chapter 7
Bucky’s pov~
I headed straight to the gym and took out all my frustration on multiple punch bags, I was a fucking idiot if I thought even for a second I could be with someone after what hydra did to me, I’m a monster and in forgetting that I could have seriously hurt (y/n) the last person on this earth I want to hurt,
I continued punching the shit out of the bag until a veil of sweat covered my forehead, “buck you ok?” Steve walked in showing his usual look of concern whenever I started having flash backs of hydra or my years as the winter soldier I would work off my stress like this destroying a few punching bags was always better than taking out my rage on an unsuspecting victim…
“Yeah I’m good” I spat out my words venomously not meaning to aim them at Steve,
“Sure doesn’t look like it, you having flashbacks again?” he asked,
“I said I’m fine” I replied sending the punching bag flying across the room after punching it to hard
“Buck, come on man talk to me” Steve urged seeing my resolve,
“I love her Steve. I fucking love her” I said angrily more so to myself than Steve,
he looked shocked for a second not expecting that answer then is gaze softened “buck there’s nothing wrong with that, you both have been through so much and from the way I’ve seen her look at you I wouldn’t be far off in guessing she feels the same way.”
I stared at him wondering why he thought (y/n) felt the way she did. “It’s not as simple as that Steve I could hurt her even worse I could kill her” I raised my voice in a feeble attempt to hide my shame because the fact was I couldn’t just pretend not to have feelings for her, now she knew, and I knew she felt the same way,
“Bucky we’re past this you’re not going to hurt anyone especially not (y/n)! You deserve to be happy.” He looked at me pleadingly as if trying to convince a child.
“You know that’s not true, all it takes is 2 seconds, 2 seconds of me having a flash back or a breakdown and snapping her neck, I can’t do it Steve, I just cant, if I hurt her I’ll never forgive myself…”
I sat down on the bench next to Steve and rubbed my forehead he patted my back and said “Bucky you need to trust yourself more I know you won’t hurt her no matter what you think but if you really believe that maybe you should just try pretend not to like her that way?” he shrugged
“It’s too late for that Steve, I wish I could go back I really fucked up” I put my head in my hands and breathed deeply
“What do you mean too late buck?” Steve questioned worriedly
“she was going to leave, I had to tell her, I kissed her… well she kissed me, I mean well we did a lot more than kiss” I staggered over my words trying to explain before Steve jumped to conclusions,
“we didn’t go further than that technically I mean we was going to but I, I got too...he got too….” I trailed off unable to explain Steve knew whenever I referred to myself as ‘he’ I meant the winter soldier he knew I hated that part of myself and always thought of it as hydra and not a part of me.
“Wow buck… you need to talk to (y/n) you both deserve a win…” Steve sighed getting up from his seat heading for the door, he turned around before he left “I think (y/n) trusts you a lot more than you know, and that isn’t for no reason.” He left and is words hung in the air and served as a conscious for my thoughts, in all honesty I had no idea what I was going to do, the taste of (y/n)’s lips still lingered on my own and the softness of her touch haunted me, I needed to see her but at the same time I knew I had to force myself to stay away for her own sake.