Happily Ever After
Wade hadn’t been in a hospital waiting room in a while, the last time he was in one, Ellie had appendicitis. Wade hated being in there, not as much as Ellie however, she had staged two escape attempts. Both would have succeeded if it weren’t for Wade’s cat like reflexes. However, this wasn’t like that, for starters there were no dollhouses in sight and Wade felt like this was a serious drawback. Also it wasn’t as dramatic when he brought Ellie in, Wade had carried Peter over his shoulder to the hospital, which made him feel like Shrek which was not what he wanted in this situation. The nurses all gasped when he brought Peter in, he couldn’t tell if it was because of the throwing knife sticking out of his shoulder/Peter’s back or all the spandex and guns. Both were very confrontational and a great conversation starter, apparently. At any rate Peter was wheeled off faster than Wade could say “yes those are tumours on my face but my friend has a knife in his back could that get some attention instead please?” Which Wade was surprised to find that he did have to say at one point.
He hadn’t seen Peter for hours now, he knew he was in surgery to get the knife out, which was promising Wade thought. At least they didn’t throw in the towel and go “well he’s not getting any deader”
{Great now Peter’s got us doing it}
Now he was up to his ears in insurance paperwork, which Wade has read over a thousand times and could only slightly make out. Wade doesn’t really need insurance and Ellie’s insurance was always handled by Bob, who used to scoff at him and mumbled things like “what kind of grown ass man doesn’t understand insurance paperwork? I mean honestly, Mr Wilson”. Wade was reduced to looking up Parker Industries in the hospital’s phone book and calling various numbers until someone a) believed him and b) could actually help him. So that took about ten years off of Wade’s lifespan. They said they’d send someone to help but that was the vaguest thing Wade had ever heard and honestly he wasn’t expecting anybody to rock up.
But by some miracle someone did. This woman with red hair suddenly appeared and grabbed the paperwork out of Wade’s hands.
“What did he do this time?” She asked as though she was amused by all this. Wade wasn’t particularly amused personally, although he had just carried Peter’s limp body to the hospital, which does tend to suck the humour out of a situation.
“Stabbed in the back.” Wade said.
“Again? God, the scars on that boys back. Clearly no one told him about the Ides of March.” She giggled at her own joke, Wade didn’t join in. The woman looked up from the paperwork at Wade. “Mary Jane Watson, the ex-wife and official cleaner of all his messes.” She offered her hand out for Wade to take, Wade shook it reluctantly.
“Wade Wilson, I’m Peter’s… Wade, I guess.” Wade shrugged, relationship figuring out wasn’t high priority this morning. Mary Jane’s eyes lit up all of a sudden.
“Oh! Oh, wow. That’s you! Wow! I never thought I’d meet you.” She looked him over with a look of wonder.
[Should we be alarmed or insulted?]
{Both couldn’t hurt}
“Um, okay?” Wade frowned as he pulled his hand away.
“Oh no, no don’t take it like that, it’s just I’ve heard quite a bit about you. And usually when I hear quite a bit about someone from Peter, I never end up meeting them this is as strange for me as it is for you.” Mary Jane quickly clarified. Wade was still a little insulted.
“Oh I doubt that.” Wade muttered.
“Sooo, did you really fake knowing science in order to impress him?” She smirked. Oh god.
“In my defence, I didn’t know he was Doctor Parker. I thought he was a typical human, I had no idea the levels of his nerdiness.” Wade protested.
“First mistake of dating Peter Parker, assuming he’s a normal human.” Mary Jane snorted as she looked back down at the paperwork in her lap and started writing things down.
“We’re not really dating. I mean we never got a chance to put any label on it.” Wade admitted.
“But you will.” Mary Jane said matter-of-factly, this wasn’t as reassuring as she would have hoped.
“How can you know?” Wade snapped.
[Ok now we’re just as bad as Ellie in a bad mood]
{Shut up! You’re not my real dad!}
“Let me guess passed out instantly, paler than normal face, glassy lifeless eyes and an instant dread in your stomach?” Mary Jane asked, Wade nodded. “Classic Peter Parker near death experience, I bet he even collapsed in your arms for dramatic effect. He’ll be fine.”
“But-“
“Trust me you’re not really dating Peter until he’s died in your arms a couple of times and you’ve died in his.” Mary Jane said as though that was a common thing to happen in relationships.
“That’s not going to be an issue, I can’t die.” Wade shrugged.
“No wonder he’s crazy about you.” Mary Jane replied dryly. There was a few minutes silence as Wade anxiously jiggled his leg. Mary Jane must’ve noticed because she piped up with this. “Look, I know the first time can be stressful, but he’ll be out of surgery, the surgeon will say something like ‘it’s remarkable it’s almost like there was no stab wound at all.’ And you’ll go in there wring his neck for worrying you like that and he’ll be home by dinner time.”
“Are you sure?” Wade asked, he was getting flashbacks to that conversation he had with Ellie a couple of days ago.
“If I could make a career out of watching that boy get his ass beat I would, I’d be a millionaire by now.” Mary Jane joked, it still wasn’t that comforting if Wade was being honest. In fact, if Wade was being really honest he’d admit that he was about one more bit of bad news from collapsing on the floor of the waiting room and never getting back up.
Watching his close personal friend’s ex-wife write insurance paperwork turned out to not be the most exciting thing Wade’s ever witnessed. And he could only read the gossip magazines so many times. The TV bolted to the wall was stuck on twenty four hour news and Wade was pretty sick of news at this point. He glanced up from the point on the floor he had been staring at for the past twenty minutes and looked at the TV. The clock on the corner of the screen read half past four.
[Ellie’d be home by now]
Wade had very few other options so he pulled his phone out of a pocket on his belt. He dialled Emily’s number and put the phone to his ear, thankful he never got round to putting his mask back on. He considered moving away from Mary Jane but honestly she seemed like the type to find out what you were talking about anyway.
“Wade, your daughter’s been waiting for you.” Emily said cheerily, she was much better at reading caller ID than her husband apparently. He heard yelling from the other end, knowing his gene pool it was more than likely that it was Ellie.
“Hold on, before you hand me over, I’m in hospital.” Wade started to explain.
“I feel like I shouldn’t ask why.” Emily interrupted.
{How I’ve missed her dulcet tones}
“No it’s Peter, he’s pretty badly injured.” Wade said shakily, thankfully he didn’t need to say more, Emily quickly grasped what he wanted to happen.
“Where are you? We’ll be there as soon as we can,” Emily said reassuringly, Wade suddenly felt a lot calmer than he did ten minutes ago. Although this moment was quickly ruined. “SHANE! I’M GOING OUT, PUT DINNER ON WITHOUT ME!”
[When our hearing has recovered in about ten years, we’ll truly appreciate the sentiment there]
Wade told her which hospital he was at and which waiting room he was in, and she was off, before he heard her hang up he heard Ellie start to yell in protest. Well he was glad he wasn’t there to deal with that. He doesn’t think he could handle Ellie in a stroppy mood right now, I mean he could never really handle her in a bad mood, but today in particular.
Wade knew the second Ellie had arrived, not due to any sort of father daughter bond, but because Ellie jumped on top of him and hugged him so forcefully he fell off his chair.
“Good to see you too, baby.” Wade groaned.
[Just remember she’s our daughter and we love her very much]
{Yeah but our back is not her biggest fan}
“Are you okay?” Ellie asked quietly, her arms still wrapped around Wade. Wade rubbed her back.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” Wade replied just as quietly before perking up. “Especially now you’re here. Did you miss me?” Wade attempted to sit up, it kind of worked. At least his back was not being pressed into the chair leg any more, Wade would call that a success.
“Maybe a little. But Dad I-“
“Only a little! I’m so insulted. I missed you so much that a rain cloud followed me everywhere I went.” Wade said dramatically.
“Good. Dad I have-” Ellie said again.
“Who’s this?” Mary Jane interrupted their family moment as though it wasn’t a nosey thing to do. Ellie huffed a very loud toddler like huff. Wade looked up at Mary Jane beaming.
“This is my daughter, Ellie, she’s the best.” Wade couldn’t suppress the proud father grin. He could however suppress the proud father info dump he’s been known to do.
{Someone out there one day will be fascinated by her A in math, just you wait}
Wade then turned back to his kid who was looking very pointedly at Wade.
[Considering she learnt her manners from us, she’s doing remarkably well]
“Ellie, this is Mary Jane, a friend of Peter’s.”
“You have kids?” Mary Jane spluttered.
{Do we just not seem the father type?}
[He asks covered in Lycra and guns]
“It looks that way.” Wade retorted, he was too happy to see Ellie again to put any effort into his sarcasm
“That’s… unexpected.” Mary Jane finally managed to reply. Rude.
“Thanks, I guess.”
“Dad-“ Ellie tried again to say
“No it’s not you it’s just, Peter always said he couldn’t see how he could have kids and… ‘wear spandex’ at the same time.” Mary Jane said confused.
[What a euphemism]
“Yeah but Peter has his spandex on all the fucking time.” Wade pointed out.
“DAD!”
“What, my darling child?” Wade said in a much calmer and sweeter voice than Ellie.
“I have a plan! But we need to do it now because Emily will not like this.” Ellie said as she pulled Wade a little away from MJ.
{Ohoho! My kinda plan!}
“Well if Emily doesn’t like it.” Wade started to say, he should at least attempt to parent at times.
“Sister Moonshine! It’s important!” Ellie whispered, and with that she had Wade’s full attention. She pulled out the copy of Teen Vogue out of her backpack that Wade swore he confiscated. “I looked at the list and number ten says ‘It never hurts to sacrifice a goat or two to get the powers that be to get the playing field in your favour’ and I think that that’s our only option at this point.”
[And that’s how you know she’s a Wilson]
{Let’s sacrifice a fucking goat in the emergency waiting room why the fuck not}
“Where’s your goat, sister?”
“Well, I couldn’t really get one, but I have this that’s just as powerful.” Ellie said as she rummaged through her bag. She pulled out something that shook Wade to his very core.
“Eleanor, you don’t have to do this.” Wade murmured. It was Babby Baa Baa, her toy sheep.
[And only thing left from her mom, don’t forget]
“Dad, don’t tell the gods but we can sew him up later” Ellie whispered, but a typical twelve year old whisper so the entire emergency room heard.
{Does she know that our local seamstress, Bob, would decimate us if he saw we did this?}
“I mean-”
“There’s no time, she’s coming, quick give me the knife!”
“What knife?”
“I know you have one!”
“Nah uh, no way am I giving my twelve-year-old a knife”
“Then you do it.”
“Well ok.” Wade said as though that was any better. He got one of his many secret knives out, this time from the back of his waistband.
“Aphrodite we call out to you.” Wade started to say.
“Dad, we don’t have time!”
“Well the gods need to know we’re here, Ellie.”
“Wade, what are you doing?” MJ asked looking up from her paperwork.
[I guess it’s not normal to bring a knife out in a waiting room]
“Dad!”
“Aphrodite this one’s for you,” Wade said as he chopped off the head of his daughter’s most prized possession.
“WADE! WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU DOING?” Emily yelled from across the hallway.
“Emergency surgery on Babby!” Ellie said far too quickly for it to be believable.
{Another fine mess you’ve gotten us into}
“He had an infection.” Wade said as he very quickly hid the knife back from whence it came. Ellie did the same for the body.
[We have taught her some very bad habits]
“I told you to stay by me, Ellie!” Emily scolded as she came closer. “And don’t think I didn’t see what I clearly just saw, Wade Wilson,”
“Um, is this standard behaviour here?” MJ finally had enough, apparently.
[Peter must have done weirder surely]
“Sadly yes,” Emily scoffed. “How’s he doing, Wade?
“Still in surgery last we heard.” Wade replied
“So just so I’m up to date Peter is…?” Emily looked so out of the loop.
“Dad’s boyfriend, we talked about this in the car.” Ellie said, totally ashamed at Emily’s gossip abilities.
“And I still don’t believe you,” Emily said and stuck her tongue out at Ellie who scrunched her face up in return. “Who is he really?” Emily asked Wade.
“Well, he’s quite FRIENDLY and he’s always around your NEIGHBOURHOOD, and he has a weird obsession with SPIDERS, MAN!” Wade said subtly.
[Not]
{The winking while yelling is a gift I wasn’t aware we had}
“Oh! Oh Wade you didn’t.” Emily said scandalised.
“I tried to but then he went and got stabbed!” Wade said as though Peter intentionally got stabbed in order to sabotage their newfound relationship
“That’s quite a setback.” Emily remarked. She looked so amused by this situation.
{Why is everyone we know so entertained by our pain?}
“My moment of complete devastation is not a setback!” Wade said deeply offended, Emily sighed before she sat in the chair next to Wade.
“Wade,” Emily said comfortingly as she placed her hand on Wade’s shoulder. “I’ve seen that boy’s dossier, he has survived far far worse than… what happened to him?”
“He was stabbed in the back of his chest with a throwing knife.” Wade quickly caught Emily up.
“Oh that’s actually quite bad.” Emily said before she quickly corrected herself. “Still, it’s survivable. And he has that healing ability, right? He’ll eventually be back to normal.”
“I feel like you should be better at this then you are.” Wade confessed. Emily scoffed at that and quickly took her hand back from Wade’s shoulder.
“So… are you Ellie’s…” Mary Jane trailed off. Emily looked at her before cracking up laughing.
“Her mother? With him? Oh bless your heart.”
“I’m sorry, are you trying to tell me that you wouldn’t want to sleep with me?” Wade said deeply offended.
“Dad! You’re being gross.” Ellie said disgusted.
“And are you trying to tell me you would?” Emily raised her eyebrow.
“I don’t know, Emily, you’ve never asked.” Wade said coyly. He could see Ellie’s head about to explode.
[This took a turn]
{A turn I’m all on board with}
“Well, at any rate, no I am not Ellie’s mother, I’m just a friend of the family. Or rather I like Ellie, I put up with Wade.” Emily brought the subject to a swift close.
“Don’t we all.” Ellie sighed.
[Ouch]
“These young ones, no respect.” Wade scoffed. It was at that moment a man in a green scrubs walked into the waiting room.
[You mean a doctor?]
{Well you’d think that.}
“Ah, you must be the Parker family.” The doctor said to Wade.
“How’s he doing?” Wade said as held Ellie a little tighter.
“It’s remarkable, it’s almost like there was no wound at all.” He said. Wade let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
“Oh thank fuck.”
“He’s in recovery he should be waking up soon.”
“Can we see him?” Wade asked.
“I wouldn’t recommend all of you at once but yes you may. Follow me.”
“MJ,” Wade said looking at her, I mean, she’s the ex-wife it makes sense.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” MJ scoffed.
[Can’t tell if she’s doing it out of kindness or spite]
{Let’s hope we never do}
Wade got up off the floor and started to follow the doctor. Ellie was trailing behind him, Wade would typically say no to his daughter being in this kind of environment. However, Wade has only just noticed he’s holding onto Ellie’s hand and he’s the one grasping it tight.
“Just in here.”
“Thank you.” Ellie said. She had to, because Wade had lost the ability to talk. Peter was lying in a hospital bed and he had his gown on and he looked totally hopeless and Wade wasn’t coping. He was at death’s door and Wade was gonna lose him and this whole list thing was for nothing and now Ellie would have to not be grounded because the bet would have to be off if there’s no one to romance.
“Dad!” Ellie was trying to walk into the room but Wade was just standing there
[How come she’s so often the adult?]
{Um, have you met us}
“Wade?” Peter said croakily as he squinted in Wade and Ellie’s general direction.
“Oh, thank god, I thought you dead.” Wade said without even slightly thinking.
“Dad, he was clearly moving.”
“How are you feeling?” Wade asked awkwardly as he began to shuffle slowly over to Peter. Ellie was looking at him as though an alien had taken the place of her father.
“Well, obviously not great.” Peter smiled with an ever so slight furrow of his eyebrows.
{I’ve never felt so judged in my LIFE}
[We can just go right? That’s still in the cards]
“I can see, I guess, I don’t know why I asked that.” Wade was nearing the edge of the bed.
[Oh god what if Peter expects us to make a move?]
{There’s nothing to be done, we have to-}
“You know I’m not gonna break right?” Peter said as though he was reading Wade’s thoughts as they popped up around him.
“I didn’t say that!”
“Wade, I’m Spiderman, it takes more than that to take me down.”
“Hey, wait! Fuck off! I saw the life fade out of your eyes that’s not nothing. Ellie block your ears.” Wade said as he suddenly remembered his daughter was in the room. “You’re not unbreakable Peter, you can fuck right off with that attitude, I watched you die and you wanna joke about it with me? No fucking way. I’ve had it, Peter Parker, you need to look after yourself. The is not gonna be a regular thing with me, I have a kid to think about.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No I- Being hit with a throwing knife isn’t your fault, Peter.”
“But you’re right, I don’t care if I die.” Peter said bluntly
[I don’t know how to reply to that]
{Ellie’s ears are still blocked right?}
“Maybe you should start.”
“I mean now that I’ve got a reason to.” Peter said as he looked at Wade with a lot more tenderness than Wade deserved. Suddenly Ellie dropped her unzipped backpack as she sat on one of the visitor’s chairs, spilling out Babby and his head, the copy of Teen Vogue, and a scrap of black cloth. Oh my god, no.
“Ellie!” Wade turned to face her and did the universal expression for hide it now! Ellie, however, has too much teenager in her apparently, to recognise basic human facial expressions.
“Hey, I didn’t do it on purpose!”
“Eleanor!”
“Why is there blood and your handwriting on that magazine?”
“First of all, it’s mint tea.”
“Do you wanna see?” Ellie the traitor asked as she picked it up and handed it to him. Peter read it and his face went on a wild journey as it slowly realised what has been going on. It didn’t help that Wade and Ellie had written seduction ideas in the margins.
“Wade. Have you and your daughter been using the worst Cosmo article I’ve ever read to seduce me?”
[I’d be horrified too I don’t blame the guy]
“It’s Teen Vogue actually.” Wade said sheepishly.
“We had a bet!” Ellie said cheerfully.
“A bet?” Peter turned to look at Wade for an explanation which Wade definitely did not have.
“Um, it didn’t involve you initially if that’s any better.”
{It is not}
“I’m sorry?” Peter asked incredulously. Ellie finally picked up that they were in trouble.
“It’s my fault! I bet my grounding on it, and we worked so hard! Cause I really like you and I know Dad does. And I know it’s a terrible list but it worked! We did a blood sacrifice and everything! And you’re still here!”
“We absolutely did not! It was a love spell and we only cut the head off your toy, it was not that bad!” Wade corrected haughtily.
[He doesn’t believe us]
“This is just regular life for you two huh?”
“We’ve never done witchcraft before, that was new.” Ellie offered.
“Well for future reference. You could have just offered to do a piano duet and I’d have been seduced, you didn’t need to ninja up.” Peter said, and that was close to acceptance as Wade was gonna get.
{We did a little}
“That’s boring though!” Ellie scoffed.
“It is pretty dull, Parker.” Wade smirked.
“What can I say, I’m a simple guy!”
“You’re anything but honestly.”
“That’s why you fit so well with us!” Ellie said. They were all quiet for moment as Wade needed a second to resolidify his melted heart.
“She’s not wrong.” Wade finally said.
“Well I don’t know number fifteen says I have to swear off love if I ever want your attention.”
“Well if you look up number nine it says to proposition heavily.” Wade retorted as he sat on the bed next to Peter.
“What do you suggest, cowboy?”
“Marry me?”
“What?” Ellie cried, looking totally flabbergasted.
“Sorry you’re right that was dumb, I was in the moment.” Wade agreed immediately, Peter looked very amused though.
{Go for it}
“Marry me a little, though?”
“Love me just enough, eh?”
“I’ve changed my mind, suddenly.”
“Cry but not too often.”
“This can’t be.”
“Play but not too rough.” Peter started to sing.
“You’re so gay!”
“Kiss me.”
And he did.
And then Ellie told them stop because they were being too gross.
But they didn’t.