a solution
CH 9
Two more weeks had pass with steady but difficult progress as Bucky continued to push himself as hard as he could, at times becoming distraught and acting out with violent and destructive temper tantrums that he was ashamed of after, his emotions still difficult to regulate. His motor skills had been improving as had his speech but his constant struggle left him irritable and sullen.
It was late afternoon and he sat stiffly at the dining room table in the common area focusing on opening a package of rice pudding, an easy to swallow snack that Bucky could retrieve from the refrigerator by himself without asking others for help. Steve sat nearby sketching but couldn’t help glancing up at his friend who was struggling to pinch the tinfoil lid and pull it back. Steve tried to keep his face neutral and his gaze fixed on the page in front of him even as he watched Bucky’s frustration with the simple task escalate as he attempted to control the muscles of his flesh hand and not squeeze the pudding too hard with his metal one. He wanted to offer help but knew that the only way Bucky would continue to improve was by practicing and forging the neurological connections from his brain to his muscles. Steve frowned in sympathy as Bucky let out a huff of annoyance as the cup slipped and fell on it’s side still unopened.
The Captain looked up at the far corner behind Bucky where Sam, Bruce and Stark all watched the Sargent battle the pudding cup with determination and intensity. As the former assassin continued to labor at the simple task, brow knit and eyes focused, the tension in his body was increasing and sending uncontrollable tremors through his muscles. Finally with a guttural cry of frustration and anger Bucky clenched his metal hand into a fist, smashing the pudding and sending glops of white all over the table and himself. The cry was broken and filled with strangled humility as Bucky hung his head in defeat, shoulders shaking in silent sobs at his failure. His emotions were so drastic and uncontrollable that he often tried to hid away in embarrassment, avoiding eye contact.
Steve glanced over at his friends who exchanged understanding looks, then set down his sketch book and walked over to Bucky, sitting down next to him. With calm reassurance, Steve rest a hand on Bucky’s right shoulder, massaging the tensed muscle with firm pressure as his friend struggled to withhold muffled cries of exasperation and hopeless whimpers of rage and despair, eyes squeezed shut and face hidden in his metal palm. Steve spoke softly, using reassuring words to remind him of how far he had come and how well he was doing. Near by Natasha appeared with a wet wash cloth as she quietly wiped the pudding from his clothes and body.
When she took his metal hand away from his face to wipe away the sticky pudding he looked up at her with wet eyes filled with humility and despair, shoulders slumped and mouth in a pout. Natasha offered him a gentle smile and used the cloth to wipe his wet cheeks and then the pudding on his metal hand. She stroked his hair that was now it’s normal length, short on the sides and messy on the top. Bucky swallowed as he averted his eyes from her sympathetic expression and once more hung his head with a deflated sigh.
“I know it’s hard Barnes, we all do…….But you can do this. We believe in you!” Natasha bent low and whispered into his hear then kissed his temple before standing up straight exchanging a look with Steve as he offered her a nod and thankful smile beneath worried eyes as his hand rubbed Bucky’s back soothingly. The sullen Sargent leaned into Steve with an another deep sigh, eyes still down cast but the trembling of his tense muscles easing to only small twitches and shakes.
“I…….hate…….this…….Steve.” Each word was said with deliberate effort so they were not slurred, just slow.
“I know you do Buck,……… It just takes time,……… you are recovering so well,….. but you need to be patient with yourself……….. I promise it will get easier pal.” Steve sighed as he wrapped his arm around Bucky who had collapsed against him limply, exhausted from his effort and discouraged that he couldn’t do something so simple.
A moment later Clint walked over and casually put down a bowl of the rice pudding in front of Bucky, a spoon stuck in the middle. The Sargent looked at the bowl then up at Clint who just shrugged and nodded before walking away, their exchanges always simple and uncomplicated. Steve smiled as Bucky smirked at the bowl and then sat up straight taking a calming breath and carefully focusing as he used his right hand to hold the spoon. Steve watched with quiet support as Bucky maneuvered the spoon and then picked up the pudding, leaning forward and shoveling it into his mouth. With a relived sigh Bucky’s shoulders relaxed and a smile crossed his face as he chewed and swallowed, before again focusing on the task at hand.
A brilliant streak of lighting flashed in the early evening sky outside the large glass doors of the balcony and a crash of Thunder followed as Thor suddenly appeared on the balcony after being gone for almost a month. He was about to open the doors when they slid automatically, a new feature Stark upgraded after the last time the God of thunder made his entrance and pulled the door of the hinges accidently. He looked puzzled for a moment then smirked and nodded at Stark in acknowledgement.
“People who carry hammers really have no business around large panes of glass. Especially since we discovered that reinforced bullet proof is not Thor hammer proof!” Tony declared as a greeting to the Asgardian who nodded with an amused smile before greeting the others with handshakes and friendly smiles. Thor made his way around the room and then paused after shaking Steve’s hand, gesturing toward Bucky who had once more resumed his intensely focused task of eating, fumbling with the spoon as he glared with single minded focus at the pudding.
“How is our brother in arms fairing?....... He seems to have healed a great deal since last I lay eyes upon him.” Thor’s normally booming voice was subtle and discreet, whispered so that only Steve and Bruce could hear him, the others still staggered around the room. Steve looked over his shoulder at Bucky and watched with a heartfelt sigh as his friend’s grip on the spoon faltered and the pudding landed on his gray shirt instead of in his mouth. The Sargent huffed with annoyance and looked away from the pudding as he took a calming breath before once more carefully gripping the spoon. Natasha slid in next to him and used one finger to scoop the pudding off of Bucky’s shirt and into her mouth with a raised eyebrow. Her expression made the Sargent blush as he shook his head with a small chuckle.
“He’s hanging in there.” Steve sighed again and looked back toward Thor with a helpless shrug. “Its hard for him,……. Maybe even harder then before.” Steve rubbed the back of his neck as he spoke to Thor and Bruce quietly as Sam and Clint joined them. Steve glanced toward Bucky again who was grinning as Natasha leaned forward mouth open as he awkwardly fed her another bite of rice pudding.
“When we first brought him here,….. God,….” Steve shook his head with a grimace. “He was a mess, his mind was all over the place, hallucinations and nightmares,….. and the physical stress from starvation and detox from Hydra’s drugs….it almost killed him.” Steve’s voice was heavy and thick with emotion as he turned back to face his friends and teammates. Bruce nodded as he recalled the months of psychological rehabilitation and the life threatening toxicology that had left the Winter Soldier on death’s door step.
“But once his body healed, he just had to get his head together…… and it was hard, but,….. so much of his struggle was inside his own mind, all we could do was be there for him and try to help him remember.” Steve swallowed and wiped his face.
“This……..” He gestured helplessly with a shake of his head “…. it’s almost worse…… His mind is there, his memories came back and he knows who he is, and where. But……. he doesn’t have control over his own body……. I think that feeling,….. that sense of loss,…… and vulnerability,……. Helplessness…..’ Steve watched as Bucky tried to keep the smile on his face beneath pained eyes, once more struggling to feed himself. “That lack of control,….. I think it scares him and he fights back against his injury,…….. pushing himself too hard because he hates feeling trapped and useless.” Steve swallowed and looked at his feet and then up at the others with a worried glance. “Bucky is a fighter, always has been,….. but in this battle, there is no one to fight against but himself,……. And I’m worried he might get more self-destructive the longer it takes him to recover.” Steve felt the weight of his own words heavy on his chest and he sighed, rubbing his eyes. He felt Sam’s hand on his shoulder and Supportive reassurance from the others, their words of patience so similar to his own softly spoken encouragement to Bucky only moments before.
Steve looked up when he felt another strong hand land on his other shoulder. Thor held him at arm’s length with a serious look in his eyes but also a soft smile on his lips.
“Captain,…… I have brought a gift from the healers of my world.” Thor’s words held promise but also caution and concern.
“A gift?....... To help Buck?” Steve’s voice was a mixture of disbelief and urgency, half pleading and half demand. Thor nodded then looked past the Captain toward Bucky with an uncertainty.
“It will heal our brother,….. but it will also cause him to suffer,……. And I do not know if the pain is worth the relief of an immediate recovery.” Thor watched Bucky a moment longer then met Steve’s confused, desperate eyes before looking at Bruce.
“I was given warning by the Healers of my realm,… that no mortal man could survive the power and force of this magic,….. but the sample of Sargent Barnes’s blood was able to with stand the tonic.” Thor explained to Bruce. The Doctor had provided Thor with the genetic material, aware of his intention to petition his Father and the high council of Asgaurd on Bucky’s behalf. It was no small matter for the Thunder God to request once again the use their power over the universal energy to interfere with a misguardan life. He had done it to save Jane Foster and was once more asking on behalf of his fellow Avengers. Thor opened a satchel he was caring and withdrew a glowing orange bottle. It looked like fire and smoke swirled inside of its round glass body, leading up to a thin long neck with a silver lid connected by an embellished chain. It was only 6 inches tall and as Thor held it gently into the middle of the gathered men, there was collective awe at its beauty and strangeness.
“It’s not liquid?” Steve asked with a bewildered tone, eyes locked on the fiery glows of the flickering bottle.
“No,…. It is raw life energy,….. what your religions call spirit or soul.” Thor explained and Bruce very carefully took the bottle with intrigue and amazement.
“What from definitely not earth is that!” Stark whistled as he approached, drawn to the mystical beauty of the strange object like the others were.
“This Mr. Stark,… is the essence of life, the fire that burns eternally from the well of Urd under the great tree of life, Yggdrasil who’s branches extend through the 9 realms.” Thor watched with an amused smile as Stark carefully accepted the glowing bottle from Bruce, examining it with a cocked eyebrow.
“Thor says it can heal Bucky.” Steve’s voice held hope as well as uncertainty.
“Hey, Jarvis,….. can you give me anything on this mystical orange smoke?” Stark asked his AI who responded with a human like bewilderment.
No Sir,…… I can not. It has a signature of life,…… all life,…….it,…… it is unquantifiable.
“Hey Fella’s,…… Barnes and I are feeling left out of the show and tell!” Natasha spoke up from the table as she used a napkin to wipe up some more pudding that didn’t quite make it to Bucky’s mouth. He too was watching the gathered Avengers with a knit brow and anxious curiosity.
Thor retrieved the bottle from Stark and walked over toward the table pulling out a chair next to Bucky who’s eyes were fixated on the glowing vile. The other’s stood around the table and Steve sat down next to Natasha, close to Bucky. Thor set the bottle down in the center of the table then placed a steady hand on Bucky’s left shoulder with kind, comforting eyes.
“James Buchanan, Son of Barnes,…….this is a gift from the healers of my realm,….. a magic that has the power to restore your body and mind,……to help you take back control and once more stand at our side as a brave a formable alie.” Thor’s tone turned more serious as his grip slid from Bucky’s shoulder to his metal for arm, clasping it with both hands. Bucky’s wide blue eyes fluttered and he slowly shifted his gaze from the bottle to Thor, blinking rapidly.
“It will only take one sip, and by morning you will be able to stand proud and strong again…… But first, there will be tremendous suffering, pain that will tare through you with power you cannot imagine.” Bucky’s brow creased as he listened to the Asgurdian’s warning. “Once it begins there will be no way to stop it or sooth the agony, you must let the fire consume you completely until it has become a part of you.” Thor sighed as he released Bucky’s arm and sat back, studying the Sargent as did the others. Bucky’s gaze was pensive and he looked away from Thor and back toward the glowing energy.
“How long with it take to run it’s course through his system?” Bruce asked with trepidation and clinical concern.
“I can not be certain,…… But the Fates made it clear that he would suffer greatly from sun set to sun rise and then would need rest, but upon wakening he would be as he was before, the damage to his brain completely healed.” Thor crossed his arms turning back toward Bucky whose attention was completely fixated on the orange bottle, eyes contemplative as he watched the swirling smoke flicker.
“Buck,…… do you understand what Thor is saying?........What this bottle is?” Steve asked gently, uncertain if his friend was able to fully grasp the meaning and possibility. All eyes were on Bucky who sat very still, mesmerized by the bottle as he took deep quivering breaths, both hands tightening into fists. There was a long moment of tense silence until Steve spoke again as Natasha gently stroked the side of the despondent man’s face.
“Bucky?....... Do you understand?” The Captain asked again, with a deep concern in his voice. Without taking his gaze from the bottle the Sargent nodded and swallowed, licking his lips before he spoke.
“It…… will….. fix…. Me.” Bucky stated simply, his voice small and childlike as he continued to watch the orange smoke swirl with in the bottle.
“But it will hurt Bucky,…… you will be in pain,….. and we won’t be able to stop it.” Steve’s voice shook and he felt a hand on his shoulder, aware that Sam was at his side.
Bucky’s blue eyes blinked again and he shifted his gaze toward Steve with a thoughtful look and a swallow before opening his mouth to speak as his hands remained in fists.
“I …….know….. pain……Steve…...It….. goes…….away,.......” Bucky tried to offer a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I……. am…… good…… at ….pain…….but….not ……..good….at…….be-ing……. Use-less.” He let out a deep breath as speaking took tremendous effort and concentration just like everything else did.
“Sargent,….. I know,….we all know how hard this recovery has been for you,…. But you are already making so much progress, and so much faster than other brain trauma patients….. If you continue to work and give your mind a little longer to repair the connections I am certain…..” Bruce was cut off as Bucky shook his head, eyes becoming fierce and challenging as he stared pointedly at the doctor with steel determination.
“NO……… I……..n..need…… to…… b..b..be…… better…..n..n..now!..........I…… can…….. t..t..t.take ….. the…..paaaiiinn! Bucky’s voice stuttered with the emotional force behind his fragmented speech. He looked back down at the bottle and nodded with absolute conviction. “I…..am…..ready!”
Steve let out a deflated sigh and looked toward the others who exchanged knowing glances of concern but compassionate understanding and acceptance. The Captain reached forward and took Bucky’s flesh hand in his own and nodded.
“Okay Buck,……. It’s your call,……You are the one in control.” Steve offered a small smile and Bucky nodded back with a sigh of relief even as his shoulders shook with slight apprehension.