Loki / Reader (2)
Let me tell you my story. A story that will shed some light into the reason why I decided to do what I am about to do… or did, depending on how you look at it. It is not that I am not happy, because I am. It is not that I would hate life, because I don’t. But there is a deal that I’ve made which I cannot honor. My life changed when I was 15 years old. I did not understand it then, but now looking back, I can see it clearly.
That was when I met him the first time. It was an accident and I did not know where my foolish prayer would take me. ”What happened?” you might ask and you probably will but after I’ve told you my story, you will not believe a word of it. You will think I am crazy, secretly depressed… you will wonder could you had done something differently. Were there signs? Do not feel bad for me… the other option was twice as terrible.
So… I was 15, no need to tell you more of what I was like when it does not really matter. I believe that the outcome of everything would not change if I had been different then. The only thing that would had changed it all is that I had not sought solitude that one winter night at that frozen lake. That’s when I met him. That’s when I made my deal with him. He offered me life at the moment of my death. The price to be paid after I had doubled my years. An eternity in the eyes of a teenager to live as one pleases and then serve him forever. The debt is too great so I’ll take the easy way out. I am signing off before he comes. It was not because I hate life, it is because I hate what I would become.
***
15 years ago
You were frustrated. Your friends had bailed again, it was not the first time. “Typical” you thought and took your coat and headed out. Your parents were gone for the weekend and you had invited three of your best friends to have a slumber party at your parents place and the night was supposed to be full of horror movies, pop corn and girl talk, hell, you had even managed to get a couple of alcoholic drinks for you and your friends. You had spent all your weekly allowances from four last weeks to get everything so the disappointment tasted bitter when they texted you that they had decided to go to this cool party. You were invited of course and could bring the drinks with you. Figures.
“Yeah, right!” you thought when you opened the first bottle of cider and put the first VHS-cassette into the player. The horror movie ended and it was midnight. You had drank almost everything and decided to go out for a walk because your head was spinning. You very rarely drank but this time you had even drank a few shots of vodka that your father kept hidden for special occasions.
You lived by a lake. It was spring and it was dangerous to walk on the ice that was getting thinner every day as the sun warmed the surface. You did not care, honestly; you were too drunk to care and too drunk to notice the ice rattling dangerously as you walked further away from the shore.
It was a beautiful night. There were stars, the moon… satellites crossing the sky one after another with steady speed. You shouted at the night sky and listened at the silence that followed after the echo had receded.
The next step was fatal. You heard the ice cracking loudly and before you noticed it you had fallen under the ice. Your long winter coat soaked water quickly and dragged you down even though you did your best to kick yourself back to the surface. The cold water surrounded and you knew that soon it would fill your lungs. During those final moments you abandoned your skeptic mind and prayed that someone would come to save you. If there was a god, if there was a devil… Anyone…
The devil answered.
As you blacked out you woke up in another place, far away from everything you knew. You were standing on a high mountain watching distant galaxies glowing in the horizon. There was someone with you. You turned around and could only see a tall figure standing a bit further away from you.
- Am I dead? you asked.
- You will soon be.
His answer echoed everywhere and you felt his presence slipping away.
- Wait! you pleaded.
- Is there a way, that I could… not… die? you asked. He laughed.
- Fine, whatever. you mumbled and turned away.
- I will make a deal with you. you heard him saying. This time the voice came right behind you.
- I shall save your life now, but there is a price to pay, as we gods do not do charity.
You wanted to turn but he put his hand on your shoulder and kept you still. You saw the horizon changing into darkness as there was water rising silently and reminded you that you were wasting your own time.
- I shall wait you to double your years, but then I shall come to you and you will kneel to me willingly. I will rule you forever and you shall leave your past life behind.
- Yes, fine! Anything! you exclaimed because you could feel the water drowning you although there was nothing to see.
You woke up in your bed. Your head hurt and reminded you about the alcohol you had consumed the previous night. You chuckled about the dream you had had. Drunken madness mixed with the horror movie, you assured yourself. Anything but would make no sense.
You cleaned the bottles before your parents got back and continued your life like nothing had happened. Your life went on. You graduated, got your first boyfriend, broke up with him, when it got clear that you wanted different things; he wanted to settle down and have a family, you did not. He wanted to move to the countryside, you did not. He wanted spend the weekends home, you did not. You had always a feeling eating you out that your life would soon end and your time would run out.
When you turned 25, the dreams begun. You had kind of felt someone watching you from the shadows for 10 years already but you had never dreamt about… him. When you heard his voice, it sounded familiar and dangerous at the same time, enchanting. Maybe it was your morbid curiosity that was attracted to that voice, that presence that had followed you throughout your years.
Then you saw the news about New York and something clicked. You knew that the man who haunted your dreams was real. You knew that he was a monster. Loki they called him. You read about him, all those terrible things that the Norse mythology said about him and how he would bring the end of the world. Prophecies.
The thing was that your rational mind would had not believed anything sooner but since his face was all over the news and every time he looked at the camera, you felt anxious. You did not know why, the memory had been buried deep. Until one night you spoke with him. His sinister grin burned into your mind as he reminded you that you had made a deal with him, you had promised to serve him forever.
Your 30th birthday was approaching and the dreams were getting more disturbing. You saw him in the shadows even when you were awake, you could hear him laughing.
“No!” you thought as you walked home. You wrote the letter and read it through so many times that eventually you knew it by heart. You took out the garbage, emptied the fridge and ate one last meal. The clock was turning midnight and your birthday was approaching. You went out for a walk with no intentions of coming back.
You stopped walking when you reached the highest part of the bridge. The water ran black somewhere far below. Your alarm went off; you were officially 30 years old. However nothing happened. You sighed relieved. “What did you expect? Loki the God of Mischief to come down from the heavens and claim your allegiance or obedience?” you thought and started to laugh.
Then you felt it, the presence behind you. More vivid than ever before. You squeezed the cold metal of the railing and stared into the darkness.
- I still expect you to pay your debt. he said.
- I rather jump and drown. you muttered.
- Stupid mortal! he said and coughed. You turned to look at him, to face him at the end of your life. He was covering his side with his hand and groaned in pain. You took a couple of steps away and figured that if you now ran, he would not be able to catch you. Jumping into the freezing water seemed like a very bad idea now.
You ran home. You dropped the keys a couple of times as you tried to open the lock with shaky hands. Finally the key fit and turned. You slammed the door shut and locked it behind you. You took off your coat and walked further into the apartment. You heard the sound of paper rattling and saw the tall man putting the letter you had written on the table.
- I knew you would not do it. he said mockingly.
- How did you get in? you asked with a shaky voice.
- I am a God! You stupid, ignorant mortal. he shouted angrily making him cough again and grin in pain.
- I came to claim your payment.
- I have no idea what you’re talking about. you lied.
- Do not lie to the God of Lies! he said and watched you with deep disgust.
- No… I really… you said and he grabbed your hand taking you back to the moment when you were going to die, 15 years ago. For a moment you could not breathe and you were panicking. Then he brought you back, still not letting your arm go.
- Shall I take you back there and leave you this time? he hissed. You shook him off and grabbed a cooking knife that was laying on the kitchen counter. You pointed it at the tall man which made him laugh.
- You mewling quim, put that knife down before you’ll hurt yourself…
- No! you exclaimed.
- You pathetic mortal! You seriously think that you could harm me with that ridiculous toy?
- You bleed… you said and pointed at the wound on his side. He laughed and corrected his posture.
- You really are a fool. he smirked. You put the blade on your wrist and thought that “hey, maybe threatening my own life will do the trick”. You knew that the blade was sharp and all you needed to do is add pressure and… you breathed with shallow, quick breaths and stared at the blade. Threatening yourself instead was not making any sense even in your mind but you were acting on an impulse without really thinking rationally.
- Boo! he said and stepped closer suddenly. You jumped and dropped the knife as you noticed the red horizontal line appearing on your wrist. The knife fell forever and the sound that it made when it finally hit the ground echoed in your mind.
- O-o-oh… shi-shit! you stuttered and stared as the warm crimson liquid began slowly drip out from your wrist. The wound was not wide or even deep but it was enough to shock you, mostly because you snapped back into a reality and realized that you were behaving foolishly, very irrationally.
Then happened something what you had not expected in million years; Loki grabbed your wrist and took the first piece of fabric that he could find to bind the wound. He recited a spell to calm you down and sat you down. After a moment you returned from that state of being hypnotized feeling still relaxed. You knew it most likely was a false sense of safety that would put you into danger… it was snow; it invites you to fall asleep with its softness but then claims your life silently.
- You’re hurt. you stated and got up.
- Aren’t you so observing now. he said mockingly.
- Fine… I don’t really care. you said and picked up the knife that was still laying on the floor. You put it into the sink and wiped the drops of blood off the floor. He started to take his long leather coat off from his shoulders and twisting his body made him groan. You reached to help him.
- Come on, let me… you said and helped him. You hung the coat on the hanger. It was a heavy coat with metal details sowed on it. He took off his tunic and you took a clean cloth and some antiseptics from your drawer. You poured a generous amount of the disinfecting liquid on the cloth and waited for a moment as it soaked the cloth. You walked in front of Loki.
- This might sting… a lot. you said and pressed the cloth against his bare side. He jerked slightly but otherwise there was no sign of pain from him, at least he did not let it show.
- You are bold, mortal, to cause me pain. Was it poison you put in the cloth?
- It was antiseptics.
- And what is the meaning of it?
- It prevents infection.
- You stupid mortal! I am a God, I cannot get your mortal deceases! he hissed. You let out one short, annoyed sigh.
- And how I was supposed to know that? Huh? I am no expert on “the differences between Gods and mortals”. you exclaimed and threw the cloth on the floor, or more like smashed it.
- I am sorry that I cared and I actually tried to help you. But never mind… I will not do that again. you said and tried to keep a straight face. Now you finally noticed how graceful his features were. His face was framed with black hair and his physique was… perfect. And his eyes… when he looked at you, he really saw you. It was terrifying and mesmerizing at the same time.
After he had cleaned and tied his wound he put on his tunic and walked to the living room where you were sitting.
- I presume that we should put some of that disinfecting medicine in your wound…
- No, we should not.
- And may require why that is?
- Because I don’t care if I’ll get infected and die.
- You’re being ridiculous. he said, grabbed your hand and removed the bandage. The wound started to show signs of bleeding immediately. Loki took the bottle of antiseptics and poured a generous amount of it on the wound. You tried to pull your hand away but he was too strong. Your eyes filled with tears as you tried to breathe through the pain. Then Loki tied the wound surprisingly gently and soothed the pain away by caressing the skin around the bandage. You had to remind yourself about “snow”; inviting yet deadly.
- Besides, my allays are growing thin… I must settle with the ones I have. he said. You heard an undertone of deep disrespect in his voice and lashed back
- Well maybe you should think how you treat people around you. One might have more allays if one had a heart.
You pulled your hand away and sat down. You tried to wipe your tears away as unnoticed as possibly but his sharp eyes were always watching your every move. It made you anxious.
- I suppose you want to sleep. you said in an emotionless tone.
- You may use my bed since I don’t really have a guestroom, as you can see. you continued.
- I however will not sleep. you mumbled.
- Wh-
- Because I don’t trust you.
- Are you worried that I would take you in your sleep or kill you? I can assure you that if I wanted you dead, I certainly would not do it when you’re sleeping… There’s no fun in that and I would not take you because I have no desire for you.
- It is good that our feelings are mutual then.
- Are you claiming that you do not desire me? You’re lying.
- No… because I prefer men with kind hearts… Which obviously you lack.
- Remember your place, mortal! I am a God!
- And I am an atheist, gods mean nothing to me.
After this either of you did not say anything for a long time. The minutes passed as Loki kept staring at you, working his hypnotism-spell which was not working that well now. You stared him back with a defiant look on your face. Until his hypnotism really started to take over; your eyelids became heavier and closed completely until you recoiled as your head dipped. You heard Loki speaking in a soft, calm voice and it pushed you finally under. You were asleep, curled into a ball on your sofa-chair.
Why Loki wanted you to sleep? Well… first of all, he had a free access to your mind when you were sleeping. He had a power of telepathy but when you were awake you were constantly fighting him, which annoyed and intrigued him at the same time. And secondly he wanted to get some sleep and felt safe enough to do so when you were asleep as well; he feared you, although he would never admit it to anyone, maybe not even to himself but he did fear you. You were defiant, headstrong and he felt that your eyes were able to read him and reach his soul. Thirdly he was annoyed that you got under his skin so easily so he took every bit of co-operation from your part, willing or not, as a battle victory in the war of two strong characters.
He was slightly offended that you had stated that he had no heart. He did have a heart, it was nowadays a cold heart but could you really blame him? After all he had been put through, would you blame him? He decided to break you with kindness; trick you into thinking that he could change and there was the good side of him. This plot pleased him and he chuckled in your bed when he thought about how mercilessly you would fall for him, oh no, there was no mercy for you. Only if he had known that his grand scheme was going to fail and eventually change everything. It all began with a small act of putting a blanket on you after you had finally fallen asleep.
You woke up. The blanket had slid on the floor at some point. The room was cold and every muscle in your body ached. You stood up and stretched your back as well as arms. The reality hit you instantly when you saw the green-black-leather coat hanging in the hallway. You changed your clothes and fixed your makeup and hair. You walked to your fridge and confirmed what you already knew; fridge was empty, you had thrown away everything that could get bad.
- Loki? you said with a hoarse voice. He did not answer.
- I need to go to the store. I will come back soon. you said and then left the apartment after dressing up your winter gear. You walked slowly as the snow fell down from the skies. You figured that there was no point to try escaping because he had found you once… twice, already so there was no logical reason that you would be able to hide yourself well enough. It most likely required some form of magic anyway. Besides you were drawn to him and now that ending your own life did not seem like a good idea anymore, you decided to adjust to the new situation, to try at least.
You bought some chicken, bread, fruit, cheese and other things that were necessary for a brunch. You returned home, no sign from the bloody God of mischief still, oh wait… he was in shower. You put the chicken into the oven and prepared everything.
Loki had managed to find a towel and stepped out from the shower but he was drying his hair with it. He walked totally naked in front of you.
- Okay… Would you please put some clothes on? you said and looked intentionally elsewhere.
- Surely you can’t deny that you enjoy what you see.
- Actually, I am not even looking. Please. you said in a very assertive tone and looked at him straight into his eyes.
- Anyway… I had no idea what you like to eat for brunch so… I bought a bit of everything. you said and were quite proud to present the table. He looked unpleased.
- Okay… You seriously have to start to treat me with respect if you want to be my friend.
- Friend?
- Hm, what I tried to say, if you don’t want me to kick you out… you’d better start behaving.
- You think you can kick me out? I highly doubt that.
- Maybe not but I can always ignore you and believe me… I am quite good at ignoring people. Care to try?
- No, maybe not. he commented. You took the chicken wings out from the oven and put them in a bowl which you placed on the table.
- Why are you treating me with such kindness all of a sudden? Yesterday you were ready to take your own life just to escape me.
- That is true. you said and stared down at the table.
- Maybe it’s… you continued and sighed as you tried to find the words.
- Well, you know… I’ve known you for five years… kind of… in a very twisted way you have become a part of my life and even before that I felt you watching me. It is true that I was ready to end my life yesterday, mostly because I was afraid…
- And you’re not afraid anymore? he asked.
- I don’t know. The rational part of me is terrified but the naive, hopeful part of me is telling me that I will be alright. Doesn’t make any sense, I am aware of that and I have strongly mixed feelings about the whole thing… Besides it is mostly your magic that prevents me from freaking out… you muttered and you were right. Loki kept you in the state of “manageable” at all times but he was impressed about your analytic way of handling things.
- What do you want from me? you asked after a long silence.
- Obviously you came here to claim my debt to be paid, but surely there is some other motive… It is quite difficult for me to imagine you collecting all your debts personally, I mean… I am just a mortal… just a stupid, insignificant human.
- Well… It seems that you see more than I have expected. Very well… I find you fascinating… he said.
-…in all your simplicity, that is. he added. He had to add it even though he didn’t necessarily think that… in a great extent at least.
- I watched you grow up. I followed you from the shadows, patiently waiting…
- Waiting for what?
- Well… time to pass… This day to come.
- You could had just come and said “hi” if you wanted to get to know me face to face.
- No, that was not what I meant. he stated although it was exactly what he had meant.
- Very well… What is it then that you want? I have no power, no wealth… you do not find me attractive… There is absolutely nothing that you can gain from me. Unless of course… this all is only for your own amusement.
He made a small “hm” –sound and focused on his breakfast. Later that day you felt like you needed some fresh air.
- I think I’m going to go out for a moment to clear my head. you said and rubbed your forehead. Loki nodded.
- If you want to join me… you said and put on your jacket.
- Yes, I suppose I could join you. he said and conjured himself a normal suit.
You both walked on the snowy streets just silently, sometimes you discussed about nothing of great importance and then returned home. This continued for almost two months that he spent with you, hiding from his enemies. Little by little he started to tell you about his past and reasons why he had done the things he had done. He did not have to use hypnosis to keep you calm and one of the milestones in his opinion was when he made you laugh the first time.
He noticed that the kinder he was towards you the more relaxed you were in his company and the more relaxed you were, the better he felt. It was almost like his past had melted away. He had to get away from you. He was the God of Mischief, not the God of Kittens and Darlings. When he told you that he was leaving you felt relieved at first because it meant that you got to return to your own life and you did not have to be on your guard all the time, well… you were always slightly alert even though you appeared relaxed. The only time when you totally unguarded was when you were sleeping.
But when you were sleeping, although you did not remember any of it, you had told Loki anything and everything about yourself what he wanted to know. He knew your fears, he knew your dreams and hopes and even things that you only knew in your subconscious because when you were dreaming, you were not filtering anything but allowing him inside your head.
And so he left. Vanished into thin air. The apartment felt empty and you sometimes noticed talking to the walls just because you had gotten used to having Loki there listening. You realized that even though you had been scared of him before and fed yourself with all those terrifying scenarios of how he would surely end your life, you came to a realization that maybe you had just liked the drama; it was easy to freak out even though he had never actually given you any reason to fear him.
Okay, yes, he was a mass murderer. Yes he had slipped into some kind of insanity and his lust for power had blinded him. This mindset was something that put yourself on the edge; when the rational part of your mind told you that he had killed a lot of people, the other side of you immediately said “but think how cruelly he had been deceived by his father”. When your rational part said that “excuse me, he wanted to take over the Earth” your other part said “well… one has to have goals and being ambiguous is not bad” and so on… Oh, your favorite was “come on, he is a trickster! Do you think he would just suddenly change?” Which turned into “true, but he would never trick me… right?”
Yeah, right.
Loki was tormented. He did not know whether he should turn himself in and take the punishment for his crimes, should he just go on with his mischievous life or return to you. If he turned himself in, he would most definitely face time in Asgardian prison. For how long? He did not know. He would be most likely also be robbed out from his powers too, so he would not be able to come into your dreams… But when he had served his time, he would be free to do whatever he wanted. He would be able to live a life that did not require hiding. Let’s face it, Loki was not a hiding-type.
If he continued his mischievous life, it meant that you wanted to have nothing to do with it or him. “Why do I care about her anyway?” he thought and scolded himself for being so soft. Surely there was still plenty of chaos to cause, galaxies to visit… people to rule… wars to be fought and won… but that life would not include you. “Why is that a problem!?” his mischievous part shouted but somehow it was a thing that had to be taken into consideration.
Or he could just return to you… but someday he would surely be found and taken away. Hearts would get broken, lives ruined… but at least it would be an amusement for some time. Then, when it would end, it would… end. Life was about letting go anyway… Why should he care?
But he did care and that was the problem.
A few weeks turned into few months. Loki had not visited you even once since he had left. You did not even feel his presence lurking in the shadows. One evening you realized that you actually… missed him and you had broken down into tears with a silent wish that he would hear you and come to comfort you.
You missed his voice and even his smell, you missed arguing with him and listening to his stories about faraway realms. You sometimes spoke to him although you thought that he most likely did not listen. And he did not. He traveled the nine realms causing havoc but it did not give him the same pleasure than it had before. It was almost like a sad excuse for pleasure.
One night, 8 months after he had left your apartment, he came back. You were walking home, it was a rainy, gloomy night. You had forsaken any hope for his return and had gotten used to the quietness and solitude of not having his presence around you.
Suddenly you felt a strong arm wrapping around your waist and dragging you into a dark alley. Your screams were muffled with a large hand before you had managed to even call for help. The strangers body felt strong and solid against you and even though you tried to fight it, you were completely at his mercy. He pushed you against the wall leaned against the brick wall with both of his hands imprisoning you between him and the wall.
- (Y/N)… he panted.
- Loki?
- I have decided to turn myself in and face my sentence whatever it might be. he said with a trembling voice.
- Oh…
- I don’t have much time to explain everything, but I went to the far corners of this world and I continued living mischievously but chaos does not make me happy anymore.
- Uh-uhuh?
- I tried to forget ever meeting you in person and I stopped visiting your dreams…
- If you have been so anxious to forget about me… then why are you here? It has been 8 months…
- I came to steal a kiss from your lips before I’ll turn myself in.
You sighed. It was difficult to understand the situation. The whole past year had been such a rollercoaster ride that you did not know what to think anymore; you had feared Loki, you had met him and spent a couple of months with him that caused you to maybe fall in love with him a little and then he had left you.
- You left… You have no right to ask anything from me.
He nodded and released you. He pressed his head down and walked with heavy steps further away.
- Wait! you said before he managed to vanish. He stopped. You walked to him and put your hands on his cheeks. He leaned closer and you pressed your lips against his softly. After few seconds of feeling your lips just barely he dared to kiss you with more intensity, but it was not a passionate kiss. It was more like desperate, sorrowful and full of longing. A beautiful goodbye. He wrapped his strong arms gently around you and pulled you tightly into his embrace and stroked your hair slowly. He had missed everything about you and feeling you in his arms was a confirmation for him that this was the right thing to do. Before he vanished he whispered softly into your ear
- I will return to you.