The 1977 Christmas Ball

James stared at his outfit for what feels like the millionth time. The dorm was a flurry of activity — it was the day of the ball, and Sirius and Peter were getting dressed as quickly as they can. It was a little early to start getting dressed; Remus and James were waiting another half hour, but the other two had to go down to the hall early because McGonagall had chosen them and some other students to do some work.

‘You’re going to look so shaggable,’ Sirius told him reassuringly. 

‘Sirius, shaggable is not a word,’ Remus interjected, sighing. 

‘Sh, Moony, I’m telling Prongs how hot he is,’ Sirius chided. He winked at Remus’ exasperated expression.

‘You sure I look that hot?’ James asked, allowing a note of insecurity to creep into his voice.

‘I’m sure,’ Sirius confirmed.

‘Go on, tell us who it’s for.’ Peter’s voice is muffled from under his robes. James glared at him. Peter knew full well who it’s for—and exactly why James was putting off telling Sirius until the ball, when he had no choice. 

‘Yeah, who are you so worried about looking shaggable for, James?’ Sirius asked, his eyes twinkling.

‘Not—not shaggable,’ James protested anxiously. ‘I’m not going to shag them. My intentions are totally pure, I promise.’

This was a fat lie. James was sure the second he saw Regulus in his formal robes he will spend the entire evening attempting to rip his robes off.

‘But who is it?’ Sirius persisted.

‘No one,’ he mumbled. ‘I mean—not no one! I care for them a lot, they mean a lot to me. I would never treat them as if they were no one.’

‘You don’t have to prove yourself to me, James,’ Sirius said, frowning. ‘I know what you’re like—you’d never hurt a fly.’

‘Yeah,’ James agreed, thrilled. 

‘But who is it?’ he asked again. James groaned. 

‘Go on, tell us,’ Sirius said wheedlingly, ‘It’s not Evans, is it? I thought she played for the other team?’

‘No, she’s bi,’ James said, relieved to have another topic.

‘Ah, okay. Is it her? You’ve been smitten for years, mate, so not surprising if she fell, too.’

‘Not Lily,’ James answered, shaking his head. ‘I’ve gotten over her, you know that, right?’

‘Never thought I’d see the day,’ Sirius said in amazement, and James chucked a pillow at him.

‘But who is it—’ Sirius started again. He despaired internally. Why did he have such a relentless best mate?

‘What, you can’t wait the half hour till the ball?’ Remus interrupted lightly, flicking over a page. James caught his slow wink of conspiracy.

Sirius heaved a sigh. ‘I suppose I can,’ he muttered, sounding forlorn.

‘Oi, shut up,’ James said, laughing, ‘It’s not going to kill you, not knowing for a few more days.’

‘How do you know?’ Sirius asked, looking up with big puppy dog—ha!—eyes. ‘I could be dying internally and the only way to save me is this knowledge.’

‘Fuck off.’ James laughed again, feeling light and happy. ‘Go down and help Minnie, you dog.’

Sirius ran out, cackling at the ‘dog’. Peter tailed him with an amused look.

When he left, Remus looked at him steadily. James became very interested in the frost covering the window pane. 

‘You’ll have to tell him eventually,’ he said.

James sighed, hanging his head. ‘I know. Reg and I discussed it—we agreed telling him on the night of the ball was the best. Besides, Reg was tired of sneaking about and hiding it, and so am I. I want to be able to go to the Christmas Ball with my boyfriend.’

Remus’ eyes were a little sad, and belatedly, James remembered his ‘unrequited’ crush on Sirius. ‘Sor—’ he began.

‘Don’t apologize,’ Remus cut in. ‘It’s okay.’

‘Remus,’ James started tentatively. ‘As much as you think Sirius doesn’t like you back—’

‘Stop it, James, please,’ Remus said, rubbing at the line between his eyebrows tiredly. ‘He doesn’t.’

‘But he does ,’ he said desperately. ‘You don’t see him like us, Moony, he’s so smitten—’

‘He’s not even gay, James,’ Remus returned flatly.

‘He might be bi,’ he suggested weakly.

‘No, as in he’s not into men at all . I don’t have to remind you that I am, indeed, a man, do I?’

‘But—’

‘No. Leave it, James.’

James sighed. He was sure Sirius was crazy about Remus—but if neither would admit it, what can he do?

Remus tilted his head at the robes and jewelry laid carefully out on James’ bed. ‘We should start getting ready,’ he said.

James nodded, taking the olive branch for what it was. ‘You first or I?’ he asked.

‘If you go first then it’ll take a hundred years before you get out, what with your hair routine and all,’ Remus teased. James just smiled instead of retorting, happy to see his best friend’s eyes bright again. 

His hand flew up to cover his curls protectively. ‘I’ll have you know this magic doesn’t happen by itself!’ he called after Remus’ retreating back. Remus’ snort was the only reply he got.

After a while, Remus emerged. He wore plain black robes, cut widely to show the white shirt underneath, all of which fit extremely well, showing off the girth of his shoulders, his tapered, narrow waist, and his arms, which were larger than James could recall. His hair was brushed, the loose brown curls gleaming.

Technically, he put in minimal effort, so he shouldn’t be looking all that good. 

But, being a marauder, Remus was never really good at following the rules. 

James let out a low whistle. ‘Christ, Moony, you trying to give Sirius—actually, no, forget Sirius—the whole of Hogwarts a heart attack?’

Remus gave him a smirk. ‘Something like that, yes.’

‘Where’d you even find that in a second-hand store?’ James asked in wonder.

‘Oh, you’d be surprised what you can find in thrift stores,’ Remus said happily. ‘You really think I look good?’

‘Moony, I have a boyfriend, and yet I’m ready to suck your cock,’ James told him earnestly. ‘Just imagine what the rest of Hogwarts will be like.’

‘Fuck off,’ Remus replied, laughing. ‘Don’t let Regulus hear you say that.’

‘Ugh, you’re right,’ James agreed, shuddering. ‘Reg would bite off my cock for that.’

‘You want me to wait while you get changed?’ Remus asked.

‘Yeah, if that’s okay?’ James asked, grabbing his stuff and running into the bathroom. They usually had no problem changing in front of each other, but he wanted to be near the bathroom to get his hair ready. ‘I want to see Sirius’ reaction.’

‘So do I, hurry up,’ Remus answered.

James pulled on the gold chiffon robes carefully, feeling that it was delicate. He poured potion into his hands, rubbing it into his hair and scrunching it up in fists. He hummed Stop Loving You by Toto under his breath as he worked. Finally, he washed his hands, waved his wand over his curls so it fell attractively over his brow in soft glossy black coils, and slid on a simple gold chain and looped in some gold hoops into his ears, with a couple of thick rings on each hands to complete the look. Then he stepped out of the bathroom with a flourish.

‘What do you think?’ he asked Remus, who, true to his word, had been waiting patiently.

It was Remus’ turn to whistle. ‘Regulus is a lucky fellow, Prongs.’

James beamed, towing Remus out of the dorm merrily. ‘Aw, thanks, Moony!’

They nearly walked past the Great Hall, it had been so transformed. All the tables had completely disappeared, as had the house hangings that had hung above each house’s table. The place was transformed into a glittering blue palace. The magical ceiling didn’t show it’s usual night sky, but a galaxy, the whorls of millions of glittering, colourful stars almost blinding; the ceiling itself had been replaced by delicate arches soaring over the people below. A huge chandelier hung from the centre, ropes of diamond-like crystals hanging from it, light fracturing off each facet like miniature suns. There was a huge stage, with two enormous white Christmas trees on either side of it, bent to form an arch, with an ice star perched in the centre. The snowy branches were festooned with sparkling ornaments and bluish-silver tinsel. Curiously, the band wasn’t playing on the stage, but on a small raised dais sitting to the side of the stage. Twin graceful staircases, each step delicately carved, curved around one palace wall to reach to opposite balconies, each having their own tables of drinks and food and elegantly wrought rails to prevent people from careening to the ground. Most of the floor was empty and polished, ready for dancing.

And everything was made out of ice.

Everything, from the stairs to the ceiling to the tables. Except for the food and drinks, every inch was glittering, smooth ice. Even the cutlery and plates were made of ice. Unmeltable ice, judging by the bright perfection of it all, unmarred by half-melted ice and dripping water. There also seems to be some sort of charm that muffles the coldness of it all, as the temperature isn’t freezing but pleasantly cool. There were also no traditional sources of light, save for the chandelier—which didn’t have any candles but glowed brightly nevertheless—but light blazed from behind the icy walls, the arches of the roof, and the floor, lighting the whole palace in slightly bluish creamy light. 

‘Woah,’ Remus said softly beside him.

‘Merlin,’ James said faintly.

‘You guys are early!’ Sirius exclaimed, seemingly barelling out of nowhere. ‘And Remus—’ he broke off. He stared, open-mouthed at Remus, who was looking back at him with an amused expression, his mouth curling into a slight smirk.

‘Remus,’ Sirius croaked out. ‘Hi—hi. You, uh, you look… yeah.’

Remus arched an eyebrow, the sneaky shit. ‘I look yeah ?’

‘Good!’ Sirius blurted out. ‘You look good.’

‘Only good?’ Remus asked. ‘Everyone here looks good, Pads, it’s a black-tie event.’

‘Really fucking good,’ Sirius whispered, stepping closer to Remus. Remus bit his lip, aand that was James’ cue to leave before their hormones took over and left him scarred. He found Regulus on balcony, quietly observing the party.

James breathed out, everything in him softening, as it usually did with Regulus. ‘Hi, love,’ he said softly.

He turned, and James’ breath hitched. Regulus looked… fuck, he looked good . So, so, good, with his black dress robes tailored perfectly to his figure, his curls falling perfectly along his sharp jawline, the silver embroidery along his cuffs and striped silver and green-gray tie matching his piercing eyes perfectly… He looked perfect, as always.

Reg had once told him that his only job was to be perfect. The perfect son, the better heir, the exemplary student. James had brushed his hair away from his eyes gently and told him, Don’t try so hard, love. You’re already perfect .

Regulus didn’t seem to hear him—he was too busy drinking in James hungrily, his eyes alight with desire. 

James’ lips quirked. ‘Like what you see, love?’

‘James…’ Regulus swallowed, visibly tearing his eyes away to meet James’. ‘You look—Merlin, I don’t even want you here. People will look at you, and want you.’

He touched Regulus’ hair now, winding a curl around his fingers. He has such pretty curls, the sort that begged to be dandled by loving hands. 

Regulus sighed, leaning into the touch, safe in the knowledge that they were alone up here. He turned his head, kissing James’ palm. 

‘It doesn’t matter whether people want me,’ he informed Regulus, ‘Because I only want one boy, and he’s standing right in front of me with the prettiest curls that I want to ruin.’

‘I know, but…’ Regulus huffed. ‘I just want you all to myself,’ he said petulantly.

‘You have to share me with Sirius,’ James reminded him, laughing.

‘Not if Sirius kills you once he realises who you’re actually taking to the ball,’ he warned, and James winced, then chuckled weakly.

‘Oh, Merlin,’ he said, and buried his head into the space between Reg’s shoulder and head, where he never has to worry about anything.

‘You can’t hide from all your problems,’ Regulus said, but he’s laughing now, and he made no attempt to move James. 

‘I can, and I will,’ James told him. ‘I should just hide away in your dorm. You can sneak me food and drinks from the Great Hall.’

‘You could never handle being away from Sirius that long, you big baby.’

‘Say that again, the last bit?’

‘Fuck off.’

‘Think we should go down and make our big entrance?’ James asked, raising his head.

‘No,’ Regulus answered, his tone impish. ‘Let’s wait.’

James swatted at him. ‘Drama king.’

‘I’m a Black. What did you expect? Did you learn nothing from Sirius?’ he asked, and James had to concede. 

They stood like that a little while, revelling in each others existence, until Regulus deemed it late enough that they could descend down the stairs. 

Everyone had arrived by now. James could see Marlene, resplendent in floaty, pale gold, looking like a dawning horizon, staring at the lead singer of the band; he could see Lily, in dark green velvet and pearls, the perfect match for her fiery hair and creamy skin and emerald eyes; he could see Peter, in loose silver robes that brought out his blue eyes and brightened his hair, with Sirius at the drinks table, attempting to persuade a steadfast McGonnagal to give them drinks; he could see Remus, looking on fondly from a safe distance, while others gave him jealous or desiring looks.

And he could see when everyone turned and saw him, coming down the stairs with Regulus’ arm through his own. He caught a sight of Sirius’ confused, then furious look, and grimaced internally, carefully not looking at his best friend. 

Regulus practically radiated smugness from beside him. In a flash, James realised he’d wanted all eyes on them not for the drama—though that probably was a bonus—but because he was possessive . He’d wanted everyone to know exactly who James was with tonight, and all the nights. 

‘Mr Potter, Mr Black,’ McGonagall said crisply, though there was a hidden smile in the corner of her mouth, ‘Seeing as you are so adept at commanding everyone’s attention, would you care to take the first dance?’

Regulus inclined his head. James’ smile felt as though it would burst from him. They stepped into the centre of the floor, a hundred eyes on them. The glossy floor was smooth beneath their feet, letting them glide over it easily. 

They’d practiced, hidden away in Regulus’ dorm, in secret moments when his friends were in the Slytherin common room and Regulus made excuses to meet James, who snuck behind their backs with his invisibility cloak. He’d hijack Barty’s record player to try play his favourite bands, but Regulus almost always slapped his hands away and played his beloved classics, and they’d twirl around to Chopin or Mozart. James always managed to get his way in the end, and Regulus would watch him affectionately, laughing when he tripped over a move trying to impress him.

James was grateful for those hours, because they spun and stepped elegantly, effortlessly now, practice smoothing the gestures free of any errors. He felt light, almost airy, as though with the right spin or lift he could raise Regulus straight into the galaxy whirling above them and dance among the stars. 

People were filing in now, couples impatient for their own turn in the spotlight, friends eager to do what they came here for: to dance. But he couldn’t think of anything except Regulus’ dark head resting on his shoulder, Regulus’ hands in James’, Regulus’ feet stepping neatly with his, Regulus, Regulus, Regu—

A hand fisted itself in James’ robes and yanked. He was jerked back roughly, surprised blooming through him, Regulus’ mouth falling open in an O shape. People were beginning to stare as Sirius Black dragged James Potter away.

‘Sirius— Sirius —’ James started, wriggling free of the other boy’s grip. 

‘Shut it, Potter,’ Sirius snarled, still marching furiously ahead. James glanced back and caught a sight of Regulus pushing through the crowds towards them, the same determined fury in his brother’s face echoed in his.

‘Sirius,’ James pleaded, ‘Just listen , I swear I can explain—’

‘Oh?’ Sirius cut in icily, glaring at James. ‘You can explain ? I don’t think I want an explanation of how you fucked my brother and dated him behind my back, James!’

‘I didn’t—’ James began, then fell silent. Sirius just stared at him accusingly, eyebrow raised, every inch of him saying, That’s what I thought .

James stared at the floor, toeing the ice. ‘We were careful,’ he mumbled, eager to say anything to ease his best friend’s anger.

‘Careful? CAREFUL?’ Sirius yelled. James flinched guiltily, but he didn’t seem to notice. ‘YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO BE CAREFUL, BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN WITH HIM—’

‘ Sirius !’ a voice interrupted. It was Regulus, with Remus and Peter behind him. They wore identical expressions of shock, except Regulus, who just looked angry.

‘And you!’ Sirius snarled, turning onto his brother. ‘How could you, going after my best mate?’

‘Don’t start on him,’ James interrupted desperately, ‘It was my fault, I swear—’

‘You don’t get to say who I yell at, James —’

‘Both of you, shut up!’ Regulus had stepped forward, arms crossed over his chest, eyes cold and face expressionless. James felt a stab of fear seeing him like this, he always did. It felt as though the Regulus he knew, the laughing, smiling Regulus had been locked away, and he always feared one day he wouldn’t return. 

‘It was both of our decisions,’ he said quietly. ‘Sirius, you can’t just blame James for something I did too—’

‘Oh, I’m not doing that,’ Sirius cut in, sneering. ‘I blame you both —how could you—’

‘We could because we can!’ Regulus snapped, and though he hated seeing him unhappy in any form, James couldn’t stop a little thrill of joy seeing something break that emotionless mask of his. It was proof that his Regulus was still there. 

‘There’s no law saying I can’t date James and he can’t date me,’ he continued, breathing hard. ‘You don’t control James’ life, you don’t control mine, we can date who we want—including each other, Sirius, listen to me ,’ because Sirius looked as though he would burst into an angry tirade at any second.

‘I know you want to control everyone because of… mother and father,’ Regulus said quietly, and Sirius stiffened instantly, his face going defensive and eyes shuttering. ‘No—no, you can’t just shut down,’ Regulus insisted. ‘You want to control everyone, because then they can be safe, but you have to—to shut those urges down, Sirius. You have to control yourself when you feel like that because that’s not how you love someone. You have to accept that James and I can date, and we can break each others hearts—not that we will—but we are allowed to do that and fall in love and you can’t stop us.’

James, Remus, and Peter had all looked away awkwardly when the brothers’ parents had been mentioned, feeling as though they were intruding on a private moment, but they’d listened to Regulus’ speech and were nodding now. James was focused on Regulus, feeling proud at his boyfriend for his maturity, but Remus didn’t look so happy. He nudged James.

‘What?’ James asked, and Remus nodded at Sirius, the corners of his mouth turned down. James followed his gaze, and his heart sank.

Because Sirius—it was so clear, to someone who had known him inside out for years, for someone as close to him as James was—it was so clear Regulus hadn’t gotten to him. It was so clear he was in that protective mode, when he went defensive and all his stubbornness came to the fore, and he wouldn’t listen to anything, no matter how intelligently put or how rational. 

His heart sank, because he knows, in this state, Sirius is at his worst. 

‘Oh, you want to talk about our parents, Reggie ?’ he whispered, stepping towards Regulus, and Regulus took a step back . He has never, ever, seen Reg back down, even an inch, even when it was stupid not to.

‘Sirius,’ Regulus breathed, almost sounding pleading, his eyes searching his brother’s for something. 

‘Well?’ Sirius asked. ‘We could talk about how you shut down. We could talk about how you never let yourself get close to anyone, not really. How you close yourself off when you feel yourself getting too close to someone, how you’re so fucking cold and emotionless and detatched all the time, like some fucking robot —’

Regulus flinched.

‘Sirius,’ Remus said quietly. ‘Enough.’

Sirius glared at him, but Remus just stared straight back.

But James was looking at Regulus. He’d seen the flash of pain in his eyes, and the way he’d covered up his emotions quickly, his mask slamming down like a wall of iron. 

It broke James’ heart.

Remus was murmuring to Sirius now, attempting to placate him. It seemed to work, because he allowed Remus to lead him away. Then he halted. 

‘James?’ Sirius asked, cocking his head to the side in a confused manner. James went cold all over.

Sirius looked expectant. Regulus was carefully expressionless. James didn’t know what to do.

Sirius looked at his brother, and at James, who was clearly hesitating. Something twisted in his mouth, his eyes growing heavier with something unreadable. Without another word, he pivoted, and stalked off. 

Remus and Peter looked apologetic, but left with Sirius. 

‘Go on,’ Regulus said quietly, venomously, as James stared after their retreating backs. ‘I know you want to leave, so leave.’

‘Regulus—’ James rubbed at his forehead, feeling tired all of a sudden. ‘Don’t. I said I’d stay, so I will.’ He moved closer to Regulus, who just stared up at him impassively. ‘I’ll never leave, love.’

‘I don’t want you to stay unless you want to,’ Regulus said, and James felt relieved as he saw a flash of emotion in his eyes.

‘I do, love. I want to stay. I promise. I’ll always want to stay.’

They were sitting down by now, leaning their backs against the hallway wall. Regulus leaned his head on James’ shoulder. It was a small gesture, one he’d done plenty of times, but it spoke volumes right now.

‘Don’t listen to him, Reg,’ James murmured. ‘When he gets like this… he says anything just to argue. Even things that aren’t true.’

When Regulus finally spoke, he sounded bitter. ‘I didn’t know that.’

Amongst those words are the things he didn’t say: I should have known that; I’m his brother. I’m his brother, and you know him better than I do. I’m his brother, and I don’t know him at all.

James sighed into his hair, his breath stirring the soft curls. ‘It’s not your fault,’ he said after a pause. There’s nothing else he could say.

Regulus nodded, once, a sharp thing. 

They sat like that for a while, Regulus leaning on James, watching the light from the ball play out on the floor of their hallway, muffled music floating in from the Great Hall. They do not speak. They don’t have to.