Steve was plenty used to pretentious artsy assholes; he’s spent the better half of the last ten years in the art world making a name for himself so it was par for the course. He was equally used to pretentious business people underestimating how much work went into art because they were under the impression that producing beauty was an easy job. There were moments, though, when everything went wrong in all the right ways and this happened to be one of those days for him.
See, his friends had made a bet and art was subjective so he had gone for it. He didn’t expect Erskine and Peggy, his agents, to love the painting; it was a joke so bad that it bordered on satire. But they had thought it was great and he had gone along with it because that was part of the bet. The deal was that he was to ride this thing out as far as it could go before the painting either sold or stopped getting press so here he was, at an art gallery watching as people became weirdly offended or overjoyed by his work.
He spots a familiar figure squinting at his painting and he goes over, full well knowing the great Tony Stark had no appreciation of art so he wouldn’t know who he was. Truthfully he just wanted to know what hilarious statement he would make about the terrible piece of work, the man was considerably famous for saying all the wrong things to all the right people at art galleries. “What do you think?” he asks and Tony turns and for a moment the man looks stunned, like he can’t quite comprehend what was in front of him. Steve ducks his head in embarrassment, knowing exactly what was running through Tony’s mind but he still hadn’t gotten used to the growth spurt. It’s been years since he was small and thin but it left him with a near lifetime of conditioning that did not prepare him for his debut as hegemonic masculinity’s perfect mould.
Tony gains control quickly though and grins, “I think this is the most fucking absurd piece of art I have ever seen. I almost want it on principal, I mean this is art? I had no idea it could be so… fun,” he says, snickering. Steve laughs too but for a different reason. It might not be nice, not telling Tony who he was, but come on, this was a precious experience and he was not about to pass it up.
“The artist says it’s like… some symbol of misogyny and patriarchy, full of itself,” he says. At this Tony throws back his head and lets out a hearty laugh.
“Oh, oh that’s good but that is giant cock and I refuse to accept an erection is somehow a feminist statement,” he says.
Steve laughs along with this too, “I know right? What a joke,” he says and they snicker, making fun of the painting all while Tony had no clue that he was talking to the guy who painted it.
“I almost want to get it so that I can hang it in my office so when I have meetings people will be so uncomfortable with the giant erect dick over my head that they’ll go for whatever I tell them to,” Tony says, eyes just bright enough to indicate he was probably a little drunk.
He snorts, “pretty sure it’ll become a symbol of how much of a giant dick you are if you do that,” he says and they both laugh.
“That’s a fate I’ve already accepted,” he says, “and what about you? What do you do aside from make fun of some pretentious asshole’s attempt at a feminist statement?” he asks.
“Well, I’m fond of pranks,” he says, grinning just to see if Tony would catch on but he doesn’t.
“We should go prank the dickweed who painted this shit and tell him the only thing that’s misogynistic and full of himself is him. I mean who makes a feminist statement by painting a giant dick, how is that about women? A giant erect phallus is now a symbol of feminism. What the fuck?” he asks, rolling his eyes.
Yeah, that was exactly what Steve had thought too, Trans women notwithstanding, but going with a penis of all things to represent them would also be incredibly insensitive. But no, this just looked some privileged asshat trying being feminist without actually understanding what he was trying to symbolize. It was basically the definition of male privilege to paint a giant dick to represent a movement about women. It looked like a horrendously bad joke, which technically it was, he supposed.
He couldn’t fucking believe he has gotten this far with such a horrible piece with an even worse explanation because Tony was right, this was a terrible painting. “Sure, we could do that but the joke might be on you,” he says. Tony blinks in confusion but Pepper catches up with him then and drags him off, talking fast and low, probably assuming that Tony had something wrong to the right person. She wasn’t wrong in her defense and Tony’s face when he realizes is fucking hilarious.
Tony comes walking back over after Pepper releases him looking a mixture of weary and impressed, “Pepper says I need to apologize but I think you need to apologize because that is an embarrassment to feminism,” he say and Steve bursts out laughing.
“Oh my god, I don’t believe my own statement, Tony, I got asked what it meant and panicked,” he says, “I thought people would think it was satire or something.” To be fair he was pretty sure Peggy thought it was satire but she was a sharp woman, she would have seen straight through his bullshit explanation anyways.
He considers Steve’s words for a moment, squinting at him, “so, to be clear here, you’re trolling everyone in the art world with a blatantly pretentious painting and no one has caught on?” he asks.
“Basically,” Steve says, “this started as a joke between my friends and I. I had no idea that this painting was going to be on sale for an outrageous amount of money.”
Tony grins, “then I hope you’re willing to make a trip back to my office with that god awful painting of yours,” he says. The pick-up line was cheesy at best but Tony was funny and genuinely good company, Steve was willing to see where this went. After all it was part of the bet to go along with whatever the painting brought to him. He tells Tony that in the interest of not being a total asshole, but he also makes it clear that he wasn’t about to pass up a night with Tony Stark cock painting or no. “Well than honey, let’s go, I’m curious to see if that painting is modeled after the real thing,” he says.
Steve snorts because that was an even worse pick-up line than the first but this was Tony Stark, that was pretty par for the course if all those rumors about him were true.