He was the sun, and I was the moon. And we could never touch.
***
Steve turned to face Bucky, his facial expression conveying happiness while his body revealed otherwise. His movements were stiff as he approached the table Bucky was sitting on.
He couldn't stop staring at Steve, the ache in his chest growing as the other man came closer. He could still see the small punk from Brooklyn in those eyes, eyes which held such fire. But now they just show how tired and done with everything he was. The war was over but there were still casualties.
Like his arm.
He glanced down at the stump of his metal arm, covered by a black sock. There was a disconnect now; he had lost his arm again. But Steve was safe and that's what mattered. Even though it was his fault in the first place.
Everything had been Bucky's fault.
"Hey"
Bucky looked over at Steve, whose façade had fallen away to reveal his weariness and hesitance about their situation. He couldn’t even imagine how he would feel if the situation was reversed.
"Are you sure about this?"
Bucky smiled and it didn't hurt this time. He knew it was the right thing to do.
"Until we can get all this under control, I believe this is the best solution."
He knew that Steve had wanted him to say no so they wouldn't have to go through with it but he had no choice. He was a danger.
Even to Steve.
Steve, who had filled him with warmth from the moment they met and gave him a sense of purpose in life. Steve, who always had Bucky's back even in the worst of times.
Steve who had risked his life for Bucky and given up everything to be with him.
Steve who had a life outside of Bucky.
Steve who needed to move on without him.
"I only just got you back" Steve said out of the blue, startling Bucky. His gaze had slid down to the ground and there was a stubborn set to his jaw.
He could recognise the signs; his friend was barely holding it together.
"This isn't the end of the line" Bucky replied softly, his mouth curving up into a reassuring smile. He had to suppress his fears and put on a brave face, not for his own sake of course.
A small, choked-off sound escaped from Steve as he pulled Bucky into a tight embrace, completely catching the other man off-guard.
A memory flashed in Bucky's mind; a much smaller Steve walking up to him and hugging him before he had to go fight for his country. It was the last time he saw Steve before he had taken the serum, he thought as a pang of nostalgia resonated through him.
Still getting used to affectionate touches, he awkwardly patted Steve back's while trying to ease the tension from his own body.
He didn't want to forget this.
The strong, sure arms holding him close; the soft blonde hair tickling his cheek and the warmth of Steve's body chasing away all of his doubts. His heart had begun to race.
The word almost got caught in his throat; he knew they had to let go.
"Punk."
Steve's grip tightened briefly as he choked out a laugh. "Jerk."
They pulled away from each other after another moment's hesitation; Bucky had sighed softly after Steve let go. He pretended to not notice how Steve’s hand lingered on his shoulder for a brief moment.
His eyes automatically met Steve's; there was so much sadness in the sea of blue.
But what could he say to reassure Steve?
The only idea that came to Bucky was something that had remained unsaid between them. But it had never needed to be said. Even in that moment.
An absent thought crossed his mind: he should just kiss him. It would be so easy, just a simple tug of Steve's shirt and Bucky would be able to press a gentle kiss to his lips.
His heart began to speed up in chest once more.
His fingers twitched on the table.
"Are you ready, Mr. Barnes?" The technician asked him as he entered the room, snapping Bucky out of his thoughts.
He could feel Steve's eyes on him as he answered the technician gruffly. "Yeah."
With a slight swing of his legs, he hopped off the table and walked past Steve without looking at him.
Stepping into the machine, Bucky took deep and steady breaths as the technician hooked him up. He didn't want to freak out since this machine was different from the one HYDRA kept him in and Steve was watching him. Steve didn’t need any more sad memories.
"Okay, here we go" the technician said softly as he stepped towards the control panel and with a push of the button, the glass closed around Bucky.
Bucky's eyes went to Steve, wanting to commit every detail of him to memory. He saved Steve's face for last and he had to control himself when he saw the tears brimming in the other man’s eyes.
He was so beautiful. He always was.
Bucky closed his eyes as the cold enveloped him.
He would be lying if he said that he had gone under with no regrets.
***
He was the sun.
I was the moon.
And we could never be together.