2. The man on the bridge
Steve didn't go near the apartment after that. He wasn't even sure that Bucky still lived there. He probably didn't. Steve received a text message a few days later though.
[08/27/14 02:17am] From: Unknown number -
I'm sorry.
The words imprinted themselves on his mind and made sure to never fade away, burning and heavy, and he had this sudden urge to throw something into a wall. Or smash the wall itself. Don't apologize, Buck, please. You're not the one who has to. He sent a long answer back, with carefully chosen words of reassurance and promises, but Bucky probably never received it in the end. Steve figured he'd have to change phones all the time. He probably didn't want to risk being tracked.
He did his best to forget about it, while never forgetting about it at all. As if that was possible. Sam and him had slowed down their research, Bucky was always on the move anyway. Never stayed in the same place for a very long time.
But a couple of months later, Steve received another anonymous text, from another random number. He knew it was Bucky the very second the screen of his smartphone lit up.
[11/08/14 10:32pm] From: Unknown number -
You're Steve, right? You should probably just stop chasing after me, you know. You're not gonna like what you find. But if you're still willing to try... Perhaps there are some things we can talk about?
[11/08/14 10:45pm] To: Unknown number -
Anytime. Where do you want to meet?
[11/08/14 10:47pm] From: Unknown number -
Same place as last time?
That's how Steve finds himself back in front of that poor-looking wooden door two days later, with nothing but his hesitant words and his sweaty hands, because what if it's still not the right time?
Bucky opens the door more carefully this time. There's no glove on his metal hand anymore. Only a grey sweatshirt that looks like the softest cotton on Earth, with sleeves that seem a bit too long for him. Bucky doesn't stand in front of the door, this time. He takes a step aside and his face is more than partially hidden behind his messy bangs but Steve can still read the smallest nod that allows him to step into the apartment. Bucky doesn't say anything this time, and Steve chooses not to say anything either. Take your time, his eyes try to convey. You can ask any question you want.
It takes some time, but eventually, Bucky leans against a wall as if to seek support and his gaze finally meets Steve's.
« You're the man from the helicarrier. »
It's not a question, not really. So Steve chooses not to answer anything. He only tries to search for Bucky's eyes that still seem a bit unfocused.
« I... I pulled you out of the water. I remember. » His voice is shaking a little but he obviously wants Steve to know that he doesn't mean to hurt him this time. I'm not the Asset anymore, no one has programmed me to harm you again. The metal hand is clenched tight against his leg, flesh hand fiddling with the too-long sleeve. « I saw you at the museum, too. » He pauses. « I saw... I saw... »
A sentence that doesn't want to be ended, apparently. « Yourself? » Steve tries, careful to measure his voice and tone. The silence that follows is almost too much to bear.
« Yeah. » Comes out as a whisper and Steve can't tell if he heard or imagined that, cause Bucky is staring at the floor and his lips are barely moving. « Can you... Talk to me about it? » It takes some time for Steve to figure out what it means, for him to understand that what Bucky is asking is actually can you tell me who I am?, but when he does he allows himself to smile a bit. Just a bit though. There's really not much to smile about in the end.
He takes a few steps in the apartment and sits on a stool behind the small kitchen table. Bucky follows him cautiously and sits in front of him, across the table.
« What do you want to know? »
« How did we meet? » is the answer that pops outs automatically.
Steve smiles again, but then he's not sure he should be smiling or crying here. He's not sure that talking about his best friend is something he can do right now. But Bucky is finally staring at him, wide blue eyes full of questions and fear of what he's about to learn. Bucky's unsure of being able to hear about the man he was before just as much as Steve fears it's gonna be too overwhealming for him to talk about.
« We met in elementary school, I was 8. », he starts. « You showed up and literally kicked some kids' ass cause they were trying to take my lunch money. Sounds a little cliché when you put it that way... But you never left me alone after that. »
« Doesn't sound like it bothered you too much... » Bucky tries in a faint voice.
« It didn't. » And then Steve starts talking about everything and anything that comes through his mind and he wants to cry again but he just can't stop. There's just so much he has to say and it feels like he's never ever talked so much since he got out of the ice three years ago. He wants to say, to scream how proud he is of the man Bucky was in the past, yet doesn't want Bucky to freak out about being compared with his past self. He's just as proud as Bucky today, as Bucky who escaped Hydra, as Bucky who saved him after he fell, as Bucky who's endured so much and is simply so much stronger than he could ever hope to be, serum or not.
He tells Bucky about his sisters and how much he cared for them. His mother who always welcomed Steve as one more of her children. He tells him how he cared about Steve for just as long as he can remember, how he bought him a deliriously expensive box of charcoal pencils for his birthday just saying « It's okay pal, I've been saving money for a while anyway. » even though Steve knew it was a lie and they were completely broke. There's so many memories trapped in his mind and he wished he could just give Bucky all of them.
But Bucky seems kind of lost at some point, and Steve knows it's enough for the day - but God, he has so much more to say. Must be weird, getting to know someone that used to be you but you're not exactly him anymore. Steve can't imagine what that feels like. He thinks he can catch the ghost of the smile in the haziness of Bucky's eyes though, and somehow that's worth everything. One step at a time.
« I know there's not much I can offer but... You can come here anytime. » Bucky says, eyes wandering over Steve's face but not quite meeting his gaze, when Steve's standing on the hallway by the end of the evening.
Steve simple shrugs, kind smile on his lips. « 'm not asking for anything more, pal. » He pauses, sees Bucky hesitating but keeping quiet in the end. « You can call me whenever you need it, y'know? » He adds, pressing a hand to Bucky's shoulder - that tenses at first, but it doesn't last long.
One step at a time, sure. But when Bucky nods with more conviction Steve's seen in him for the past few hours, he knows today's been a big step.
(He's gonna take the steps with him, Steve thinks on the plane on his way home. He's gonna take every single step he can, forward or backwards, with him. And if he can't, well... Screw it, he'll do whatever he has to do so that he can.)