They wipe him. The sergeant screams.
Howard Stark says a name, Sergeant Barnes. The soldier clenches its jaw, and kills him.
A child smiles at him, heartbreakingly innocent. The child reminds the soldier of someone, with blond hair and blue eyes with a glint of mischief in them, someone the soldier cared for. But the soldier doesn't have memories. It doesn't have feelings. The soldier kills the child's mother in front of him.
The soldier kills innocents without flinching. Its handlers praise it. The soldier stares. It is not a person, it doesn't need praise.
A man on a bridge says a name- the same one Howard Stark used. More familiar this time. The soldier falters.
The soldier asks about the man. The man with blond hair and blue eyes, looking so much like the child. The man is bigger though, no mischief in his eyes. Just pain and heartbreak. When the soldier asks, it's handlers wipe its mind again. It hurts.
A man is on the helicarrier. He speaks to the soldier, as if the soldier was a person. The soldier fights. The man still speaks, and the soldier remembers the man on the bridge.
"I'm with you, 'til the end of the line," the man says, and Bucky Barnes breathes for the first time in over seventy years. Oh no, not him. Please.
Steve Rogers falls. Bucky falls, too.
It's two years later and Bucky hears a sound coming from inside his apartment. The creaking of the floorboard is too gentle to by Hydra, but too heavy to be a female. Maybe, he thinks, but that's as far as he lets the thought go.
He opens the door, silently, using his godawful assassin training. The man- Steve- is standing there, flipping through one of Bucky's journals. He's in his uniform, an updated one, which sends a chill of unease through Bucky. Steve turns.
"Do you know me?" Steve asks, voice flat, but tinged with the tiniest amount of hope. Bucky hesitates, staring at the man in front of him. He remembered him smaller, but the museums don't talk about Steve Rogers, only Captain America. Bucky doesn't remember much about Captain America, the one everyone is so keen to talk about.
"You're Steve," Bucky says. "I read about you at the museum." Bucky hears someone over Steve's comm. A warning.
Steve continues looking at him. "I know you're nervous. And you have plenty of reason to be. But you're lying," Steve accuses. And he's right. Partly. Bucky had read about him in the museum, but he'd also recovered a lot of memories on his own. The important ones, anyway.
"I wasn't in Vienna," Bucky says, changing the subject. Steve doesn't flinch. "I don't do that anymore," Bucky mumbles truthfully. He hadn't killed in… a long time. He didn't want any more blood on his hands than strictly necessary. He was tired of the guilt that came with it.
"Well, the people who think you did are coming here now. And they're not planning on taking you alive." Steve's stance is guarded, Bucky notices. He'd never been like that before, not even while on the helicarrier.
"That's smart," Bucky concedes. "Good strategy." Steve's eyes flicker with something unrecognizable. Guilt and anger and hurt all in one.
"This doesn't have to end in a fight, Buck," Steve says, gentle in a way only he could manage. Bucky allows himself to relax, only for a millisecond, before he's moving.
He sighs. "It always ends in a fight." Steve is moving, too. The voice comes over the comm again. Sam Wilson, Bucky thinks dully.
"You pulled me from the river. Why?" Steve asks, tone rough. Bucky thinks it sounds like his handlers. He turns.
"I don't know," he says. I love you, he thinks. I don't know why, I don't know when it started, but I love you. More than anything, and I always have. I always will.
"3 seconds!" Sam Wilson says, before Steve says, "yes, you do." Bucky doesn't have time to dwell on the meaning of those words, because the room is suddenly filled with gunshots, and they're fighting for their lives.
He's in the car with Sam Wilson, who turns out to be an asshole. Which in his defense, Bucky did try to kill him, and Bucky felt awful about it. He assumes Sam was kind of an ass to begin with though, especially if he was friends with Steve. All of Steve's friends were assholes, including Bucky. It seemed to be a necessary quality.
"Can you move your seat up?" Bucky asks, legs cramping in the uncomfortably small car.
"No," Sam deadpans, continuing to stare ahead. Bucky wants to apologize again, but maybe this was friendship. He'd been friends with some guys like this before, and they'd all liked him, despite how their friendship looked to outsiders. He snorts, and moves to the other side. Sam's mouth quirks up. Yep. Friendship.
Steve and Sharon Carter are talking in front of them. It's odd, seeing her. He hadn't been close with Peggy, but there had been an unspoken agreement to keep each other safe. He cares about you, and I won't let anything happen to you. He wasn't sure about Sharon. She seemed nice, but something in his gut told him otherwise. He didn't trust his instincts, though, so why pay attention? They hadn't worked for him so far, and Sharon looked nice enough. Plus, Steve trusted her. She couldn't be that bad.
Then they kissed.
Bucky's stomach lurched and his heart shattered. He was barely able to keep himself upright, resting his arm on one of the seats to keep him steady. They break apart, and when Steve turns to them, Bucky plasters a smirk on his face. This was Steve, and he was going to be happy for him. No matter how bad his chest ached at the sight of them. He'd do anything for Steve Rogers, even if it meant Bucky would never be truly happy.
Steve sends a grin back, and Bucky is at peace once again.
"What's gonna happen to your friends?" Bucky asks softly. They're on a jet, on their way to Siberia. It had been silent up until now, their minds racing a mile a minute. The fight had been… a lot, to say the least.
"Whatever it is… I'll deal with it," Steve responds, and just like that, Bucky feels like a stranger. I'll deal with it. Bucky doesn't know these people. Bucky doesn't know Steve. Steve Rogers doesn't exist anymore. He's barely there anymore. This man is Captain America, he realizes. Bucky chews at his lip.
"I don't know if I'm worth all this to you," Bucky says. Steve looks up slightly, but doesn't respond for a while. Bucky panics slightly. He knows I'm not worth it. What's he going to do to me? He hates the thoughts, but after everything he'd been through, they were valid as hell. He feels sick to his stomach. He might kill me.
"What you did all those years, it wasn't you. You didn't have a choice," Steve replies in a clipped voice. And sure, Steve responded, but he didn't answer Bucky. The sickness Bucky had felt spreads throughout his whole body.
"I know… but I did it."
They both go silent after that.
"I don't blame you," Steve says after half an hour has passed. His voice is still stiff, and so unfamiliar that Bucky feels like he's talking to a stranger. He is talking to a stranger.
"Yeah," Bucky scoffs. "Everyone else seems to. A lot more trouble than I'm worth if you ask me." Steve flips a switch and turns to face Bucky.
"You're my best friend. No one is going to hurt you. I won't let them," Steve snaps, and Bucky almost flinches at the tone. He would've, had he not been so used to the feeling of disappointing someone in charge.
"You can't stop them." Bucky's voice is cold, almost as cold as the ice that coated his hands every time he woke up for a mission. I don't want you to. Not if it means you and your friends dying.
"I can try." Steve's tone is just as cold. Once again, Bucky felt like he was talking to a stranger. A stranger he loved, but still someone he knew nothing about. The sad thing was, Steve didn't know him either. They were both shadows of their former selves.
Steve had once been full of fire. Wild eyes lighting up every time someone needed defending. Small body not quite catching up to his sharp tongue. He'd also been sweet, something usually reserved for Bucky or Sarah. His fire calmed to a flame, even if it was only for a moment.
Bucky had been the water to Steve's fire. The calm there to fix whatever damage Steve had caused. Whether that be finishing a fight, or apologizing on his behalf. He'd remained steady under the stress of Azzano, supporting Steve even when he could barely support himself.
Now they were both ice. Cold and bitter, hardened by the horrors they'd witnessed. People dying at their feet as they watched, unable to do anything. They didn't have room for much love, but Bucky had hoped. He'd hoped that maybe Steve could love him, ice and all. Because Bucky would love Steve just the same. No matter how rough at the edges the blond became. Bucky had been wrong though. The two of them had grown apart, Steve learning how to survive without Bucky. That hurt worse than anything Hydra had done, because Bucky didn't know how to survive without Steve.
"You aren't the same," Bucky admits. "Neither am I, obviously. I guess I just hoped that maybe… I didn't want the world doing this to you." It feels far too personal, but Bucky doesn't care, really. Not when he's staring at the man in front of him.
Steve huffs what Bucky supposes is a laugh. It's bitter, though. "I didn't want the world doing this to you either, Buck. They did, though. And I slept through it." The smile on Steve's face is self-deprecating.
"Well, if it makes you feel better, I slept a lot, too, pal." Steve's laugh is genuine this time. Short, but there. "I hate this. I hate that we couldn't just come home from the war and…" Bucky doesn't know how to finish. And, what? Be together? Yeah, right. We'd have been killed before we said 'I love you'.
"I know," Steve answers. Bucky lets out a sigh. The world was fucked. A ding startles them both. "Almost there. Five minutes. Gear up." Steve was Cap again, and Bucky's heart mourned the loss.
Tony is yelling. Screaming. About Howard. About Maria. Bucky is running and climbing. Trying to anyway, but Iron Man flies, and The Soldier doesn't. The Soldier flees.
"It wasn't him, Tony! Hydra had control of his mind!" Steve defends, but Tony doesn't listen. Of course he doesn't. He's Howard's son.
"Move!" Tony yells.
"It wasn't him!" Steve yells back. Bucky is still climbing, the soldier is still climbing. Trying to get away, panting in ragged breaths. Suddenly he's falling, falling, falling. He land roughly on a platform, and Tony is pinning him down.
"Do you even remember them?" Tony snarls. Bucky's mind flashes back to Howard, smashing his head with his arm, strangling Maria. To the kid, who had looked so much like Steve, watching as his mother bled out. To Steve, desperately trying to jog Bucky's memory with a line they hadn't used in decades. To everyone he'd ever destroyed.
"I remember all of them."
Bucky barely registers what happens next. A series of violent attacks, from Steve, from Tony, from him. It blurs. Until Steve goes down.
Bucky pins Tony against the wall, a feral scream tearing from his throat as he rips the reactor from the suit. A shot goes off, and Bucky flies back. He barely notices his missing arm before he collapses.
He grabs at Tony once more, when Steve is down. But then Steve is fighting, more viciously than Bucky had ever seen anyone fight. He's still Steve, Bucky realizes. Then Steve is raising the shield up, ready to crush into Tony's armor. Bucky almost yells, but Steve seems to catch himself.
The two exchange words that Bucky can't make out. His head hurts. The arm was connected to his brain, there was no telling what was happening to his head. The rooms spins as Steve helps Bucky up, like he did all those years ago in Azzano.
"That shield doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it! My father made that shield!" Tony screams. Bucky's mind is fuzzy, and his memory may be shitty, but he'd never forget what happened.
Steve Rogers drops the shield.
"You sure about this?" Steve asks.
"I can't trust my own mind," Bucky responds, sad smile making its way across his face. You'll see him again, he thinks, but no matter what, it's just more time apart. "So until they figure out how to get this stuff outta my head, I think going back under is the best thing. For everybody."
Steve looks devastated, but understanding at least. "I'll miss you so much, Buck." His voice breaks a little.
"I know," Bucky says, because if he doesn't, he'll start crying.
"I'll get you out, okay? T'Challa will figure something out. We'll keep you safe. No one will hurt you again." Bucky notes that Steve really just sounds like he's trying to convince himself, and that hurts more somehow. Steve hesitates for a moment before speaking again. "Look, there's… stuff we've been avoiding. For a long time." Steve smiles softly.
"Yeah. I know." Bucky smiles, too, because now he knows. Steve wouldn't have done all of this if it wasn't true. He wouldn't have fought this hard to keep Bucky safe if they were just friends. "I love you, asshole."
Steve laughs. "Not exactly how I pictured it, but I'll take it." His smile softens. "I love you, too, Bucky. So, so much. More than anything." And then they're kissing. Softly, sweetly. Fire, just like Steve Rogers. Water, just like Bucky Barnes.
"What about Sharon?" Bucky mumbles against his mouth. Steve laughs.
"So, did the jealousy thing work, or…?"
Bucky shoves him lightly. "You're an ass. She probably likes you."
"Nah, I talked to her. She knows that I love you," Steve shrugs. Bucky rolls his eyes.
"Good. 'Cause it was really weird."
"Mr. Barnes," a doctor says. Bucky stands up, pinned between the table and Steve.
Steve sighs. "I'll get you back, I promise. I love you so much, Buck." Steve presses another kiss to Bucky's lips and Bucky walks toward the chamber.
"I love you, too," Bucky says, getting in. They strap him in, and the door shuts. Bucky sees the sad look on Steve's face as the ice creeps up to meet him. They'd be okay, though. They always had been.
Bucky closes his eyes.