, and physically tired as well, you were unable to fall asleep. Suddenly your phone beeped many times as you got a text message, a couple of messages actually because the message was so long. You reached to take your phone and read the message which was from Joe.
- Happy New Year, (Y/N)! May the future bring you all the happiness and love that you deserve. I hope to be part of that, if you let me. the message said.
- Happy New Year, Joe! I’m sending you all my love. you answered, put the phone on mute and closed your eyes. After an hour you fell asleep and did not even wake up when Samuel came home with someone that he had met in the party. You had dreams about Joe… dreams about celebrating many Christmases as well as New Years with him.