Rite of Passage
Trust.
Natasha wasn't used to it, especially someone with her past, in her line of work. There was Clint, but they were best friends. She didn't have anyone else, not even Nick. Yet, this man. Steve Rogers, THE Captain America, told her that he would trust her to protect him when no one else could.
This declaration shook Natasha to her core, but she played it off with a pithy remark about Steve finding out that he died for nothing. Natasha rarely let her walls fall or allowed herself to be vulnerable with anyone, but it felt so natural and easy with Steve that she wasn't sure how to process it. So masking her true feelings was necessary.
As a spy, Natasha was used to having a good grip on her emotions, being very careful to never show how she was really feeling around someone unless she wanted them to. Even then, she would play off the other person and make them think she felt a certain way when she really didn't. That was a part of her job, keeping people guessing, getting them to a vulnerable point where she could expose them. It's what she did best.
That moment she and Steve shared in Sam's guest bedroom...that hadn't been planned. Natasha tried to shrug off how she was feeling to Steve, but he was a very observant, person. The nonchalant expression on her face wasn't perfected and she knew that she'd opened herself up to questions. Strangely enough, it was easy for her to respond to him.
Realizing that she had been working for HYDRA all along shook Natasha to her core. For the many years she'd worked for the KGB, there was never any kind of regret or remorse for the terrible things she did. After Clint was sent to kill her, but instead, gave her a chance to turn straight and work for SHIELD, she'd taken it with nary hesitation.
Even though Natasha had been trained to be emotionless and not care for her targets, to only be objective and finish her missions, she'd begun to understand that there was a hole inside of her. She was merely a reflection of her job; she had nothing to set her apart from other people. Honestly, working for the KGB, she was more of a automaton than a human being. There was still a tiny piece of that little girl who was raised in the Red Room, the little girl who wanted to be free.
The only freedom she could find was in death.
When Clint had come to kill her, Natasha didn't try to fight him. She laid down her weapons and stood before him, eyes wide open and said, "Do it." Thankfully, he lowered his bow and decided not to follow through with his orders. When Clint looked at Natasha, all he could see was a scared kid, at the end of her rope and looking for a release in death.
Clint saw that, as bad as Natasha was, she was worth saving. So he brought her in. A lot of hell was raised over what he'd done. People were afraid for the safety of the American public, threats of the infamous Black Widow having an undercover job to destroy SHIELD from the inside out. All kinds of ideas and rumors floated around about her.
Luckily, Nick Fury had stepped in and backed Clint's decision. He took the matter to Alexander Pierce himself, the head of SHIELD and a good friend of his. They had a private three hour meeting behind closed doors and, in the end, the kill order on Natasha's life was officially removed.
All of this happened a decade ago and since then, Natasha had been a loyal SHIELD agent. Because of her Red Room training, she was deadly with nearly any weapon and could blend into any environment like a chameleon. She could sneak into the most heavily guarded, off limits places in the world. Infiltration and extraction was her middle name. Those were the two things she excelled at besides being one of the most dangerous people on the planet.
Strange, how people feared her just by her code name and yet, it was her own emotions that could bring her to her downfall sooner than anything else. Piece by piece, the more Natasha got to know Steve, the more she was certain that her carefully constructed walls would start to tumble around her. Revealing her true feelings wasn't so bad when she was with him.
That moment she and Steve shared in Sam's guest room was a rare moment when she felt like maybe, just maybe she could be herself around him. If he trusted her with his life sans reservations, he might be able to accept her as she truly was. She'd already bore a part of her soul to him. Steve Rogers was filling her life with his presence and she wanted more of him.
And yes, Sam came along and the magic was gone. Still, Natasha would always remember the moment when Steve Rogers, a man that she'd secretly begun looking up to since they fought side by side battling the Chit'auri in New York, told her that he trusted her. Steve was the epitome of everything good, honorable and just. He was a real patriot, a leader, a bona fide superhero and he was willing to put his faith in her, a spy who usually looked out for herself and never stayed around when it wasn't safe.
Only this time, she wanted to stay, and prove to Steve that she could own his trust. Something about Steve inspired her, made her want to be better. He was like a balm for her soul and she knew when she looked into his blue eyes that his presence could be addictive if she let it. So she played off her attraction and kept sending potential dates his way. It was her way of protecting herself from falling too hard.
Deep down, Natasha knew that, from the way her heart warmed around Steve, the way her breath caught whoever he walked into a room, no amount of suppression could stop the feelings she had for him. The warm gaze he directed towards her during their quiet talk in the guest room was all too clear. If reading people had taught her anything, she could see that Steve was beginning to feel the same way.