Stuborn Jerk
Ch 7
I got out of bed today, Swear to God I couldnt see my face
I got out of bed today staring at a ghost
Who forgot to float away, didnt have all that much to say
Wouldnt even tell me his own name
Whered my body go
Where oh whered my body go?
Africa or Mexico?
Where or whered my body go?
Whered my body go?
Have you seen my ghost?
Staring at the ground?
Have you seen my ghost?
Sick of those goddamn clouds
Are you some kind of medicine man?
Cut the demons out of my head
You cant kill something thats already dead
Just leave my soul alone
I dont need no surgery
Take those knives away from me
Just wanna die in my own body
A ghost just needs a home
Weighty Ghost
By
Wintersleep
By the end of the second week the Medical Staff was ecstatic about their patients steady and relentless progress, none of them ever working with enhanced genetics. Their optimism was subdued however when in front of the Captain who was almost more desperate for Bucky’s recovery then the Sargent himself. Despite his heartache and grief Steve put on a bright and encouraging smile when he with Bucky who could now sit up, make eye contact for extended periods of time and was more aware of his surroundings. Wanda had confirmed that he had recovered many memories but was still struggling to focus on both the past and the present, often becoming overwhelmed if he pushed himself too hard to understand what was going on currently or if he was intent on organizing his thoughts. The intense flashes of pain were still frequent but instead of whimpered cries Bucky would grit his teeth and growl or moan bringing his hands up to cover his head. His lost, wounded look was replaced by a determined glare and general irritability that Steve tried to combat with constant cheerfulness while Natasha simply cocked an eyebrow at him until he looked away from her as she scolded him for pouting.
Steve ignored Bucky’s death glare as he sat in front of him at a table, the Sargent in a wheel chair. The Captain was talking about a shared memory of theirs, the first Christmas after Steve’s mother had died and he had joined the Barnes Family for their holiday, staying awake with Bucky all night getting drunk on Whiskey and eggnog, huddled by the old musty heater as they talked about wishing they had a real fire place.
Steve picked up the spoon full of oat meal and blew on it before bringing it toward Bucky’s frowning locked jaw. Steve smiled with raised eye brows as he held the spoon right in front of his friend’s lips with an encouraging nod. Bucky snorted an angry breath and then flayed his right arm in a spastic jerk that knocked the spoon full of oatmeal out of Steve’s hands with a clatter, splattering Bucky’s white shirt.
Steve looked down at the spoon and sighed heavily, swallowing as he looked up at Bucky’s scornful, fiery eyes. He shook his head with his own huff before he got up and retrieved the spoon then went and got a wet wash cloth to wipe the mess off his irritable friend. As The Captain leaned over Bucky with the cloth he heard him make a resentful growl, followed by a cry that resembled the word “NO”. His arm jerked again with great effort and Steve was knocked back staggering.
“Damint Buck!........ Stop being a Jerk will ya!........ I am trying here!” Steve shouted in exasperation and frustration, his temper flaring in his exhaustion. He rubbed his eyes as he heard Bucky make the guttural NO sound again, but this time with a shattered crack in his voice.
Steve looked up at Bucky who had his eyes squeezed tight against tears, breathing heavy through his noise both hands shaking and clenched. Instantly Steve felt his unrelenting guilt crash over him and he took a few steps forward then knelt down in front of Bucky’s wheel chair, head down and shoulders slumped before he again looked up at his friend with remorse and spoke with a broken plea.
“I’m sorry Bucky,….. I am so sorry pal!..... This is my fault,…… it’s all my fault that this has happened to you!........ I wasn’t there to watch your back,…… God Bucky I have failed to keep you safe so many times,…… You are in all this pain because I couldn’t…… I wasn’t……. I…..” Steve hung his head with a wet, shuddered sigh, shoulders shaking as he swallowed down a sob, reminding himself he had to be strong. This wasn’t about him, it was about helping Bucky. The Capatin let out another steading breath as he heard a plaintive noise from above him as Bucky’s right hand softly jerked against the top and side of his head. Steve looked up as he raised his hand to help press Bucky’s tensed fingers and half clenched palm to his own face.
Their eyes met, both wet and full of remorse and sadness. Bucky’s lips were in a pout, eyes soft with concern for his kneeling friend. Bucky shook his head slowly in an akward twist, gaze begging Steve not to blame himself. Steve smiled up at Bucky as he held the palm to his face and then turned and gave it a kiss, eyes shining bright with appreciation that even now, in this state, Bucky was still trying to comfort Steve. After a moment longer Bucky lifted his eyebrows and opened his mouth as if to indicate that he would cooperate and was ready to try eating again. Steve huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes as he stood up and gently ruffled Bucky’s short, growing back hair.
“Yea sure,….. now you’re ready to eat!...... Let me get a clean spoon!...... Am I gonna have to cry and beg every time I want you to eat Jackass!” Steve teased playfully as he got another spoon and then took his seat smiling as Bucky offered a stiff shrug and his own small, timid smile before opening his mouth again and excepting a spoon full of oatmeal, trying to eat it without it spilling down his chin. That was a level of coordination he didn’t yet have back and Steve knew to keep a cloth in his other hand, wiping up the excess food that spilled out with a soft smile at the irritated groan Bucky made at his own disability.
“So where was I,…… Oh yea,…… You were mad at me for pawning some of my Ma’s jewelry to buy presents for you and your sister and I told you I wasn’t a charity case and we started fussing because we had been hitting the whiskey and egg nog pretty hard…… So right when I stood up and started putting on my coat all drunk and pissed off, you grab me and shove me into the coach all clumsy,……. about to fall over your self,…….” Steve laughed as he helped feed another spoonful into Bucky’s parted lips as his friend watched him intently, listening to the story of their past.
“And you grab a present from under the tree and throw it at me all pouting like a giant toddler,……” Steve fixed him with a pointed look and Bucky grunted with a slight smile then opened his mouth again for another spoonful.
“Fine Rogers,….. But you ain’t setting one foot out this Damn apartment until you open that gift Punk!” Steve mimicked the way Bucky had sounded, deliberately slurring the words pointing at Bucky with the spoon. He smiled as Bucky’s breath hitched in a wheezing, stuttered laugh, the first he had seen since his friend had been taken and wiped. Steve’s smile grew into a genuine grin before he shook his head and let out his own easy laugh. He spooned another helping and then continued, his voice soft and reverent with his deep fondness,
“So I open the package with a big old dramatic huff while calling you a stupid Jerk,……. And in my hands was a leather sketch portfolio,….. with 12 sheets of professional grade paper for sketching, a charcoal set and pencils.” Steve set down the spoon after wiping Bucky’s mouth, an earnest look of love and sincerity written plainly on his face as he gazed at Bucky with deep, thoughtful eyes.
“I hadn’t been accepted to art school that fall because I couldn’t afford the portfolio or the paper for the application,… They required 12 sketches on that fancy paper and I tried to give them three sketch books full of my art but they wouldn’t take it…… I was so cross with them I told you I didn’t even want to go and you gave me shit for it for months until I finally agreed I would try to apply the next semester……..” Steve let out a small sigh as he shook his head and then picked up another spoonful for Bucky who blinked his large blue eyes at him with a look of deliberate concentration.
“You always pushed me the hardest when you knew I was being stubborn and letting my temper get in the way of what I wanted………..You always believed in me Bucky, when I had no one else to help me out,…… and when I was trying to push you away, hid my shame, or drown in self pity…… you never gave up on me,….. and you pushed me to do better,…. To be better.” Steve offered Bucky the last spoonful and then wiped his mouth with the cloth.
“You are one of the strongest men I have ever known,…… And I will push you and make damn sure you remember that Buck,…….. You are a fighter James Buchanan Barnes,….. and you can fight to get better,….. just stop fighting me,…… because when it comes to helping my friends……. I will never give up……. Got it?” Steve questioned and smiled softly as Bucky nodded stiffly eyes large and full of emotion as a tear escaped down his cheek then another. Steve leaned in and hugged his friend in reassurance, offering a smile to Clint and Natasha who had been hovering in the door way for several minutes listening to Steve’s speech. They exchanged knowing looks before Steve leaned back smiling at Bucky, promising to have his back through thick and thin.