Bucky never considered himself a victim. He also saw himself as the perpetrator, the one who ruined everything nice and pure. He figured that he wasn’t in the least bit wrong, seeing as how many people thought of him as some evil person that deserved to die. Bucky was always full of remorse after every mission he was order to fulfill. It burnt him to his very soul with every life he took.
Steve knew that Bucky had trouble understanding that he wasn’t a villain. He wished that Bucky would understand that so many people loved him, regardless of what his past-self had done. It hurt him knowing that Bucky didn’t feel loved or appreciated.
It was a calm Saturday morning when for the first time, Bucky broke down in front of Steve. It wasn’t like he wanted it to happen, in fact, he had tried so hard to not let his walls come crashing down, but it was to no avail.
“I don’t understand how you can stand to be with someone like me,” Bucky stated as he poured himself a glass of water.
Steve glanced up from the newspaper he was reading and gave Bucky a puzzled look. “What do you mean someone like you? You’re the most amazing person I know.” Bucky chuckled and turned around to face him.
“Now I know you’re lying. I’ve done so many horrible things, Steve. I’m a monster. I don’t deserve you.”
Steve laid the newspaper on the countertop and stood up. “Baby, you know you had no control of what you were doing. Hydra programmed you to do those things,” Steve said.
Bucky shook his head and looked at the floor. “I could have stopped. I felt like I was a backseat driver of my own body. There had to be a way for me to stop it. To stop killing.” He was on the verge of tears and hoped and prayed that they wouldn’t reach beyond his eyes.
Steve walked toward him and lifted up Bucky’s chin with his pointer finger. Bucky let a few tears fall down his cheeks and Steve wiped them away with a frown on his face. “Bucky. It’s not your fault. You’re a victim of Hydra, you couldn’t have done anything. I don’t blame you for anything that you’ve done in your past.”
Bucky quickly wrapped his arms around Steve’s torso and rested his head on his shoulder and began to cry. He let his emotions out right then and there. He broke down all the walls he had built up over the years. It was freeing.
Steve whispered loving words into his ear until his sobs began to cease and the kitchen grew quiet save for their breathing. “I love you so much,” Bucky stated softly.
“I love you too,” Steve replied.